Hello and good day to all. I would like to take the time to ask a question about "spending time" with your children.
As for me I am a divorced father with two children that I (thru court) see every other weekend (which is hard) for the last three years.
Now with that lil info; my question is for those that have full time parenting rights. and also for those of us who don't.
O.K, my sons want to spend more time with me and that means on the "off" weekends which I am more than willing to do. Now the problem is that "mom" does not want them to come here since she claims she wants to spend time with them as well.but on those weekends she has them, she doesn't do anything with them. She will take them to places and leave them alone for hours; or when she is at her "boyfriends" home; they (my sons) do not see mom until she is ready to go home. Dont get me wrong, every once in a blue moon she will play a game that only last a half hour with them; when they are with me I take the time to talk with them and play video games and or watch them. I know that you can say to me "since you only have them on certain weekends" that I do try to do as much with them, but you would be wrong. When I was married I spent a lot of time doing stuff with my sons just as I do now.
So my question is... What do you consider spending time with your chlidren? knowing that they are somewhere around you, or taking time to be in the child life and doing things with them?
I ask this since I want to understand the logic behind not allowing children to spend more time with someone who wants to take the time to do things with the children?

I don't think it's the child's welfare she is thinking of when she refuses. There is no logic.

That's sad but are there 2 solutions : Marry her AGAIN !
or Take her to court .

I try to spend quality time with my girls and they are older. However, they have their own lives and kind of do their own things now because they both have their own cars and can come and go as they please. They love it when I fix dinner and clean up the house. They say it feels like home. Which is strange because my house is always clean. We do eat out alot but that is because I work two jobs around 14 hours a day. I am usually tired and try to sleep an hour before going to my nighttime job. My 16 years old will crawl in bed with me and take a nap just to be near me. In the summer when school is out and I only work one job we do everything together. We swim a lot, shop, go out to eat, bonfire, hang out with family and friends, bowling, walking, whatever we feel like doing.

I try to spend as much quality time with my son as I can. He lives with me one week, with his dad the next. We watch movies, talk, try to do stuff, sometimes we just run errands together or just do our own thing. He's 14 so spending time with Mom is last on his list of priorities but I try to spend at least a couple of hours of just him and me time on a weekly basis. Sometimes, things don't happen the way I'd wish, the whole family has other priorities as well that sometimes have to take precedence, despite our best efforts.

If you feel your ex is truly neglectful, you can petition the court for more time or for custody. Or, maybe you could compromise, instead of every weekend, keep the every other weekend in place but maybe do something during the week with them, coach their sport team, something like that? That way, it doesn't take away but adds-to.

If you aren't happy with parenting time arrangements or think that your ex is not spending appropriate time with the children. Document it and send it into the court to be placed in the file.

Spending time with my son....

Playing catch, frisbee, or his little nerf football in the yard. We also got Operation for Christmas and we love that! We cook together... he comes to the gym with me too and plays his DS out in the lobby while I exercise, then we go swimming together afterwards. We read at least a page of his I Spy or Search books (similiar to I Spy) every night before bed. I sit with him while he does his homework... we rent movies (Igor this weekend), we go for walks, we go to the park, out to eat...we go to baseball, cub scouts, school events....

But I will also let him go outside and play on his own, watch cartoons, whatever. He likes to play in the sink with bath toys when it's not bathtime, and sometimes I have to work from home and he plays his DS or watches TV. I do the best I can.

He is with me weeknights and two weekend nights a month.

His dad doesn't even call, and half the time reduces his weekend time. He also doesn't give me a dime, for anything.

Thank you to all ...
I for one will NOT re-marry her... for reasons not to be said.(I had to edit), I hope you are joking..
My sons have informed the GC at school and child services about what is going on, but nothing is being done. (there are reasons for child services to be involved)
And going to court just seems to makes the judge turn his ear's away from the matters. Which makes it hard on me since my sons are not of age to have the right to say with who they prefer to live with.(1 more year for my oldest son)
The problem with spending time with my sons durring the week is that I work second shift.(she has also told them that I could see them durring the week) If I could go to first with out the difference in pay, and the loss of my position that could be a way of taking care of that.(state of the economy has factors in this as well)

The short answer is yes to both...

The long answer is as follows:
For the last 20 years of my life I have been in and around situations that you are dealing with now;
I have been the Step Dad, Step Father, Guy with Mom and "Daddy!!!"; I have seen a father who tries to spend more time with their children, but the mother was having none of it beyond the appointed time.
I have seen a mother who allows the father to pick up the children at a moments notice.
I have had my children live with me for six months at a time.
I have been the Father asking the same question.

One thing you should try to do is look at the situation from the Mother's perspective. She is there, in her mind she did not leave, YOU did; Regardless of how this transpired. How easy is it for you to be the "fun" parent?
I mean, it is easy enough, mentally and physically to see the children once a week and dote on them, laugh and giggle, chill out and play games, go camping or to Six Flags.
She is there EVERY day, after school, after work, during dinner, during homework, report card day, sick day, bed time, bath time and any other time with the children when they are having good times or bad.
A Mother's influence, good or bad, in the end going to shape a lot of how the children behave and react to what most of us consider to be "mundane" things in life.



Understanding is part of my first answer. You, as a father, must strive to do all you can to teach your children right from wrong. The right thing to do here would be to accept the will of the Mother, above all else she deserves as much respect as she can get; Once she sees that you understand where she coming from, things WILL change.
Fighting only makes YOU out to be the jerk, the children, no matter how you try, will see this.
Who in the situation will have the largest influence in the end over the children? The Mother, because they will see her hurting and angry before they see you. Right or Wrong that is what they will see, and that is wrong.

I have alot more to say but I do not have enough time right now except:


There are two beings in the universe that are logical and they are both fictional: Spock and Data.

Taking from AA:

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
courage to change the things we can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

This is so right on I can't even stand it....

BRAVO!!!!

I told my ex one night, listen... you pick on me for all that you think I DON'T DO..... when are you ever going to take a look at what I DO EVERY DAY? (This was after him criticizing me for not cutting our son's fingernails as short or as often as he'd like. Dude, I care about homework and bathing, he can have Snoop Dogg nails for all I care!!!)

The point is, there are two sides to every story.
Don't just look at yours.

The other thing I'd like to add is that residential parent's don't usually have much money left over for fun stuff, after doctors and daycare and grocery bills, sporting equipment/fees, lunch money, and stuff is paid for. I'm lucky to swing a matinee...

Well, this just answered it all.

No point in posting more, at least to me.

And I will add your posts are WICKED defensive.

"The short answer is yes to both..."

Which I can agree with you on that.

"One thing you should try to do is look at the situation from the Mother's perspective. She is there, in her mind she did not leave, YOU did; Regardless of how this transpired. How easy is it for you to be the "fun" parent? "

Your right on maybe the first sentence. But that is the problem in todays society, "push the blame towards others" and pretend we we right from the start.


"She is there EVERY day, after school, after work, during dinner, during homework, report card day, sick day, bed time, bath time and any other time with the children when they are having good times or bad."

This one I can say you are wrong on, since the reason being is that "mom" is not there; She shows up an hour or so before bed time. that is why they want to spend more time here. And this is why I posted this.

"Understanding is part of my first answer. You, as a father, must strive to do all you can to teach your children right from wrong. The right thing to do here would be to accept the will of the Mother, above all else she deserves as much respect as she can get; Once she sees that you understand where she coming from, things WILL change.
Fighting only makes YOU out to be the jerk, the children, no matter how you try, will see this."

I dont personally recall saying that I confront her in front of our children, nor do I recall saying that we fight in front of them or even fight at all. I try to work with her and I don't bad mouth her as well.(not to say she wouldn't deserve it)

"Who in the situation will have the largest influence in the end over the children? The Mother, because they will see her hurting and angry before they see you. Right or Wrong that is what they will see, and that is wrong."

Not always is this the situation; not all children have been raised with blinders on. Durring my marriage, our children were taught to look at both sides, giving them the option choice. finding out right from wrong and how decisions can effect the outcome.

And the "non residential" parent has all this make believe money? I am not sure of the agreement or arrangements you made in your divorce, But We split the bills,except for her rent,utilities ect. My insurance is primary on our sons. And to top that off; Yes I pay child support on top of that.

"The point is, there are two sides to every story.
Don't just look at yours. "

I had to drag this down here, Your have a valid point, But unlike you claim that I tend to be looking upon "just mine", I unlike you dont hold hate or resentment towards my past. Just as I have said my sons have asked me for more time, and as well they have asked thier mom since "they know that she doesn't like to spend time with them" which comes from thier mouths. If I must place this fact in here.

That tears it!

Dude you know what, some folks try to help and bring a little light and help YOU look at your situation from another angle.

You post on a public forum, and when you do not get the answers you like you go all sixth grade on everyone.

Good luck buddy.

Children cost more then just the bills. Child support doesn't cover it all. It helps. But..the caregiver still ends up paying more. She probably rents a two bedroom. If she didn't have the child, she would be paying less for a one bedroom. Two bedrooms take more utilities then one bedroom. I could go on and on about the presents for the birthday parties they attend and so much more but it's late and I'm tired.

Dude, your assuming defensiveness says it all. Any attempt at objectivity causes passive aggressive insults towards us. And a boatload of assuming. We aren't saying anything in particular about YOU. Or her...

You don't seem to see that.... but of course why would you? It's not your fault, right?

In response to this posting that you make. During your response to my post, you say to me using the word "you". I respond by showing simple facts that show the reasoning behind my post. And then you say I go "sixth grade on everyone" which seems to further more false accusations.
Now maybe I have miss-interpreted what you wrote since you probably should have used “parents” in reference to using “you”. But could you explain where I go sixth grade on “everyone” in my response to your post?

Mon 04/13/09 09:08 AMQUOTE:

The problem with spending time with my sons during the week is that I work second shift.(she has also told them that I could see them during the week) If I could go to first with out the difference in pay, and the loss of my position that could be a way of taking care of that.(state of the economy has factors in this as well)



"Well, this just answered it all.

No point in posting more, at least to me.

And I will add your posts are WICKED defensive"

Ok were did I miss read this?

To quote a member, insert this:

[ quote]

before the phrase and this:

[/ quote]

after the phrase.

What you just posted makes less sense than your other posts.

Type in your own words after the [ /quote].

Like everyone else!