And more often than not I have. Which leads to my assumption that I am not able to sustain a relationship because of who I am, and honestly due to lack of communication that is becoming more and more of a conclusion.

Or, very possibly, you may not really want a relationship and use the faults of others as way to back out?

I'm not faulting anyone but myself. The fault on other people is not many tell me where I went wrong or what I did, but I'm confident I did something...this is the pattern.

Then find a way to break the pattern. Whether it is seeking from within, or finding a way to express yourself better.

That is what I'm in the process of doing. And why I'm currently not seeking someone, I need to find me first, then maybe I can hold a relationship. But this thread isn't about me, it is about a general observation of the flaws in dating off the get-go, the red flags, the pre-concieved notions, the expectations. This thread is about me: http://mingle2.com/topic/show/223623

Fear, I am older and based on past experience, do see "red flags" on dates. Mine are fiscal irresponsibility, drinking in excess, drugs of any kind, unwilling to hold down a job.

I understand the point of your thread. When dating we do bring our history to the table. I think most of us have the expectation that the majority don't carry our "red flags".


Does this help get your thread back on track? I hope so.

It is helpful, but those "red flags" you noted are completly understandable. I don't view those as "red flags" though, I view those as "common knowledge" of sorts, those are things that everyone should look at in a reflective light. None of those attributes bring success. I'm talking about the small "red flags", the one's that possibly through talking to the person can be changed, maybe that person is not aware at how people view what he/she does. Body odor is the only example I can come up with, I don't have this problem personally, but I know people that do that might just be unaware of it because no one tells them...there are millions of people out there that this one thing will end all possibilities of future dates, and millions that won't inform the person of the issue.

I'm talking about small minimal "red flags" like this, the one's you noted like I said should be common knowledge. There is a difference between bringing a rough history that deals with drug addicts and alcoholics and just coming up with silly small stuff as a "red flag".

What I have found, almost inevitably in fact, is that most of the people I have met from dating sites are either completely dishonest or have all the substance of a Kleenex in a mud puddle. Trying to find an actual "dating prospect" (and I use the term loosely) is not entirely unlike trying to use a rhinoceros to change a tire.



Exactly, and that's the main reason I have given up on the idea of meeting anyone on a dating site -- there's no one close enough (in the geographic, philosophical, and intellectual senses, both individually and combined) worth talking to.



I have always found the initial stages of any relationship to be the best -- because I enjoy the whole process of getting to know a new person, their histories and lives and likes and dislikes and hopes and fears and desires and so on. But then, as predictable as Soriano misplaying a deep fly to left, she runs out of anything new or interesting to say after a few months and I'm once again bored into a narcoleptic coma.

I don't think the "failure" is necessarily your fault at all -- failure is hard to avoid when you're given nothing to work with.

Hard to follow up on all those compliments!

It brings to mind one of my favorite movie quotes, from 1954, Alfred Hitchcock's "Rear Window":

When two people love each other, they come together - WHAM - like two taxis on Broadway.

I was in that "dark place" for many years. When it finally hits you, it HITS you -- like a cinder block upside the head.

Fear, I''m not sure what to tell you. You write an excellent post. And this quote from the other one that you referenced "I cannot believe how much I've changed since the days of old,
I know it's temporary but I need to focus straight,
I cannot believe I lost control of my fate,
I need forgiveness from the people I truely care about,
I need support behind my back to help me spit it out I am gonna win,
I can't afford to blow this one..." actually reminds me of me. Especially the first three. If it helps any I can tell you something I put in my profile. "I learned more about myself while standing in the ruins of the aftermath of my life". If this is a time of reflection for you, use it. Often, this sort of thing turns us around again.

It seems at times some go in with a list of what they want from another and if they have one thing on the don't list they write them off.

Actually I think that at times to many go in expecting way to much as if things should fall into place perfectly when you meet someone.

Myself I go in with and open mind sure there are things that I prefer the other person is like. But the one main thing is I just hope they have a sense of humor and can hold a conversation.

To me as far as red flags those normally hit before you even meet them if you have indeed met them online. Therefore you don't even go the step of actually meeting them.

Do I base my thoughts all on the first meet I try not to and will even try the second meet to see maybe if I was wrong the first time.

But to me the main thing I look for is not the big flash or spark but the feeling of being comfortable around the person you have meet and they are being honest with you. And when you leave you have that feeling that they would be someone you would like to get to know.

That is all nice and dandy, but I must conclude that when you buy into the person's honesty, one must find a way to either continue believing in the person who is telling you the truth, or take a precaution on seeing if this will in fact later be believable.

Meeting new chicks - I always guard my heart and keep a skeptical foresight on the the possibilities that maybe she is lying.

The way I see it you should trust others till they break that trust. Once it is broken its hard to regain it again. Everyone should be given the benefit of the doubt.

As as far as my heart I'm not a needy person so when I give my heart it is within time and after getting to know the person.

And sure I tend to listen what they say and pay attention if they change their stories along the way. It is not that I don't trust them just that common sense tells one not to believe everything everyone says.

Again, I think you have failed in understanding on how to be skeptical. To be a skeptical oriented person, one must doubt in the sake of doubting; for that when the moment of truth arrives, then one must go on giving the person the benefit of the doubt. To me, having this disposition is the necessary way to keep your heart at distance before you actualize the feeling of complete submission and surrender to the faith of that person who you now later believe is being honest to you.

We all tend to do things the way it works best for each of us. So far the way I do it has worked best for me. I don't trust others to the point I think they will always tell the truth. And don't throw in my heart before I know the person much better. I've been single too many years and have learned when it sounds too good most likely it is.

You are right about that experience is the key to understanding the nature of "trust." Trials and errors I suppose.

I learned my lesson when I was 16. I thought she was the world for me, and that absolute trust in her in fact later turn out to be the most unpleasant feeling I've had ever experienced. So emotional trauma can make some people (not all) to go on seeking new ways of not repeating the same mistake twice. Of course that never work all the time because new ways of seeking out a new partner can in fact be another set of future failures on having your trust being broken again.

That is why I feel that dating is something analogous to the game of chess. That is one must constantly keep precise attention of the other gamer's moves all across the board without distracting yourself by what I call infatuation.

I do understand your point of view as well. But I can say with honesty that I have never regretted anytime that I have gave my heart away. I can go into the future with no regrets from the past.

I have an idea of things that shouldn't be red flags; excessive drinking, excessive drug use, abuse history, physically/verbally abusive, violent in any way. These should be common indicators of bad, not considered red flags.

I see red flags, have seen red flags in every person I've met online...I look past them because there is no reason for me to think they are constant, and so I figure I will go out a few more times and see if I enjoy it. But, I am not other people, who much like you said end the date upon first view of one of these utterly ridiculous "red flags". Of course we should have things we want in a partner, but we shouldn't think because those things don't exist at that point in time they can't exist later on. Again, just because I don't jump through fire for you now does not mean I won't later, some things are earned not given.

I have seen relationships go on aside from indicators (the common indicators I noted), and they always end bad...I have seen people get into a relationship with someone that set-off one of these foolish red flags and keep with it only to find they are the most happy together. Then I see people who are miserable because they have far too many flags and no one can get into a relationship with them because of that.

If we had more people that thought like you, we would have less single people in the world...unfortunately I think you are in the minority, as am I as well.