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| Topic: How do I gently break my little girls heart? (long) | |
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I can't put IT off any longer. It's not fair to my daughter. Her father and I have been seperated since decemeber 2007- but we lived in the same town. He came over everyday. Savannah spent the night with him when he left for his house. Often times he even spent the night. That worked for a little bit- for the kids anyhow (We have two together- 5 & 2). Until his truck broke down and he lost his job.. he moved in with me for about 8 months..
But then I decided I needed to move to another state to be near my family. I moved to Oklahoma City this past decemeber. Sigh. Savannah missed him something aweful. Her heart was broken. So just before Christmas I asked him to come down and see her. He did and ended up staying til about a week ago. It's a long story, but the just of it is that I did ask him to leave several weeks back and he refused. He has no job. No Car. Oklahoma law states that you can NOT force a person out of their home without just cause. I had to either move or just let him stay. Well... he grandfather became ill and so Terry left back to louisiana-( I KNOW it sounds aweful how relieved I was when he got that call) right after his grandfather passed away- terry called me and demanded that I send him money to come back. He told me that even if I did not- he would show up anyway! While he was in my apartment I could not force him out- even if his name is not on the lease and the bills are not in his name. But now that he is gone- I can refuse to let him back in since he has no proof that he lived there. So because I KNOW he is not coming for a visit as he says- he will come here and refuse to leave.. I have to refuse to let him in. So now I have to sit my daughter down and tell her that her daddy is not coming back for awhile (The ONLY way I will let him near us is if he gets his own place and much more). I dont know how to tell her.  She is going to be so crushed. She is 5 and just.. argh. I dont know the right words to say. I know that I have to tell her.. she is waiting for his return. Please give me advice. |
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Very sad story...I think you should ask him to tell her...He should man up and start doing better for not just you and your children..But for himself also...Well good luck
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Just tell her the truth about why he can't come back. Kids are a lot more resilient then we think they are. Yes it will hurt in the beginning, but she will be okay. And be sure to answer all her questions as simply as possible.
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Very sad story...I think you should ask him to tell her...He should man up and start doing better for not just you and your children..But for himself also...Well good luck The only problem I see with him telling her is he could end up not "manning up" and end up telling the child lies and putting all the blame on the Mom. |
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yes just tell her hold her let her know you love her very much and you will always be there for her cos she might feel like you will leave her to explain that her dad will still see her but just not right now that he needs time to get a job and a home so he can be a good daddy she will understand do it with love and kind words ok
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Edited by
Sam44224
on
Tue 03/17/09 09:19 AM
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You need to be honest with her, for a lot of reasons. First, you are a model for her, so honesty is not only the best way of communicating, it's also what we teach (or don't teach) our children. Tell her that you and her daddy both love her, and always will... but for now, daddy has to find a job and a place to stay, and then he will be back. Help her focus on what is going on with her life now, not on when her dad may be back. Keep her busy with crafts, play, and books, and make her life rich in other ways! I agree with the person above, kids are very resilient and forgiving, if we treat them with honesty and respect. Good luck... it will all work out. And... hold your ground! It's in everybody's best interest, even his!
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Honesty is the best policy. Stand firm on the EX. He is acting like you owe him something you don't. When he makes his demands tell him to Sh*t in one hand and wish in another and see which one fills up first. If need be also get a court restraining order on him. There is NO and I mean NO!!!! reason in any sane world for him to cohabitate with you if the relationship is over. He needs to get a life.
Glossing over the truth to protect your child WILL bite you in the ass later if she finds the truth out and she eventually will. She needs to learn now that relationships are dangerous and tricky to find the right one. Even at five children are a lot smarter than parents give them credit for. It means the difference between your daughter living a fulfilling and happy life or repeating mom's mistakes which I have seen time and time again. AS she gets older her grasp of the situation will work its way in and as long as you do not let the sin of the past affect her present both of you have a brighter future ahead. Dad has to get a grip on his own dysfunction. I remember a friend of mine with three kids saying that "there is no negotiating with a four year old." Young children may not understand at that point but they do learn from us no matter what and how you handle this now will affect how she develops later. The hardest part is trying to decide what is right for your children and sometimes they need to learn that there are things that are beyond their control and desires. At least you were not foolish enough to "stay with your ex for the sake of the children." That line of crap has contributed to a lot of messed up kids becoming messed up adults! |
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I would just continue to tell her how much you love her and that she did nothing wrong. Tell her you will always be there for her. Say you are so sorry she is sad and upset and that grownups do things that it is hard to understand.
Do not explain to her what is going on. Do not say things regarding your soon to be ex, including "Daddy loves you"..... this is imperative. The reason for this is if you say "Daddy loves you" and then later he does something to make your kids feel that he doesn't, that makes you a liar in their eyes. The point of what you are doing is to give her a better life. If your ex wanted that he would respect boundaries and be a man. His behavior sounds like stalking. I'd explore this is I were you. As well, I'd call Children's Services, see if they can help you. If he shows up at your door.... you need help. If the police won't do it, they might. As contencious as some people view Children's Services they were designed first to help, and they really will. If they are able. It's worth asking. Good luck to you and your children. Stay strong for them. |
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Well... he grandfather became ill and so Terry left back to louisiana-( I KNOW it sounds aweful how relieved I was when he got that call) right after his grandfather passed away- terry called me and demanded that I send him money to come back. He told me that even if I did not- he would show up anyway! While he was in my apartment I could not force him out- even if his name is not on the lease and the bills are not in his name. But now that he is gone- I can refuse to let him back in since he has no proof that he lived there. So because I KNOW he is not coming for a visit as he says- he will come here and refuse to leave.. I have to refuse to let him in. Oh the joys of small town romances.  Your only recourse should he show up and demand or force entry is to call the police and report him. good luck. dont know how to tell her. She is going to be so crushed. She is 5 and just.. argh. I dont know the right words to say. I know that I have to tell her.. she is waiting for his return. Please give me advice. You might want to rehearse what you'd say to yourself as if you were 5, perhaps on paper and while you're writing, explain it as best you'd understand it as a 5 yearold.. The good news for your child is that she'll see an early example of how to refuse the unacceptable. I can think of dozens of worse examples. |
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thank you all for the replys. I am going to tell her this weekend since I don't work weekends.
I love the idea of NOT saying "Daddy loves you BUT...." I don't want to confuse her with all the facts. Do I say- "You know how daddy and I fight? Well, we dont want to anymore.. "?? ugh. Sigh. I will find the words. Like one reply said- we can't stay together for the kids- in the long run we WILL hurt them worse. Do I let him call her? Last night she said "I think daddy is hurt" I asked why.. she said "Because he forgot about me". He has not tried to call. Should I ask him to? |
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Edited by
Rapunzel
on
Tue 03/17/09 04:26 PM
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I can't put IT off any longer. It's not fair to my daughter. Her father and I have been seperated since decemeber 2007- but we lived in the same town. He came over everyday. Savannah spent the night with him when he left for his house. Often times he even spent the night. That worked for a little bit- for the kids anyhow (We have two together- 5 & 2). Until his truck broke down and he lost his job.. he moved in with me for about 8 months.. But then I decided I needed to move to another state to be near my family. I moved to Oklahoma City this past decemeber. Sigh. Savannah missed him something aweful. Her heart was broken. So just before Christmas I asked him to come down and see her. He did and ended up staying til about a week ago. It's a long story, but the just of it is that I did ask him to leave several weeks back and he refused. He has no job. No Car. Oklahoma law states that you can NOT force a person out of their home without just cause. I had to either move or just let him stay. Well... he grandfather became ill and so Terry left back to louisiana-( I KNOW it sounds aweful how relieved I was when he got that call) right after his grandfather passed away- terry called me and demanded that I send him money to come back. He told me that even if I did not- he would show up anyway! While he was in my apartment I could not force him out- even if his name is not on the lease and the bills are not in his name. But now that he is gone- I can refuse to let him back in since he has no proof that he lived there. So because I KNOW he is not coming for a visit as he says- he will come here and refuse to leave.. I have to refuse to let him in. So now I have to sit my daughter down and tell her that her daddy is not coming back for awhile (The ONLY way I will let him near us is if he gets his own place and much more). I dont know how to tell her. She is going to be so crushed. She is 5 and just.. argh. I dont know the right words to say. I know that I have to tell her.. she is waiting for his return. Please give me advice. I have three Grandchildren  a fifteen yerar old Granddaughter a five year old Granddaughter a ten year old Grandson and three grown kids of my own  so with my observations I think you are doing the right thing and children are very understanding and resilient I think you seem very wise & mature and very responsible for your children and until their dad gets a serious grip , & takes responsibility for his life and for his children I think he is a very negative force in all of your lives  and he sounds by his threats  , like he can be violent too ... You carried those babies in your own body for nine months not him  and even though a Dad can love his kids , whether he carried them or not this one is not thinking about them , only himself & you Do know what is best for them.... You daughter will get over the initial change  ...Keep on keeping on doing the right thing |
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Do I let him call her? Last night she said "I think daddy is hurt" I asked why.. she said "Because he forgot about me". He has not tried to call. Should I ask him to? 1) H*ll yes. 2) a bit to complicated to answer with so little information. It may well be a blessing if he does stop calling your daughter, at least briefly. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't restrict them from talking to each other but would also be prepared to be hurt through the child. It may well be a good idea to establish some ground rules, among which include seeking sole custody of your daughter so that if he were to kidnap her, you'd have legal recourse. |
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a well i don't have much time here...
but think again about having him live with you....go back to your lease. it stipulates that u r on the contract, not your x and his bs. go to the landlord, and tell him u r being harassed because that is what this is all about....x harassment. u might be breaking your lease by letting him stay and without a criminal and credit background check, u r opening yourself up for trouble with your landlord..in our state, people can only stay 2 weeks and they r guests...otherwise they sign and pay..simple as that.... about what to say to a 5 year old.....of course she loves her father. say nothing until the right time that the truth will spring out of the well. it will....u just have to wait. never say anything bad....daddy is hurt, well maybe but i can't help it.....or something like that.... he has u in a bind. unbind yourself. be free..these r the mistakes we make. i made them. u made them, and chances r u might make them again unless u learn from the first time. good luck. duffy the head shrink
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