So here I am wondering what is next...and moreso if it will be worth more than what was, I've constantly thought about this of late, I've been told I have potential my problem is people see potential in something I really don't want to be doing in the first place. I miss the days of constantly high with endless money, now I'm constantly sober and make minimum wage. I've asked this before but if we are searching for happiness, why the hell is a legitimate source so terrible? My happiness is not in what I do, it keeps me busy and keeps my mind of things...but then I get off and my mind wanders back to those things.

I've recently been reflecting, and I'm not sure it is helping much at all...I'm actually becoming more depressed than what I was before. The reflection is always the same, I was hit by a car and that destroyed my dream of becoming an Air Force pilot. Sure I can go and try for my commercial pilots license, but that isn't what I wanted to do nor is it what I want to do. I want to fly Air Force jets, not Delta jets.

Then my reflection reverts back to when I used drugs heavily, and at how much happier I was then as opposed to now. This in turn brings a conflict; if in fact I truly am searching for happines and what I currently do does not bring that happiness but what I did, did bring happiness...why the hell am I doing what I'm doing now? Sure it is legit and I'm following the lines of the law, but I'm miserable...I wake up and go outside to smoke a cigarette and look at the sky and watch as the commercial jets fly past...I'm in a rut that I am afraid I will not get out of, and reflecting isn't helping and it seems it just created an even deeper rut than what was there in the first place.

I'm truly at a loss for words here, on one hand I have the legit lifestyle that I currently live for the most part...and then I have the illegitimate lifestyle that I was happier with. Where is my 'American Dream'? Everyone say's you have to create it, I did and here I am...in a country that is currently going under, with a workforce that is shipping over-seas, in a place that my dollar is matched by change in most other countries. Opposed to what I was doing I can't really see the reason to continue pursuing this, matter of fact it is really illogical to continue this pursuit when I am already well aware of what made me happy...what I am doing now, is definitely not making me happy...

So your basic belief on why we're here is "to be happy"?

wow. I read your whole post, and I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. But, I'd say to follow your gut instincts right now. I'm not a professional or anything, but breaking away from whatever routine you have is going to make you feel alive, more so than doing nothing. if what you're doing now does not compete with what you had before, that doesn't really mean you have to go back, although it's an option. I think it's great that you're sober. It means you have willpower and that's very respectable.

Find something to live for, is what my philosophy teacher told me.
I'm in a rut myself and I fall in and out of depression.
And what has helped me, at least, is getting out.
Doing something different, be with new people, try new stuff.

I'd say to just think of what you want to do,
and then go and do it.
no thinking or anything.
I hope this helped at least a lil bit.

Smoke pot. It really doesn't help much but you feel GREAT for like a half hour or so.

On a more serious note...just remember that everything changes fast. Perhaps it doesn't seem so in the moment, but when you look back on your life you realize that even the bad things don't hurt forever. Things will change.

Hey Fear.....

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in your thoughts and reflections.

I'm also very much in a simular situation where life circumstances came and threw a few monkey wrenches in my dreams and plans for what I was hoping out of life, and I just came out of a battle with anxiety attacks, depression, medications, pyscologists and the works.

Now I'm medication free and trying to pick up the pieces of my life and find what the next 'thing' is.

I also have a previous past history with drug abuse and I hear ya whole heartedly about the seemingly 'happier' days than what we're in. Things change and things shift because fate, destiny, God, kharma, dumb luck, murpheys law or whatever you wanna believe is in charge has different plans for us. It's up to us to figure it out for ourselves.
Best of luck with you in your trials of life.
Peace

Many people are doing what they can to survive. Unfortunately, some people are in less fortunate positions and don't even have jobs. Some of my friends have too much pride to work at a minimum wage job and have become so discouraged that they just gave up. Who can blame them really, the mental switch from making 100k and power over employees to making 15k and being told what to do by a kid out of high school is hard to swallow. Furthermore, some of my other friends who have made the switch and are actively seeking are not getting hired. So basically, its a lose/lose....well, the win would be effort ...i suppose....

roco

I just send love



Tammy

Bravo! Well said, very good advice.

Roco

Have you considered seeking counselling or medication to help you through this, nobody ever wants to but it may give you a kick start in the direction that you need to be going on, I know it's hard but you have to really push yourself to do stuff to get out of your slump. I wish you well bro.

Duane.... you are upset about the lemons ilfe has brought you. Sure, they are sour...

But stop it. You are ruminating and playing shoulda woulda coulda.

Do what you want. If the options are not what you want, keep looking. If you want to sell drugs and have money and feel better, go for it. The risks are you end up in prison with no chance of finding that other dream. You need to keep looking, keep exploring, and for fvck's sake, stop being so negative. Negativity is a choice.

Listen to the lady, she said it best, so far.

Listen to the lady, she said it best, so far.

Yes.



I had something to live for, and with my lovely bit of luck I lost that as well. If I do something different at this point I fear it will leave me at even more of a loss than I already have, what I did was fun and for the most part I was happy doing it...but it carries with it many risks, some have already been noted by other replies. I really don't want to go back down that path, I left it behind and behind is where I would like it to stay. Any insight is always helpful, thank you.



I've gone through the psychologists, I am not a direct threat to my own well-being anymore like I once was. I'm in control and that control will not be lost to some off depressing thought, but I will reflect that thought. Honestly I think mine is Murphey's Law, so far that has been roughly the case.



I have been through counseling and medication, the counseling helped and the medication did nothing except dumb me down. I'm currently researching another supplement that I was tuned into by a friend and I will probably end up giving it a shot. I'll live, that much I know, as to what I will accomplish...that I do not know.



I'm not being negative, I'm reflecting...just so happens they go hand in hand with the current point I'm at in my life. Writing about it is helping it, I'm sorry if you don't like it but it is what is helping me more than anything else at this point. I won't go back to selling because of the implications you noted, but I'm using it as a point in my life where I was far more happier yet on the opposite shift of the 'white picket fence, two-car garage, two dogs, one cat, and two and a half kids'.

Framework.... framework.

If you continue to delude yourself that you are not being negative, you will fail to have the ability to look for, or even recognize the positive.

Venting, sure. Reflecting, sure.... but the only way to find out how to fix a problem is to look for a viable solution. Your post only spoke of settling and why you're unhappy.

This is about choice. Get action oriented and go out there. You control your actions and behaviors. Within that lies your ability to view your ilfe in any framework you choose.

If the belief is that all we are here for is to be happy, then the logical solution is to do as many things as you can to BE happy.

Yes, I read that you lost the chance at the one thing that made you happiest, but I don't know of anyone who only has one thing that makes them happy. There should still be lots of smaller things that can help fill in the gap.

Maybe you'll never be as happy as you once were, but given enough smaller ones, maybe you won't care as much about the loss.

I know that's not a major help, but it makes sense in my 'always try to find the rainbow' logic (it works for me).

Give it a try, please.

Wish I could send hugs and kisses here.

Fear,

Are you more down then usual because of your Grandfather's passing?
Maybe you are going through the natural grieving process.

Like I said, negative and reflection fall hand in hand in this current setting. I am in the process of looking for a viable solution, and will probably pursue that at a later time (I don't have the money nor the mobility to do that currently). My life is coming together, and before I started reflecting I was content. Now that I started reflecting I'm seeing that I'm really not happy where I'm at in my life currently. Part of reflecting is understanding the problem and seeking out different views on what you view, that is where I am at. I'm not deluding myself, I know very well that I am being negative, but again that is going with the reflections as they are not all that positive right now.

At this point in time I can't pursue the other dream as it requires both money and mobility neither of which I have at this point, well, I have money just not a whole lot of it. I'm content, not sad, not happy, though this post probably came of as more sad than anything it is really just a reflection that happens to be more negative than anything.



It was my Grandmother that passed, and no I'm not grieving it. She lived a full life and accomplished a lot before she passed, she is at peace wherever she may be now. Again this is a reflection of myself in my own eye's, I'm not sad, nor angry...but as well I am not happy, I'm just content.

Sorry...Grandmother not Grandfather.

Content is a very good place to be.

Well, good luck. Right now you are just defending yourself. I'm not at all trying to attack.