Greek Mythology
Eris, Goddess of Discord
Roots of the Trojan War

It happened thusly: that the parents of Achilles (the greatest warrior in the world), Peleus, a mortal man, King of Achea…and Thetis, the river goddess daughter of Zeus, decided to marry. (Note: Achilles was already a grown man at the time as he and his peers are adults in the tale.)

They invite all the Kings and Queens and nobles from all over the Mediterranean to attend the ceremony as well as all the Gods and Goddesses on Olympus…all except one. They desire no discord while they speak their wedding vows and celebrate the feast so they intentionally fail to send Eris, Goddess of Discord, an invitation.

-Now obviously someone (I’m guessing Peleus, being a mortal) was obviously unfamiliar with the protocols of Olympian divinity, though any simple swineherd of the time with an IQ no greater than his belt length could have told Peleus (or whomever) that the fastest way to get discord at your wedding is to NOT invite the Goddess of aforementioned philosophy.-

When She realizes that She had been slighted, Eris takes it rather calmly, without tantrum or unkind word, but proceeds to seek out Hephaestus, the lame smithy of the Gods and has him forge for her a golden apple with a particular inscription.

Smiling ambiguously, She awaits the wedding day.

And shortly that day arrives—fair and lovely with only mild taintings by the befoulments of human civilization. The Sun God, Hyperion, driving His fiery chariot upward through the saffron mantles of the Goddess of Dawn, casting His light upon the just and the unjust with a joyful equanimity for the sheer weeping joy of bedazzlement and the Blessing of all Life.

The ceremony begins cordially with all the invited in attendance, but as Thetis and Peleus stand before the altar to make their troth, a shadow appears in the portico of the Temple and a beautiful golden apple comes rolling down the aisle.

Inscribed magisterially upon the apple are the words:

“To The Fairest”

-I wonder if Eris knew how far reaching the effects of this act were going to be.-

Eris then vanishes, letting events run their course.

The apple rolls to a stop of the feet of Thetis, who picks it up and reads the inscription. “Oh!” she exclaims, “this is my wedding day, so this must be for me.”

Well, Hera, the wife/sister of Zeus, is standing right next to her and, hearing Thetis read the inscription, snatches the apple from her hand and declares, “I am the Queen of the Gods, so this apple MUST be for me.”

Then, not to be outmaneuvered, Aphrodite strides up and snatches the apple from Hera. In a husky tone, as if she were in the throws of passion, she says, “I am the Goddess of Love. It is I who inspire the appreciation of beauty. This apple must be for me.”

These three Goddesses glare at one another for a few seconds over the golden apple and then as if by silent agreement, they all simultaneously turn their gazes upon Zeus. As Aphrodite hands him the apple Hera says, “Zeus, husband, brother and King of Olympus, we are at odds here and it would be unseemly for us to quarrel on our beloved cousin’s wedding day. You must decide who is to receive this apple.”

Now Zeus takes one look at these three raging Goddesses alternately glaring at one another and then at Him, breathes deeply a moment and does what any sane male in the whole of the universe would do—He passes the Buck.

He turns to Paris, the son of King Priam of the mighty horse taming Trojans, hands him the golden apple and says “Paris, it is well known that you are the Most Handsome Man in the world. Everywhere you go, women fall into swoons at the merest glimpse of your face. To whom do you say the apple belongs?”

Paris stares a few open-mouthed moments at his sudden and unredeemable predicament and says the only thing he could possibly say to get himself off the hook.

“Uh…Lemme sleep on it.”

Thetis and Peleus complete their marriage vows and everyone races to the dining hall for a phenomenal feast lasting the rest of the day, all of the night and, for some of the celebrants, well past breakfast the next morning. (The Greeks were big on parties.)

After the major portion of the festivities had concluded, Paris retires to his room and was preparing to take to his bed when the Goddess Thetis shows up.

She says, “Paris, if you give me that golden apple I will make you the richest man in all of Greece.”

To which Paris cautiously replies “Divine Lady, I will take that into consideration. But I am man of my word and I said I would make the announcement tomorrow morning and that I shall do.”

Thetis nods to him cordially and departs.

Shaking his head and longing for a solution to the situation, he moves to the bed, turns down the covers and is just about lay down when Hera appears in his quarters.

She states regally, “Paris if you give me that golden apple, I will make you the most powerful man in all of Greece and then you will automatically get all the money you desire.”

This seems to give Paris pause for thought, but again he replies, “Divine Lady, I will take that into consideration. But I am man of my word and I said I would make the announcement tomorrow morning and that I shall do.”

So worn out from drinking and dancing and worry about the wrath of Goddesses, finally Paris climbs into bed and is just about to fall asleep when Aphrodite appears to him—mother naked.

She walks slowly to his bed and sits down next to him, strokes his hair and looks deeply into his eyes. Verily flaunting her nudity to him, she whispers warmly into his ear, “Paris, if you give me that golden apple I will give you any one human woman you want.”

It takes Paris about a second and half to figure out who’s getting that apple.

On her departure, Aphrodite says, “Just call to me when you find the woman you most wish to wed and she shall be yours.”

Aphrodite receives the apple and short while later Paris and King Priam leave on an extended tour of the Mediterranean, visiting all the royal families of Greece.

Some time later they go visiting the red-haired King Menelaus of Sparta and the king introduces them to his beautiful wife; The Queen of Sparta, Helen. She is the daughter of Zeus birthed by a mortal woman named Leto and has been declared “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World”. And since Paris is “The Most Handsome Man in the World”, it seems only fitting that those two should get together.

It is Love at first sight for Paris…in an instant he knows that this was the woman he wants beyond all others. Later that night when he retires to his chambers, he prays to Aphrodite. She appears and at once Paris tells her of his desire for Helen.

Aphrodite nodded and says simply, “So be it”, and promptly returns to Olympus and resumes doing whatever it is that Goddesses of Love do when they are not out wreaking havoc among mortals.

The next day Paris approaches Helen discreetly, asking her to return with him to Troy and being under the influence of a Goddess, she agrees.

(How they got Paris’ dad Priam in on the plot is quite a mystery. Perhaps Paris smuggled her out in the back of a wagon or something. I have never heard any tale say. If anyone knows, I would be interested in knowing this part of the story. Surely, King Priam would have understood that stealing the queen of a neighboring country would result in a war.)

In any case Paris and Helen head back to Troy and set up housekeeping.

Of course in the meanwhile Menelaus is enraged and calls upon his brother, King Agamemnon of Greece to put together an army, sail off to Troy, ransack the city and get his wife back.

You must understand that there were only three “Sins” (if you will pardon the term) in Greek society: 1) A blood killing; that is killing someone in your own immediate family. 2) Hubris; the attempt of a mortal to act like a God. 3) A breach in the Institution of Hospitality.

Stealing the King’s wife definitely constitutes a breach in the Institution of Hospitality.

So Agamemnon assembles a great fleet of ships to carry an enormous army across the Mediterranean and rectify this situation by punishing these arrogant, heathen Trojans for their lack of manners.

It is here we get the famous quotation, “Is this the face that launched a thousand ships? Fair Helen, make me immortal with a kiss.”

The fleet is all lined up in the harbor, ready to go, but the prevailing wind is blowing the ships back to the docks. They are unable to make open water and the wind is unrelenting for days.

Finally, Agamemnon calls upon Tiresias, the blind prophet from Thebes, to discover why they are unable to depart. Tiresias informs Agamemnon that the Gods are displeased about this whole affair and will require a sacrifice of a young and beautiful teenage virgin. Agamemnon boldly sends for his own daughter, Iphigenia, telling his wife, Clytemnestra, that they are going to marry her off to Achilles before they leave for Troy. Clytemnestra can’t get Iphigenia down to the docks quick enough.

As soon as they show up, Agamemnon sticks a knife in Iphigenia’s chest, the wind changes and off they sail to Troy, leaving Clytemnestra gaping on the docks. However she soon returns to the castle and begins sharpening a knife of her own.

So they arrive at Troy and besiege the city for 10 years. Finally, King Odysseus of Ithaca devises the strategy of the Trojan Horse and Troy falls to the Greeks. The Trojans are slain to the last man, woman and child, except for Helen who is returned shamefacedly to Menelaus, and a man named Aeneas who escapes the carnage and sails off to found the city of Rome. (Rome later puts and end to the Greek empire, thereby satisfying karma.)

Then, except for Odysseus who loses his army at sea and is forced to wander the Mediterranean lost for another ten years, having quite a number of adventures as described in Homer’s Odyssey, the Greeks all return home

Clytemnestra meets them on the docks and promptly sticks the knife she’s been sharpening for ten years dead square in the center of Agamemnon’s chest as payback for sacrificing their daughter. (Yes the movie, Troy, starring Brad Pitt misrepresented the location of Agamemnon’s death, though I thought they did a fine job on how the legend of Achilles death came about.) Their son, Orestes, is then urged to kill his mother by the Goddess Athena and whole new tale begins which is covered in the plays by Sophocles called the Orestian Trilogy.

Eris’ legacy lives on today in anyone who has read Homer, Sophocles or for that matter… this article.

(This tale was told to me verbally by Dr. William H. Abbott, chairman of the English Department at Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas. I have never seen this story in print. While the main points of the story have been faithfully presented here, the embellishment of details I claim as my own with and through artistic license. I have referenced Homer and the Bible at least once and any number of sources on Greek mythology on numerous occasions. My goal here is to make the tale Eris entertaining to the 21st century reader, perhaps at the cost of the accuracy in minor details. Please feel free to correct me on any point you take issue with.)

Has anyone else read the "Principia Discordia or How I Found Goddess and What I Did to Her When I Found Her" ?

I love that book. It's one half of my Bible.