I have a 19 year old son who I have raised alone, He is a good kid for the most part and did the whole lose my 19 yo mind thing,,, never really been in serious trouble, he went to JobCorps for 10 months to learn a skilled trade and he did really well at it, but one he got home it seemed as though he thought the jobs were just going to fall into his lap. after a while, he just became comp;acent and was content to sit around and do nothing.. I moved from my apartment to get a 2 bedroom when he said he wanted to come home.
So he was supposed to pay rent, and I helped him fix his car several times, I asked him not to smoke in the house and did all the time, thought by turning the fan on I wouldnt smell it. any way, he finally paid me a little toward his rent then I found out he took my atm card from my wallet the same night and took money from my bank account. Keep in mind I am finishing college and living paycheck to paycheck myself. It was just the last straw, I threw him out, told him that I loved him but no way was I going to let him steal from me, he went to a friends house and became the live in babysitter, well now the kids are in daycare, so he is not even makeing babysitting money and is eating them out of house and home, he called me last night and wants to move home, he says he will abide by all the rules and he is ready to get his head out of his butt and be responsible and respectable. I dont want to see my son on the street, but I am just so frustrated with his lack of ambition, motivation,,,
that is my dilema, should I let him move back? he has to move out of where he is by the end of the week.
should I let him but set a time limit? what do I do?? any thoughts would be helpfull.

Tough one. There are only so many last chances you can give somebody.

You could make it as hard as possible for him to repeat his past actions - Lock stuff away, change your pin numbers etc

And make it clear that if certain rules are broken ONCE, that he will be out, without any debate.

Ultimately it's up to you. He will bring his BS along too though.

Tell him goodbye, then tell him when he decides to grow up he can move back. I went through the same thing and I was kicked out of my mum's place for about three years, changed my lifestyle for the most part...hell, if I can get a job he can even if it is something he doesn't want to do.

Give him a time limit and change the codes to any of your valuables like your credit cards and such .And under no circumstances help him with his cell phone or car with the exception of Gas or insurance to find a job .Do'nt have satellite tv either if you can help it .It worked for my son after years of coddeling by his mother !

It's not hard to get a job... even if it's a low paying one. If he was really 'changed' he'd have gotten a job a long time ago.

I moved out a day after graduation

tell him to register at the community college and as long as he is taking classes he can stay.

but as soon as he drops out or makes an F...

I agree. I have an 18 yr old son. they are still new to the adult thing....but NEVER let them take advantage. put limits on things....time limits, etc. if he wants something etc....he has to earn it on his own. sometimes a little bit of tough love goes a long way.

if this doesn't work...then don't help until he can help himself

Yeah, you have to set some strict ground rules. You can even make out a contract and have him sign it with the rules. Let him know that if he breaks them he's out on his own. Sometimes it takes tough love.

Make him find a job before even considering letting him move back in.. make him show you he means what he says...

First and last month's rent in advance, just like in the real world. And what is his work ph. number, just in case you need to contact him there.

well i read some of the things people have posted and some are just repetitive. it might be too late for this i didnt look at he date. but as everone these days know you are who you hang out with... or atleast people see it this way. i would let him move back in. reason being he needs your guidance. cuz it sure dont seem like he is getting it from anyone else. sure set some rules down with him. dont argue because when people do they quit listening. all they do is hear. help him make goals in his life. show him values in life not just threats. meaning dont just think of it as "work" make him see the benefits of being able to have his own money. i dislike two kinds of people in this world liars and theifs... if you are one then your most likely the other. it sounds like he has alot to learn. i could also recommend rebuilding some kind of relationship with him. i know for example most parents dont care about video games. for example.. but if you show interest in what he is doing then he might show interest in what you have to say or feel. i have been living on my own since i was about 16ish... not by choice. no it wasnt me and no i aint in denial. long story. but i had to learn very quick. lol i am 28 june 10th. and i had to grow up quick and missed out on alot of fun. but i learned early what i had to do to graduate high school on my own. ... i dunno i might sound like a babbling idiot! lol but yeah some people just say oh put your foot down. but to be honest that might not always be the case. feel free to write me back if you want anymore input..
take care and goodluck! keep me posted!
dennis~feel free to write anytime

If you put your foot down and say no job no more free ride you have to be prepared for the fact that you may have no future relationship with your child. Personally I feel it is more valuable to give your child the boot in the can to get started on being and adult rather than crippleing him for the rest of his adult life by bailing him out of his own consequences. Keep in mind how you allow him to treat you is exactly the way he will treat his wife and ultimately his kids.

I've never commented on one of these but this one had me thinking all night. I also have read the comments and what I think hasn't been brought up so. . .I am a mother of two boys - 21 and 16 (non-verbal autistic), I am a teacher for headstart. I have "babied" my boys and will not deny it. My 21 year old still lives at home, flunked out of college and I still cook, clean & pay all the bills. Now, everyones says, "don't do that, your spoiling them." No one has walked in my shoes so no one knows what we as mothers (single) have to go thru. My son was 12 and broke his neck, almost died, at 14 he moved in with his dad because he "thought the grass was greener". Moved back within a year. I've watched several close friends, as mothers, loose their children to accidents and watch them grieve so hard that it breaks my heart. We never know, in this day and age, how long we are going to be around nor our children. So cherish every moment, good or bad. Don't sweat the small stuff or scream over spilled milk. Trust me, I am a Mom.

There is a saying my father taught me. He is the father of two, stepfather to six, a pediatrician of thirty plus years, and son of a surgeon.

The saying is: You must love your children enough to tell them no.

By doing for another, rather than teaching them to help themselves, even your child, you cripple them. Your job as a parent is to raise your child to be an independent and participating, functioning and productive member of society.

Job Corps will take him for another year. During that time, you can come up with a plan. He is saying what you want to hear right now. Actions speak louder than words.

hey, thanks everyone, for all the thoughts and advise,, I really really, appreciate the input, lots of good ideas!