Ladies, if you find you are constantly "fixing" your man or your man's life, being the "rock" because his life is chaos, defending him because you know better than anyone else what he has been through, etc.....

You are codependent, even if he is not an addict.

This can apply to your children, your friends and your family.

Healthy loving means to understand that everyone has a life to live even when it is not going as you feel it should. Even when you can see a train wreck coming, even when they seem unable to do it themselves. Falling and getting up, dusting ourselves off and learning the lesson is one of lifes greatest teachers and you will prevent them from learnign and growing if you stop the fall.

This is personal for me. I am letting someone I care deeply for fall because I have realized my unhealthy helping.

It is one of the hardest things to do.

Thought I would share in case anyone else is going through the same.

I agree. You have to love someone enough to tell them no, because the only way to help someone is allowing them to help themselves.

I hope things get better.

Be strong, good luck

I agree... sometimes you need to let the people you care for the most, fall....
Hopefully they will learn from this and become a stronger person because of it. They will likely scorn you during the fall, when all is said and done it should have helped.

I once fell into the deepest darkest place a person could fall, my wife at the time could not take anymore and let me drop. She and I are very good friends now; I feel, as do my few close friends and family, that I am a better man, friend and Father because of it.

Thanks

Thanks. Funny thing about it is that I thought this behavior only applied to romantic relationships. I have found it can be universal if you have these tendencies.

I'm going through the same thing right now and your post really touched me. For three years I made excuses for my man and his behavior like irresponsibility, immaturity, and other personal issues. Because he changed for the worse after I met him, I felt like I had a hand in making him into who he was so I betted on the fact that I could change him back into the caring, goal having, dream guy I originally dated.

Two years of pain later and I still was holding onto it/him (the idea of who he was) until I decided I'm going to try dating again to see if I deserved something/someone better. I know it sounds horrible to say that he wasn't/isn't good enough for me but honestly he has a lot of work to do on himself and I can't force it or find the right words to make him realize it.

Now that I've ended my co-dependency I have found a man who has his life put together already and just needs someone to share it with. My ex unfortunately still has feelings for me but thankfully my new boyfriend is understanding. In the beginning of dating, I kind of still had the thoughts of him getting a kick in the pants when I told him I've moved on (i literally moved 3 hours away also) but it hasn't. I want him to change for himself.

Good luck and I hope it works out for the both of you.

Most definitely, we can't fix others, we can only help them on their journey, ultimately any fixing has to be done by himself/herself.

I don't need fixing...

nor does anyone else I know.



What is it about people...we meet, we like, we date, we love...we live together...and then we spend the rest of our time with that person 'stripping' away the bits we don't like about them... or they with us...
changing each other, into 'clones' of ourselves.

To not like something about someone you are partnered with, ie beliefs, dress sense, hobbies, interests...and to want those aspects of them changed....you are admitting you want to CONTROL them.


Relationships are not about control, they are about growth, learning, embracing the differences, expanding one's own narrow horizons, through another...

This was a good post.
I had this in my marriage, then traced it all the way back to my toxic parents. So, it's all I had ever known.
Thanks for sharing. There have been a few postings about 'bending over backwards' for the other etc.
This would apply to those.

You are right of course.

I found I do it my romantic relationships and have worked on that but recently, actually in the past few years my best friend has come to me "helpless" with her own life and the choices she keeps making.

I discovered you can help unhealthily in all realms of relatioships. All or most of her problems stem from her codependency and in my trying to help her with that, I noticed my codependency coming out. I suggested counseling to her but she refuses.

It has drained our relationship. Our dynamics are now all screwed up. I am the fixer and she is the fixee and we are both resenting it.

25 years of friendship is on the line and I am feeling really bad about it. How did it get here?

It's necessary for people to see/feel the consequences of their actions. How else can they learn? That's how we grow as people.

All that we can do is offer our opinions and they can take it or not. We can't control people.

great insight and wisdom indeed, and make men rather than boys, which is hard to see even for a man of other men, and break the heart indeed, but the bright future such things create bring true strength and fortitude.

there is no knowing of a man of himself, until he hear the words of a women as totally true, and but wanting a women so bad for self reason, blind the eye to her and such things, and make a man hear words of truth from her as but of distain and pain for himself, and why this must be passed thru by a man, so true knowing of a women can be, and can complete the half wisdom a man does hold, but need from her the other half, this ONLY EVER coming from not wanting a women for self, but only for her if she so choose, all things for her and of her wish, unto all things for all happiness and freedom and peace and joy for a man, only when all things are given to a women with no want in return???

women were always meant to lead all mankind to all love and peace and true equality.

women hold the key to the greatest revelations of the future, which no man can find except thru the insight of a women as true.

women that trust self in each detail, can never be tricked by a man into believing in a false love reality, even being controlled by the all the man's self energy, that emit from all things human.

great post...

peace