I know this thread will most likely eventually get moved, but I'd like to at least get some responses on it here before it does the big swan-dive into oblivion to the Island Of Misfit Threads, never to be seen or heard from again.

Forgive me, as this may get a bit long-winded. I'll try to keep it to the Reader's Digest version.

I normally would not post a thread such as this, one that concerns personal business. Not my thing, not my style. It isn't that I don't value your opinions, it's simply more of a matter of it ain't none o' y'all's business (that's not intended to be rude, just a straight, honest truth). However, I find I am questioning myself on something.

I have a 15-year-old daughter. Typical, ordinary, run-of-the-mill, 21st century 15-year-old "little sh!t". Actually, "little" is somewhat of a misnomer -- I'm 6'0" tall, and she's already 5'11", but other than that, she's just a normal kid....mouthy, hangs out with the wrong crowd, manipulative, slacks off in school, etc. I know, we were all that way once, but today's kids are FAR removed from my own generation. I grew up in the generation of respecting your parents, and what Dad said, went. You accepted it, and dealt with it. Rare, indeed, were the times that The Gospel According To Jack was ever superceded, even by The Gospel According To Kate, if you catch my drift. Firm, but fair. I know we all went through the phase of thinking our parents were morons, but now that I'm a grown man myself, and my father is in his mid-70's, I find I'm kicking myself for not listening to him more often than I should have (or COULD have) when I was younger, for he is, indeed, a wealth of information.

Anyway, to get the scope of what I'm driving at here, you need to know a bit of the backstory. As I said, my daughter has the usual, typical teenage mentality. She likes to lie and tell her mother she was one place, when she was actually in another (but her mom always finds out about it -- moms are good at that kind of thing), she's had her cell phone taken away more than once for using it (texting) during school, her most recent report card just came in the mail, and it wasn't pretty in the least. Her mom got to the point where she finally blew, and took the kid's phone away from her for good (she was so pissed!).

Now....as most of you already know, I refuse to let anyone manipulate me....except this kid. Somehow, she has an uncanny ability to snow me, and she does so at any given opportunity (maybe this is where so many women learn to manipulate men -- they learn it early in life by being able to manipulate their daddys! Damn kid! ). I will be the first to admit, I am far more liberal with her than her mother is, and I let her get away with a lot more than I probably should. This is not to say that her mother is a b!tch by ANY stretch -- she's a very GOOD mother. In fact, if things had worked out differently all those years ago, there may have been more than just the one kid running around out there (I shudder to think of it! ). Anyway, here's where the problem I'm having comes into play.

My daughter has her prom coming up this weekend. As per usual, she waits until the last minute to ask me for assistance, leaving me to scramble to make whatever she needs to happen, happen. Yesterday, she had a friend of hers TEXT me to ask me if I would buy her prom ticket for her (since she obviously doesn't have her own phone now). I didn't respond. Instead, I caught myself thinking about it. Despite the fact that she's pretty well in the doghouse right now, I'm not one to take away her prom, and I know her mother isn't either. I'm not THAT much of an asshole. I completely understand that prom is a pretty big deal in a young girl's life. Hell, it's a pretty big deal in a young MAN'S life, too, or at least it SHOULD be. You only get a few years of high school, and these are precious memories. I never got to go to my own prom, nor was I ever asked to go to Junior Girls (it goes by many names, depending on your school, but the older folks may know it as a Peppermint Dance, where the girl asks the boy to go. I've always been such a loser, I never even got asked for THAT!), so I was kinda robbed of that. No great shakes, as I don't dance anyway, but it still would've been nice to have the experience and memory.

I know prom is pricey, but the money isn't the issue. Money, I got. The issue I'm having is, with something this important, and with this much money attached to it, I thought it was rather "cold" and impersonal of her to text me to ask me. The way I see it, something like this should be on a more personal level, warranting an actual phone call at the very least, or asking me to my face. So, I'm wondering, am I missing something obvious, or am I just being oblivious because of the fact that she's my own kid? Am I unnecessarily making a mountain out of a molehill, or am I just not seeing the forest because of all the trees? Do I give in, or is she just playing me again?

Anyone is welcome to post their thoughts, whether they're a parent or not. At the very least, I'm relatively sure that we were all somebody's kid at one time.

I'm cornfuzzled.

It's been a long time since I was 16, but......

Maybe she was afraid that if she called, you'd say no, and she'd have to hear you say no. Maybe the text was her way of feeling out the situation, so to speak?

So I get the drift she lives with her mom and you live elsewhere, if that is the case then I think the phone texting thing is pretty normal, given the circumstances. She is probably uncomfortable confronting you about it. If it would make you feel any better, just text back, "Honey, I would be glad to help you out, but you need to come ask me in person."

Ok, I don't have kids of my own, but I do have neices and nephews, and I work with 3 highschool kids who went to prom this year. My question is, have you and your ex talked with each other to try to coordinate the whole prom thing? Do the two of you get along well enough to talk about what's up with your daughter? That may be the best place to start. Good luck.

And thanks for being willing to hear anyone's advice, regardless of parental status. Too many parents totally blow off input from non-parents.

K,

She should have asked you in person or mentioned it on the phone. Maybe she was afraid that because she is in trouble you might have said no. I'd call her and tell her how you feel. Life really is about communication. Even at 15.

On a side note, people (to include the male of species) learn how to manipulate for many reasons.

This probably isn't much help but if you speak to her, you will feel like you have had your say and she might make a different choice next time.

C

I'm a sucker for my daughter too.

Yes, it was impersonal. But I'm guessing you'll do exactly what I would do..... not want to spoil her prom, thinking that it's a once (or twice) in a lifetime thing.

What I'm curious about is the price of a prom ticket vs everything else... like the dress. Who paid for that? If she paid for her own dress or some of the other expenses I'd feel better about paying for the ticket. It would also depend on the state of her finances. Does she have her own money to pay for it?

She is playing you. And she will continue to do it to a point. This just isn't where I'd draw the line in the sand.

i think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. just my opinion. there could have been a variety of reasons why she sent a text instead of call. perhaps she didn't want to disturb you, in case you were doing something important. with a text you can read, think about it and get back to her at your own convenience.

i'm 20 and i've always tended to not confront my mother on things face-to-face that matter to me, because its so easy, especially if she's in a bad mood at the time, to just say "no" to get me to bug off.

Yes, I love to text myself, I pay for my teenage son's cell phone and always have, he lives with his dad, and it is the only way we stay really connected. He texts me quite often, believe it or not, and we laugh over texts and discuss stuff.

I'm not sure if I caught this correctly, but are you and your daughter's mom still together? I did notice that you did not say anything nice about her, have you complimented her or said you're proud of her (even for something trivial)? She probably has a very minimal amount of self esteem which is why she is unable to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation about her behavior and how it can affect her privileges.

I know... being a teenager only 3 years ago... That if why I shouldn't/can't do something was clearly explained instead of a big fat "no", I'd be more likely to listen. My mom gave me the benefit of the doubt and allowed me to make my own decisions, which I'll admit weren't always the right ones, but I turned out an independent and intelligent.

Try telling her the things you like about her despite you thinking she's trying to manipulate you, she's not. My mom, even though she openly gave me no boundaries, sometimes would accuse me of "walking all over her". What your daughter really needs is self esteem and confidence in who she is while she's figuring out who she is.

Good luck, hope I helped.

Well, like I said, I have the money. Money isn't the issue. It's not even that she asked me to pay for her ticket, it's more of the WAY she asked (or, to be more precise, had her friend ask me). I don't mind footing the bill, I just thought it was kinda cold the way she went about doing it.

As far as i know, she already has a dress. Yes, her mother and I are on very good terms with each other. For all I know her mom probably already found out about the fact that the kid had somebody text me to ask me! I told ya, she's really good at that kind of thing.

On the contrary. Her mother and I have been divorced for 13 years. I always bend over backwards to the best of my ability for my daughter. If there's any possible way I can make something happen for her, I'll do my damndest to do it -- which is probably why she knows she can play me. That's my own fault, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I encourage her every chance I get, but it gets tough when she constantly keeps f*cking up lately. I'd like to think of myself as a good dad, but even I have my limitations.

In my opinion in our eyes it was cold. In a teenagers eyes text is the ONLY WAY to do things. I have seen teens text each other instead of talking in the same room. It seems to be how they are comfortable in todays society. So in my opinion she isn't manipulating you she is just doing the asking the way that is normal for teens.

Yea, I was going to say that having two households = two sets of rules. From personal experience... My sisters go back and forth between two sets of expectations.

I appreciate all the replies, thank you kindly!

Like I said, I'm a pretty private person, and I wouldn't normally air my laundry in public. I just needed a few other viewpoints from outside sources.

I've noticed you in here Mr. Music and I've never seen you ask anything personal so I am sure this is soemthing that really got to you. I absolutely think she should've asked you in person or at least called you. I too am a father, although my kids are still young. 7 and 5. But I am trying to teach them at a young age that in order for them to gain respect, they first must show respect. I'm sure your daughter didn't mean anything negative with texting you. As everyone knows by now, it is probably the main source of communicating with teens. But you should make it known to her that you would appreciate that she doesn't treat you like one of her friends and you deserve an actual phone call....at least.

On a side note, I'm glad my daughter is only 5. But I guess time goes by quick and this is a glimpse of what I have to look "forward" to.

I raised 5 boys and a girl. It's good to be fair but you can't really be a friend rather than a parent. Believe it or not, I was raised right by my mom & dad. They were kinda liberal but not at all when it came to raising us kids. We did what they said and when we didn't, we paid a real price. Thats the way I believe it should be. I raised the boys the same. If they screwed up, I took something from them if they hated me for it or not.

If cell phones would have been aroud for my boys, I would have the GPS tracker thing on it. And trust them until they tella lie. I believe the key is to trust them until you know that you cant and be firm. They are going to tell you that they "hate" you, how bad you are, what all the other kids are getting away with, etc. But according to your own rule of Jack & Kate, I think you know that when they grow up (as opposed to NOT getting to) they'll see what good you did for them. And thats what matters. That they TURN out good, not that they agree with you.

And they ARE ging to always love you for it.

Yes she is playing you. She always has, and she always will as long as you keep taking the bait. She has shown little if any responsibility for herself, her actions, or her future. If she had she would have planned for something as important as the prom dance a long time ago and would have already been saving the money for the tickets, instead of waiting untill the last minute and then asking dear old dependable soft touch dad, through a text message from a friend no less. She was not only rude, but shows a general disregard for you or your feelings. What would you do if a girlfriend pulled something like this on you?

I really feel for you guy -- it's hard in these times to be a parent. You have always struck me as being straightforward and honest; I didn't realize you had a daughter. Having this feeling about you as a person, I see no reason why you can't simply say to her how this approach hurt you. I know the texting thing is all around us, but kids need to understand what respect is too.

I too am a daddy's girl and I got away with alot. Being Italian some things weren't tolerated. Now I don't have kids, but my brother does and his daughter is queen of disrespect and minipulation (which I might add she gets from her mom). My poor brother is snowed 9 out of 10 times and it pisses me off; but I can't say a word.

Mr. Music talk to her and let her know how you feel. Good Luck.

I say that she should ask you face to face and not have a friend text you. Apparently she is going behind her mothers back.( no phone) yet she has access to her friends. That"s why I say face to face. you need to be just as strong as your ex. Especially when it comes to teens. Been there done that. and trust me if I could of I would of run my ex over for her lack of proper guidance. you both need to be on the same page here. JMO

I strongly agree with this (thanks snuggly). Their lives are text driven.