A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his
own.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer
parks.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse
kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only
one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly
with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck
with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly,
well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with
hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the
origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for
daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,
to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he
taketh away.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
“beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director
once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,”
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what
beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris
plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to
the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse
kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for
super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it
was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess.
When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the
side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct
species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who
would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out
transformed into a robot.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of
clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get
out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse
kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended
or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to
a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone
constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then
burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the
flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost
his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its
technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of
northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and
the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word,
Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred
when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be
seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with
lactose’s ****.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a
nuclear war, all that would remain are ****roaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to
make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with
barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the
reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. <--------LOL


who doesn't?

wtf

These Chuckie stories are the funniest I´ve seen for a looong time.
Thanx!

<<<<<<<---------doesn't
<<<<<<<---------use
<<<<<<<---------chuck norris
<<<<<<<---------pictures

but hey you know what they say about short people

....that Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked them short??

lmao good ole chuck norris