since its unlikely that this will be read I'l only give you my fav pag of 12, bare in mind that this is still in development!

untitled #23

With a single solid drag he, breaths new life into his withering cigarette. This man, a symbol of modern nobility born of poverty, glairs into the distance, and with a mutter says, "there’s smoke on the horizon", these five words spoken no louder than a butterflies whisper echo like thunder amongst the horde of loyal men that stand frightenly eager at his back. As he turns to face them, the wind almost knowingly blows the hair out of his face, as to have a clear view of the men that have followed him so far, with one deep and powerful breath he says,

"It will not be easy this that I ask of you all."

His words ring out raspy as though choking on the smoke from the cigarette now burning dangerously close to his fingers. Almost dream-like he senses a movement throughout the gathered followers. They lean in to take in his strength and forceful being.

Unaware that even he feels an urgent need from these very men who will risk their lives at his beckoning, he pauses to take a last long hot drag on the cigarette and expertly flicks it away. No one moves. All await whatever command is given.

In the distance comes the sound of thundering hooves tearing up the earth as they bear down upon their destination. He looks at the eyes of his men and screams, "This is our destiny boys, embrace it, its yours, Never again will these tyrants forget our voices, make them feel the same pain that has stricken your children’s belly's" as he turns to face the on coming doom! He can’t help but turn to his memory.......
As their heads begin to break over the hill at the front He makes his orders loud and bold, "Steady"!!! The earth now trembling and turned to dust by the hooves of ten thousand elite riders. "Now its our time, you will never defeat us, even if you kill us all, our passion will live on, who are you to think that you can snuff the dreams of a proud people" he thought to him self as the riders grew nearer. "Show them your pain, show them the same courtesy that they gave you, give them no mercy", now with a single deafening roar he give his orders!

"Do not let a single one of them leave this field, this is where they will lay, unnamed, disgraced, and burning with shame! This is our one shining moment, make it blind them!" with a cheer of acknowledgment his brave warriors scream loud enough to wake the dead from their eternal slumber!

honest opinons please

Are you looking for a critique?

If so, I would take out the word "scream"....it appears twice. Warriors don't scream!...Girls scream! I would suggest you change it to "Yell"... kinda like a Rebel Yell.... that would invoke fear...JMHO

tuche, thank you, good call!

Take the cigarette out of his mouth, give him a horse, and I swear it sounds like Braveheart and his hoard

Take the cigarette out of his mouth, give him a horse, and I swear it sounds like Braveheart and his hoard

well I guess I should post another pag of the story!?

Flushed with the sound of his own sons screams, he stops! Mortified by the thought of taking another father’s son, he drops to his knees, with a long a steady glance, he strafes the battle field, and finds that he has inadvertently became one of the men that he swore to reap! The blood from yet another victim sprays his face!

“what have I done?” his head as if suddenly weak with fever drops, ashamed of the man that he has become, he glairs onto the moist red mud in horror. As his warriors vengefully carryout their orders, the horn of their enemies defeat echos off the hills in rapid succession as to further add insult! A man yells to his comrades "he’s down, the commander is down!…….

With great heaviness and a new resolve slowly growing from within, the commander forces himself to stand. The young enemy still poised with arms hiding his head in dreadful fear awaiting the final blow from this giant of a man that now stands above him.

Slowly, the others notice their leader, unsure of what is happening. All take in the scene with an astonished confusion. The commander has held out his hand to the enemy on the ground. the young soldier is frozen in……….

while proof reading I find that the next 5 pages need serious reconsideration twords the plot, and a lot of editing