LETTER FROM Ex EMPLOYEE.

To: STAFF
From: EX-EMPLOYEE
Subject: OFFICE PARTY

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general
feeling of unfriendliness. Since several of you have openly called me a
son-of-***** to my face. I know I must have done something wrong at our
office party last Friday. The office manager called me from the
hospital, and, as this is my last day, I’d like to take this opportunity
of apologising to you all. I would prefer speaking to each of you
personally, but you all seem to go deaf and dumb when I try to talk to
you.

Firstly: To my beloved boss, Mr. Simons. I am sorry for all the things I
called you on Friday. I am very much aware that your father is not a
baboon, nor is your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful
woman, and my story of buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was simply a
figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too.
About the water cooler incident, well, you will never know haw badly I
felt about it, and I hope they didn’t hurt your head when they were
trying to get the glass jar off.

To comely Miss Ashley I express my deepest regret: In my own defence, I
must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the
stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight
feet onto the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred
when I landed on top of you, I am sure that you will admit it was one of
the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Dave Jones, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little
prank I played on you. If I had known that you were so jumpy, I would
never have done it. It could have been a lot worse if that fat lady
hadn’t been standing right under the window when you jumped through. She
broke your fall a lot. People have been killed, falling three storeys.

Mr Gray, I regret telling the fireman that it was you who turned in that
false alarm, but of course I had no way of knowing that they would be
such bad sports about it. Those fire hoses sure do have a lot of
pressure don’t they? And the water is so cold!

Bill Crane: You rate a special apology. My laughing, when you forgot to
put the seat down and got stuck in the toilet was bad enough, but my
calling everyone else in to watch, was unforgivable.

Reg Hughes: I know how you must feel about my opening the door to the
cleaning cupboard so suddenly; it must have startled you and Miss Finch
quite badly. When I think of how badly you bumped your chin on the sink
when you bent down to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We will have
to get together some time for dinner, when the dentist finishes your
plate.

Miss Brown: The only excuse I can offer for stealing all of your clothes
and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies rest room is
that I was drunk. Also, I would like you to know that I was very
embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I had hidden them, and you
had to go home in that old sofa cover. Raising your falsies out on the
flagpole was a bit too much, I guess, but as I said I was a little bit
drunk.

To the rest of you, I’m sorry. Setting Mrs Williams lace panties on fire
seemed a funny idea at the time, but it makes me sad to hear that her
husband is filing for a divorce because of what I did. Now that I’ve
apologised to all of you, and I know I will be forgiven, I’ve got a big
surprise for you! Even though I don’t work here anymore, I’m going to do
my best to be there for the office picnic.

Ha, ha, this is great! Thanks for the laugh. :)

been there done that got drunk and lost the t shirt