Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men
A: It changes your blood group

Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg

Q: How many yuppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, yuppies only do it in Jacuzzis

Who's the boss?
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship." With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!" She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Birthday sex
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said: "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to take his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling: "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Dirty tricks
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied: "I'm going to Las Vegas." He asked her why she was going. She told him: "I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free." He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch. His wife said: "And just where do you think you are going?" "I'm going too!" he replied. "Why?" she asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!"