What not to do at Hogwarts:

1. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not
imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

2. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra
credit project for Herbology."

3. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

4. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write "I told you I was hardcore."

5. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful."

6. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my
wand" in the common room is not.

7. I am not allowed to cackle whenever practicing magic. Real wizards
don’t get it.

8. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against
the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever
money-making concept.

9. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if
today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

10. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms."

11. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

12. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they
start to fight.

13. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

14. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.

15. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

16. Asking, "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking
away is only funny the first time.

17. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

18. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

19. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What’s new, *****cat?"

20. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

21. A drawn on thunder cloud scar over my left eyebrow does not mean I
am Harry Potter’s evil twin.

22. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0" is not a valid T-shirt slogan.

23. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I
will not use guns against the Death Eaters.

24. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."

25. Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him,
is NOT Yoda in disguise.

26. I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school anthem.

27. Recording a remix of "It’s a Hard Knock Life" using the
house-elves as vocal backing is not funny.

28. I will not follow Potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens.

29. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard’s Staff Has a
Knob on the End."

30. It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points
from Gryffindor.

31. I am not allowed to sing "Holding Out For A Hero" whenever Harry
Potter enters the room.

32. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to
refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"

33. I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins "Merry and Pippin."

34. I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron "Frodo and Sam."

35. It probably isn’t smart to call Draco "Legolas" either.

36. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together
and take bets on which house will come out alive.

37. Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is not a good idea.

38. Yelling "Oh my God! It’s the clan!" when death eaters are coming
to get you is NOT a lifesaving line.

39. I will not change the Gryffindor password to "Draco Malfoy is a
sexy beast."

40. Telling Umbridge that cardigans are so 2005 will get you in trouble.

41. "Accidentally" dropping Polyjuice potion with Luna Lovegood’s hair
in Snape’s drink is a very unhealthy hobby.

42. Eating doxies will not make you high.

43. I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month."

44. I am not allowed to point out that turning on a flashlight is
quieter than saying "lumos."

45. Misspelling the word "serious" as "Sirius" on your potions
assignments is not a
way to make friends with your potions teacher.

46. I will not ask Professor McGonagall if she is related to Mrs. Norris.

47. I must not charm little heart-shaped bubbles to pop up anytime
Hermione and Ron look at each other.

48. I will not point out to Trelawney that astrology needs to be
rewritten as Pluto is no longer a planet.

49. I will not borrow Trelawney..s tarot cards for a game of poker.

50. I am not allowed to hiss at Harry instead of talking.

51. I will not switch the labels on the ingredient boxes in Snape..s storeroom.

52. I will not rearrange the letters in my name to something evil sounding.
On this note, I am also not to get a group of followers and call them
something evil.
Along with the above, I am not to get everyone similar tattoos.

53. I will not ask Professor Sprout were she hides the good stuff.

57. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

55. I will not bring a semi automatic weapon to Hogwart’s for protection.

56. I will not confess my undying love for Professor Snape in the
middle of breakfast in the Great Hall. Professor Snape is probably not
a morning person. I will wait until dinner or at least lunch.

57. I will not drink Polyjuice Potion with Draco’s hair in it and ask
Luna Lovegood to marry me.

58. I will not write to Voldemort with requests to be second in command.

59. I will not drink Polyjuice Potion with Harry’s hair in it, put
foundation on the scar, wear brown contact lenses, and tell Harry that
I am his father.

60. I will not set up a blind date for Harry and Voldemort.

61. I will not tell everyone that Draco Malfoy touches little boys.

62. When asked a question by a teacher I will not point out that the
answer is protected by a Fidelius charm and I am not the secret
keeper.

63. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden because it contains werewolves
and massive spiders, not because there is a secret cave with the
answer to every test, and I should refrain from telling the first
years that there is.

64. I must not point to the Dark Mark in the sky and shout, "To the
Batmobile, Robin!"

65. I will not ask Harry if his Voldy senses are tingling.

66. I will not ask Professor Snape questions about Batman..s cape. Nor
will I suggest that he be Robin.

67. I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing.

68. I will not sit in Dumbledore’s lap and tell him what I want for
Christmas this year.

69. I will not when looking for Professor McGonagall say, "Hear kitty, kitty."

70. I am not allowed to tell Voldemort that he should consider eye
liner to bring out the color in his eyes.

71. I will not order seven Hogwarts house elves to go to a costume
party with me to perfect my Snow White costume.

72. I will not make the Hogwarts house elves sneak the answers for the
exams from the teachers.

73. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she’s lying.

74. I will not sing "We’re off to see the Wizard" when sent to the
Headmaster’s office.

75. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "Happy place."

76. I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.

77. I will not refer to the accio charm as "The Force."

78. I will not put muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

79. I will not set Ravenclaw house on the task of calculating the
exact value of pi.

80. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for
extra credit.

81. However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas
card telling him how much we all love him, even through these
difficult times.

82. I am not allowed to taunt Professor McGonagall with Catnip.

83. I will not give Voldemort a toupee.

84. Yelling "To infinity, and BEYOND!" is only funny the first time
you ride a broom.

85. I will not bring "Becoming a Dark Lord for Dummies" to read at the
breakfast table.

86. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAM!" every time I apparate.

87. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15
seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. "Swish and flick" is only a wand movement.

89. I will not get the sorting hat drunk, no matter how funny his song
was the first time.

90. First years are not "the Little People."

91. Hobbits are not magical beings in the wizarding world.

92. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during
Arithmancy exams.

93. Just because I can subject someone to horrific magical torture
does not mean I should.

94. "42" is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s.

95. Crashing a Ford Anglia into the Whomping Willow is not the best
entrance to make. Crashing it into Snape’s office is.

96. I will not ask Hagrid exactly how he was conceived.

97. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an
appropriate career choice.

98. I will not tell Harry that he is fictional and that everything he
has worked for is nothing more than a best selling novel.

99. I am not allowed to sing the Mission: Impossible theme every time
Professor Snape stalks down the hallways.

100. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and
shout "I got the power!"