I did call him the next week diary. He said he needs to quit drinking so much because he's had the sh!ts so bad. Been sh!tting sh!tty sh!ts all week. I just laughed. Told him to take some ibuprofen.

Wow. So this is The Day you've been waiting for, all these years. Son has moved out, and is coming "home" to visit.
There's the "I will always be your Mom."
Someday, perhaps sooner than you know it, there will be the other Finishing Sentence. The one where he says, "I wish that I had known you, as you, besides being my mother."
It will break your heart and also make you love him and feel fulfilled in a whole bigger way.

Maybe, in his own way, he has already expressed that sentiment. I just know that the feeling of me being forever a stranger to whomever my mom was, besides being my mom, has stayed with me.

I did get to know her, perhaps better than either of my brothers ever did. I could not see the real person as well when I was with her as when I look back and consider who she was and how we were both trying to share more of ourselves with each other outside of the "roles" of life.


Dear Diary:

In retrospect, I wish that I had done more to make changes in my mother's life that she was powerless to make happen in her role. A son can do that, for his mother, but he must think of it on his own, and do it without letting her know that it is being done.

Someday, I will visit her grave, and clean up all around it.
I should plant something...somewhere...that will bloom and have fruit and seeds for birds and things. It will give back to the world something that I wanted to express.

my sisters and I all planted roses in our yards for our mom
they sprinkled my mom and my dads in the ocean so theres no grave to visit the Pacific ocean , thats a pretty big grave

That's nice scoundrel. I'm the keeper of the flame in my family. So many freinds and family are gone. Their graves are all in close proximity to where I reside. In doing my background work and tracing family history over the last 5 years I've learned more than I could imagine. There are 3 cemetarys where most of my family reside. Two of my cousins and myself help maintain the plots. Its been inspiring.

dead cheese in your house