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| Topic: Is it or is it not cheating | |
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On another site.. the topic came up about the caregiver in the relationship looking for " love" outside the marriage if their spouse could no show them physical affection but gave his/her spouse permission to find what they need elsewhere. The debate was interesting. Some said it would depend on what the illness is. If it was cancer and it made them weak for months.. most said they probably wouldn't have an affair. Others said if their spouse was in a coma for a long time.. they probably would.
The words, Well, it isn't a black and white issue.. it has alot of gray areas. Personally, I couldn't do it even if my husband gave me permission. You can color unfaithfulness neon green and it would still be cheating. JMO What do you think? |
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I won't get married again...there for I'll never have to make such decisions
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Even if agreed to, it's a betrayal of the vow's taken.
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Personally, I'm with you. Have seen similar posts and think...does their spouses know? Or the ones that do, is it REALLY alright with them?
I imagine being in the diabled spouses place...having my dearest come to me and say in not so many words: "I'm soo selfish, and gee it's too bad you're in that state but 'I' need to get laid, need to get with someone who isn't ill" It would hurt alot. I'm sure they're saying that unselfishly to go ahead- thinking of their spouse but man wouldn't that hurt terribly on top of all they are going through? So, so sad that there really are people out there like that. Can't even wait til their spouse has passed on. |
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According to polls there are lots of cheaters from both sexes .
So cheating was always a human act and I predict it will stay with us . When someone has a spouse that is sick and can not have sex for long; it becomes a private issue . Some can go without sex or need Viagra to have sex while others are constantly horny like pigs . Blame nature not humans....I guess !.  .
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I started a thread once about such a thing. A friend of mine who's husband was sick..she stayed and took care of him and had sexual encounters with others, not the same men and didn't feel it was like an affair. She insisted it was strictly physical and she would much rather be her with her hubby..
and I know that she would. There were many strong opinions about it..about her. Some just thought of her as a heartless slut..others understood she maybe had physical needs. The thread got quite heated. I know the thought of her being with other men bothers him, they are both friends. I also know that he would rather have her stay and be his caretaker than leave...she wishes she could be physical with him and he were healthy.. It is a sad situation and never having to make that kind of choice I would never judge. I know they do love each other and have come to terms with what their life is now. |
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So.. I wonder if the vows about forsaking all others and til death do us part is for only when it is convenient? I would not judge them..as they will have to live with their decision. I asked what if the shoe was on the other foot.. would you give your spouse such permission. One said yes.. but she wouldn't want to know anything about it.
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Edited by
Quietman_2009
on
Mon 11/30/09 07:04 AM
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I started a thread once about such a thing. A friend of mine who's husband was sick..she stayed and took care of him and had sexual encounters with others, not the same men and didn't feel it was like an affair. She insisted it was strictly physical and she would much rather be her with her hubby.. and I know that she would. There were many strong opinions about it..about her. Some just thought of her as a heartless slut..others understood she maybe had physical needs. The thread got quite heated. I know the thought of her being with other men bothers him, they are both friends. I also know that he would rather have her stay and be his caretaker than leave...she wishes she could be physical with him and he were healthy.. It is a sad situation and never having to make that kind of choice I would never judge. I know they do love each other and have come to terms with what their life is now. I read once, the difference between men and women women are most offended the emotional betrayal in an affair while men are most offended by the physical violation of their territory so that for a woman, if she says there was no emotional attachment and it was only physical then its not as bad. but the man doesn't see it that way if I were incapacitated and in a coma and incapable of giving love and attention to papersmile then maybe if she did it because I couldn't move I would prolly have to get one of my friends to push her off a cliff for me but if the situation were reversed I would never |
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My husband was sick for 7 yrs with Alzheimers and had 2 surgerys that he never totally recovered from.. He also was on a lot of meds.. I was almost 11 yrs younger than him but would never have thought of cheating on him.. after all, isn't that why we take the vows "for better or for worse"... When I started to date again, some guys actually ask me if I cheated... Why is it so hard to believe that someone wouldn't because they believed in their marriage.. I loved my husband and he took very good care of me when he could, then it was my turn and he knew I would take good care of him...
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On another site.. the topic came up about the caregiver in the relationship looking for " love" outside the marriage if their spouse could no show them physical affection but gave his/her spouse permission to find what they need elsewhere. The debate was interesting. Some said it would depend on what the illness is. If it was cancer and it made them weak for months.. most said they probably wouldn't have an affair. Others said if their spouse was in a coma for a long time.. they probably would. The words, Well, it isn't a black and white issue.. it has alot of gray areas. Personally, I couldn't do it even if my husband gave me permission. You can color unfaithfulness neon green and it would still be cheating. JMO What do you think? |
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I have to agree.... ....no matter how you lable it.... colour it... dress it up....cheating is cheating
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Personally, I'm with you. Have seen similar posts and think...does their spouses know? Or the ones that do, is it REALLY alright with them? I imagine being in the diabled spouses place...having my dearest come to me and say in not so many words: "I'm soo selfish, and gee it's too bad you're in that state but 'I' need to get laid, need to get with someone who isn't ill" It would hurt alot. I'm sure they're saying that unselfishly to go ahead- thinking of their spouse but man wouldn't that hurt terribly on top of all they are going through? So, so sad that there really are people out there like that. Can't even wait til their spouse has passed on. I agree whole heartedly. And how honorable is the caregiver to ask permission for this behavior? What is the spouse supposed to say, "Well, sounds good to me. Be careful and be home by 11:00. Can you pick up a pizza before you go?" |
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I wouldn't want to be in that position, regardless on either end...
I'm single, dating and I believe I've heard alot of things that causes lots of doubt about the human race anymore. I'd rather go back to the basics. It was just more simplier, where someone's word was their bond. Where men treated women with respect and tender loving care and acted like gentlemen, where women acted like ladies. Now it's all about sex or what mold you can fit in that they created out of their fantasy... not that they could handle it anyways...lol Wouldn't it be right on if the caregiver left for a night on the town to score and came back finding the disabled person hooking up having a good ole time... Lesson learned, how would the caregiver feel then? What do you think? |
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I wouldn't want to be in that position, regardless on either end... I'm single, dating and I believe I've heard alot of things that causes lots of doubt about the human race anymore. I'd rather go back to the basics. It was just more simplier, where someone's word was their bond. Where men treated women with respect and tender loving care and acted like gentlemen, where women acted like ladies. Now it's all about sex or what mold you can fit in that they created out of their fantasy... not that they could handle it anyways...lol Wouldn't it be right on if the caregiver left for a night on the town to score and came back finding the disabled person hooking up having a good ole time... Lesson learned, how would the caregiver feel then? What do you think? Oh, I'll bet there would be some amendments added to the rule book along with some vases being thrown! Ruby, don't take your love to town! |
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I can only speak for myself, been there.
I was to busy thinking of her to worry about going elsewhere. What others "knowingly" agree to, ie THEIR business. I only have to answer for MY actions. |
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Even if agreed to, it's a betrayal of the vow's taken. yep. and with more than half of marraiges ending in divorce that says much about how seriously we take vows. i find it strange that people are only looking for a "commited relationship". can somebody tell me just what a commitment is when half of all marriages end with the breaking of the commitment? and we're talking not only about promises made to another person before whatever god you might worship, we're talking about a legal commitment. i doubt that more than few here are qualified to judge others as to what is and what is not cheating. but if you're that pure in your past relationships then what are you doing here looking for a new mate. you promised youself to another for life. did you put in a disclaimer that says, "only if we can stand each other during the entire period of that life"? most of us over fifty have promised ourselves to others and broken that promise. often justified to be sure, but it depends on who's doing the justifying. |
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Even if agreed to, it's a betrayal of the vow's taken. yep. and with more than half of marraiges ending in divorce that says much about how seriously we take vows. i find it strange that people are only looking for a "commited relationship". can somebody tell me just what a commitment is when half of all marriages end with the breaking of the commitment? and we're talking not only about promises made to another person before whatever god you might worship, we're talking about a legal commitment. i doubt that more than few here are qualified to judge others as to what is and what is not cheating. but if you're that pure in your past relationships then what are you doing here looking for a new mate. you promised youself to another for life. did you put in a disclaimer that says, "only if we can stand each other during the entire period of that life"? most of us over fifty have promised ourselves to others and broken that promise. often justified to be sure, but it depends on who's doing the justifying. I was "pure" in my last relationship but I don't judge others personally. A question was put out there and I gave my opinion. Also, the reason I am here on Mingle is because in my last relationship of 25 years...he died. |
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Even if agreed to, it's a betrayal of the vow's taken. yep. and with more than half of marraiges ending in divorce that says much about how seriously we take vows. i find it strange that people are only looking for a "commited relationship". can somebody tell me just what a commitment is when half of all marriages end with the breaking of the commitment? and we're talking not only about promises made to another person before whatever god you might worship, we're talking about a legal commitment. i doubt that more than few here are qualified to judge others as to what is and what is not cheating. but if you're that pure in your past relationships then what are you doing here looking for a new mate. you promised youself to another for life. did you put in a disclaimer that says, "only if we can stand each other during the entire period of that life"? most of us over fifty have promised ourselves to others and broken that promise. often justified to be sure, but it depends on who's doing the justifying. I was "pure" in my last relationship but I don't judge others personally. A question was put out there and I gave my opinion. Also, the reason I am here on Mingle is because in my last relationship of 25 years...he died. gave my opinion to the same question. your point? sorry about your loss. |
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Even if agreed to, it's a betrayal of the vow's taken. yep. and with more than half of marraiges ending in divorce that says much about how seriously we take vows. i find it strange that people are only looking for a "commited relationship". can somebody tell me just what a commitment is when half of all marriages end with the breaking of the commitment? and we're talking not only about promises made to another person before whatever god you might worship, we're talking about a legal commitment. i doubt that more than few here are qualified to judge others as to what is and what is not cheating. but if you're that pure in your past relationships then what are you doing here looking for a new mate. you promised youself to another for life. did you put in a disclaimer that says, "only if we can stand each other during the entire period of that life"? most of us over fifty have promised ourselves to others and broken that promise. often justified to be sure, but it depends on who's doing the justifying. I was "pure" in my last relationship but I don't judge others personally. A question was put out there and I gave my opinion. Also, the reason I am here on Mingle is because in my last relationship of 25 years...he died. gave my opinion to the same question. your point? sorry about your loss. In your post it sounded to me like no one really had a right to an opinion on this because the reason we are here on Mingle was because we weren't "pure" in our last relationship. I was letting you know that there are a variety of reasons folks are here and not all of them are due to failure. Besides, even if aliens dropped us out of their spaceship we still have opinions for these threads. Peace and thank you for your condolences. |
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