Kind of like looking for the proverbial 'needle in a hay stack'.

I e-mailed one gent for about 6 months. Seemed perfect for one another in so many ways. A terrific guy...one I will always admire and care about. Bright, artistic, witty, a tinkerer, like me.

Problems? You bet...over 3000 miles between us, his reluctance to at least meet in person...no obligations, just a face-to-face introduction (ummmm...married?), and the fact that I love people and expect too much emotional, physical and intellectual intimacy in a relationship. Him? He likes his solitude. Prefers people to remain at a distance...like long-distance, thinks it inconvenient to allow people into his life, and would have thought me, as a mate and lover, intrusive.

I gave up after letting that go. Quit looking. Luckily, I've found someone I enjoy being around. Is he the 'perfect' man? Nope. I'm not the 'perfect' woman, either. I've been told since childhood that I'm an 'odd little duck'. He seems to like that. So far, he & I both have been able to accept each other as we are.

Hmmmm, a relationship in which both are able to accept the other as is...not so easy to find. I'm hoping...

You are very one dimentional. You are not very worthy of my time. If you were truly interested in how you are wrong, I believe you would do the research yourself.

WOW -- I was really starting to think I was the only one who felt this way. I too, have gone on that journey of "self-discovery" -- I now know my limitations as well as all the things that make me strong. I also do not need a man to validate my existence; but I would like one.

I'll be sober 17yrs on April 1 (God willing) and that journey alone has taught me much -- what I want, what I don't want, realistic expectations and non-realistic dreams. I'm also a writer and I've struggled for years trying to figure out why, as a woman, I feel like such a failure in relationships. I realize today that when I was drinking it was always my fault. I always walked away first. Presently, things are different for me. I've been out of work 14 months and times are difficult for me -- but there is an inner fire in me that keeps me going and doesn't let me give up hope. The few men that have been interested in me I have found to be cowards -- as soon as they realize I'm out of work they panic and think the worst -- like I'll ask to borrow money. They never get to know me (Jayne) and what I'm all about. "Really liked your profile and pic" -- "Oh, no job -- well Yonkers, NY is really far". Prior to that it didn't matter if I lived on the moon.

I don't think I'm anything so special or great; but I am special, I know pain, I know how to love and put myself aside for someone else whose need is greater, I know sacrifice. I will never compromise my heart, soul, integrity or self-respect just to have a partner in my life. My parents always told me that I "march to my own drummer" -- and I guess they were right.

I read your profile again Lex (after you posted this thread) -- and I understand you alot more than I did previously. I appreciate your words in relation to myself -- you have reminded me that I never have to settle for what I don't want to just fit in with "NORM".

Thanks Lex

What a great cop-out. Not! But I (we) understand, "genius". Dude, I would crucify you in any debate. Even if it turned violent. lol You're a kid. We understand how much you're sure you know. See you in 20 years or so when you realize how much you really didn't.

Lex,
Have you considered a "more mature" woman whose children are grown and out of the house? Many of us have no desire to remarry. Just a thought...

I used to drive myself crazy wondering why I wasn't "normal". I didn't have many close friends, because I was forever having to soothe hurt feelings after something I had said - that I had meant only in jest - wounded people I cared about. I married at 29, much later than average, and had a child. Not planned (but would never call her a mistake!), but also something I wasn't sure I was cut out for.

Now, having been divorced for 7 years and dating off and on, I have realized that there is nothing wrong with my not being "normal". Normal, in my opinion, is subjective and really rather boring. I don't fit in a box, and any relationship that I do find myself in will most likely not fit in one either. My family has come to terms with me, and now truly means it when they say they just want me to be happy.

I don't know exactly what will cause that feeling yet, but every day I learn more about myself and where I fit into the world. I may not yet rank that as truly happy, but contentment isn't much of a stretch.

I guess the upshot is, it takes all kinds to make the world an interesting place - "normal" and "not so normal" people. If we were all the same, how boring would life be?

Yeah, been there, done that, operating under the assumption it might make a difference -- it didn't. Turns out that where the kids are doesn't make any difference in the long run -- even when they're "gone" they're never really "gone" --

You know what you want and you will also find a person who know what they want. good luck in your travels.

That's a huge point, too. People I have known, some of them who I have been seriously involved with, generally end up trying to change me into Mr. Normal. I don't think I can be Mr. Normal, and I certainly don't want to try!!

I caught some e-mail flak awhile back for characterizing some of my exes as "slightly less interesting than the ingredients list on the Planters Peanuts jar." What this tells me is:

a.) that's a pretty funny line, regardless of what anyone thinks

b.) it also happens to be true (I am not making this up, some people really are that boring -- so why did I ever get involved with the, you may ask? -- and well you may -- laziness, opportunity, whatever, I did it, I'm responsible)

c.) some people have no sense of humor

But to get to the point where you feel the need to harangue someone via personal e-mail for expressing an opinion about his own past relationships? That seems a little extreme to me.

I certainly am not about to write a nasty e-mail to someone I know nothing about, over comments they made about people I also know nothing about. Who's overstepping here....?

Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm going to permit it on the grounds it's my thread and therefore it's OK!

Thank you! I wish we had more here who thought like you do!

People have called me "different" ALL my life.

I am comfortable in my on skin, and some people can't relate to that.

Yes, I walk to the beat of a different drummer, and I am sure there is someone out there that walks to the same beat.

The trick is for them to find you or for you to find them.

No such luck yet, but I'm not giving up.

It's not in my nature......

Being a creative, strong, and confident person I have been told is not the norm. Ex-friends have told me that's why I am single.

I look at it this way, who the heck wants to be normal?

I'm not looking for a husband...

I believe you can be in a long term relationship and not be married...

Marriage changes people...
I am not changing for anyone, anymore...

Not speaking for anyone but myself...

Just.........

I have my own thoughts on why people feel the need to harass others based on profile statements. I could be wrong (it's been known to happen), but....

I believe that anyone outside of the acceptable norm is a threat, even if it's just a subliminal one. You don't want children? Well then, you must be a deranged sociopath incapable of emotion! You don't want to marry? You are obviously harboring homosexual tendencies or you have a fear of commitment. You choose to sit back and think for yourself rather than following the party line? You're obviously jaded and bitter from past bad experiences, and the "right" one will "fix" you.

I'm not saying that anyone seeking a LTR/marriage and children is wrong. I'm just saying that what works for you should be the concern of no one other than YOU (blanket "you" statement, not directed at any one person).

I have a very good friend who just recently moved to Florida. In a way, from your profile and your posts, you remind me of him. He's in his mid 30s and has never married, because he refuses to have children. He has very valid reasons for his choice, and he's happy to explain them to any woman he dates. However, it never fails that they attempt to talk him out of his decision, telling him that he'll change his mind once she is pregnant. The fact that he is an atheist and an anarchist doesn't "help" with his situation, so he tends to remain a loner in that respect. I keep telling him that he needs to form his own dating site, geared towards the people that have the same outlook he does.

Myself, I tell people that I have Relationship ADD. It's not an official diagnosis yet, but I keep hoping, lol. Then I could just get a medic alert bracelet and wave it in the face of anyone who wonders why I'm not "settled down" yet :)

Most people don't have the patience to wait for as long as it might take.

Throw in a belief in rebirth, and that's potentially a helluva long wait we are in for.

That's cool though, I'm patient. :)

That is the key! You said it correctly.

When we stop looking for the 'one', that perfect one that is suppose to fit our long list of requirements.

If you are out there doing what you like, hobbies, trying new things, etc... then there is a chance to meet a 'friend' that likes the same things are you do. Granted, this is difficult for individuals that have social deficits, however, when you look to yourself for happiness and love. You will show to others that you are a happy and healthy person.

You will be able to see those individuals that are not happy and health. You will be more likely not to get into abusive or unhappy relationships.


Now I will address the OP.

Sexy Lexy,
I have seen over the past few weeks, even before the car accident, that you have lost your 'spark'. Life has it's trials. As humans, how we handle these situations determines whether we grow or wither. Do what you need to do! I know that if you grow and learn to seek happiness and love from inside yourself, then eventually you will find what you seek.

At times, it seems almost impossible to find what I am looking for... family, white pickets fence, but a high powered career on top of it. To me, it seems like a recipe for disaster based upon our's examples. But I know that I must focus on myself.

So very very true. While few ever come right and say "You must be a deranged sociopath," there is often an inherent element of "So, what exactly is WRONG with you?" lurking within the communiques.

I admit to being jaded and bitter, but only because it works so well with the whole curmudgeonly thing. People who know me a little better get the underlying humor of it all, and they tend to play along.

But -- yeah, so many of them have wanted to "fix" me. Am I broken? Dented, maybe a little. But nobody's perfect.



But that flies in the face of "prevailing wisdom" of so many, i.e., "I'm the only one who knows anything and therefore everybody should live exactly like I do."

And if you DON'T live that way, you're automatically a Bad Person® forever.



I can't tell you how mnay times I've run into THAT one....!



Wait a minute, are you sure you're not talking about me???





While I love the idea, I have to wonder about its feasibility as an ongoing enterprise. A dating site with 6 people is going to have some serious issues.



I just tell everybody I'm "selective" and that my standards and preferences have eliminated 187% of the female population from relationship consideration....

You haven't changed and you havent lost anything LexYou are the same bright and considerate person that you have always been and I am proud to be a part of the TransLexual community

Do you play chess? I'm telling you that you're checkmated in this argument. I'm just not going to finish the game because it bores me. Cry about it.

Perfection, like normality, is boring. I'd be loathe to date ANYONE who was perfect. After all, those of us who do have morning breath and occasionally get the flu would never live up to the standard ;)



I frustrate the daylights out of that wisdom, and have an annoying tendency to nod, smile, then pat them on the head and walk away. On the up side, I love the idea of Bad Person® forever, and may have to add that to a future tattoo in some respect.



Positive, unless your name is Dave, you live in Florida, build boats for a living, and know many of my secrets. If it IS you, keep your pie hole shut! *grin*



The silver lining would be, the pool of degenerates would be radically reduced ;) 1 out of 6 is far better odds than 1 in 6 million.



I have a litmus test that I apply during my first conversation with anyone. If they hang up on me or close their IM (which is true the majority of the time), I laugh and move on. I've found it to be very effective at eliminating anyone that isn't going to "get" my sense of humor.

Someone still trying to feed you goat chow, Lex?

Re: The comment about narcissism: I think we SHOULD be a bit narcissistic about what we want in our relationships. I mean, we are the ones that have to live with it. Shouldn't we get what we feel we need?

That sounds shallow on the surface, but if each member of the party is getting what they feel they need from the relationship, doesn't that work out for the best? I don't see any problem with Lex (or anyone else) holding out for what they really want. It's just a matter of looking.

Incedently: Lex, the local theater just ran a show called "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." I wanted to let you know that the title made me thing of you.

Does Purina make goat chow? If they do, they really should hire me as the spokesmodel.



I think people tend to be very one-sided and over-the-top in their comprehension of the term "narcissism." Let's fluff it up and call it "sense of self-worth" and all of a sudden it's a noble attribute. Granted, if we're talking about a "Narcissus and Echo" scenario, that's one thing. But the way I see "narcissism" is as more of an "I'm Worth It" mindset.

And -- call me an Arrogant Narcissistic Conceited Jerk -- I don't think I really need to CHANGE who I am, to be worth it....



But people -- not everybody, it's a small sampling, in my experience, but enough to have made an impact -- get so DEFENSIVE about other people's standards and preferences. It's as if they feel the need to lash out when someone's own preferences EXCLUDE them -- "You don't want ME?? How dare you not want ME??"



That should be the title of my autobiography. Not that I would ever write one -- I'm sticking with fiction. Oh, and maybe a philosophy book.