1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying
to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you
girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and
blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th
birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your
chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs.
When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's
avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon
for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and
smooth them. (This may vary from girl to girl).

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then
clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts?
Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and
suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending
they're a doggie toy isn't. (this may vary)

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the
nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio
station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the
exclamation points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with
just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.
There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as
you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some
attention and when she's laying there, it means kiss her all over!

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to
be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's
responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so
gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they
left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you
can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she
will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head.
Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her
panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and
yanking it back and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the
clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's
all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff
stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're
not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay
more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first,
then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual,
relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay;
elbows and knees are not. Lotion and oils always help!

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before
she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if
it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at
his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the
worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool
-she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your
technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
(this varies)

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds. From time to time, this is great, but
sometimes a girl wants to be made love to, not f*cked.

20. CUMMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before
you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to
ensure her pleasure too. It isn't just about you.

21. NOT CUMMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an
hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more
likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall
hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing
Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most
women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a
saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on
gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's
eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to
mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being
dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use
yours; try talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed
with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex,
warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary. Also ask her
where she wants it, not all girls are down with ALWAYS having you inside
her.

26. moving AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the
moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
HUH?

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM porn MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women
seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just
means more laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine.
Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not, grab her
hips and help her out. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite
so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how
men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you
want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is
an excuse.

30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?"
she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have
custody of them.

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing
patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit,
vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and
permanent dye are a no no.

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise.
It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in
bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious.
Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation
feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
They call me tatter salad! HUH?

35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction
on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have
to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a
megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor
calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on
trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
If you don't care if she comes or not, you won't last long with her,
literally.

39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on
her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your
bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

Subject to substitutions, changes, and upgrades. To be communicated
between those parties involved in said acts.

Oh my God!!!!Too
funny!!!!

Yeah that sums me up..........Love you too

thats not about ewe!

Bravo Tuuuuulip!!!!!!!!!!

good stuff... lol

sounds like a pro at work LOL

Very good, Tulip, very infomative.

GOOD ONE (((TULIP))))!!!

Now that's good stuff.And yes Kim I read it.

You hit the nail on the head!

That is really funny...Not much left unsaid...
Bravo !!!

I'm going to print that out, and memorize it so when I finally get that
special night, I will know what to do!

Im glad crash........lol


and allen u dont need this you will be perfect ....


WHEN U TURN 18~~~~yelling sorry

that was pretty good...candlewax is good, though...and so is biting.

BDSM can be lots of fun too!!!

waving to ya prettytulipsista!!!!!