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| Topic: LETTER FROM Ex EMPLOYEE. | |
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To: STAFF
From: EX-EMPLOYEE Subject: OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness. Since several of you have openly called me a son-of-***** to my face. I know I must have done something wrong at our office party last Friday. The office manager called me from the hospital, and, as this is my last day, I’d like to take this opportunity of apologising to you all. I would prefer speaking to each of you personally, but you all seem to go deaf and dumb when I try to talk to you. Firstly: To my beloved boss, Mr. Simons. I am sorry for all the things I called you on Friday. I am very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor is your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was simply a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, well, you will never know haw badly I felt about it, and I hope they didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jar off. To comely Miss Ashley I express my deepest regret: In my own defence, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet onto the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure that you will admit it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had. Dave Jones, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known that you were so jumpy, I would never have done it. It could have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn’t been standing right under the window when you jumped through. She broke your fall a lot. People have been killed, falling three storeys. Mr Gray, I regret telling the fireman that it was you who turned in that false alarm, but of course I had no way of knowing that they would be such bad sports about it. Those fire hoses sure do have a lot of pressure don’t they? And the water is so cold! Bill Crane: You rate a special apology. My laughing, when you forgot to put the seat down and got stuck in the toilet was bad enough, but my calling everyone else in to watch, was unforgivable. Reg Hughes: I know how you must feel about my opening the door to the cleaning cupboard so suddenly; it must have startled you and Miss Finch quite badly. When I think of how badly you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent down to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We will have to get together some time for dinner, when the dentist finishes your plate. Miss Brown: The only excuse I can offer for stealing all of your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies rest room is that I was drunk. Also, I would like you to know that I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I had hidden them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Raising your falsies out on the flagpole was a bit too much, I guess, but as I said I was a little bit drunk. To the rest of you, I’m sorry. Setting Mrs Williams lace panties on fire seemed a funny idea at the time, but it makes me sad to hear that her husband is filing for a divorce because of what I did. Now that I’ve apologised to all of you, and I know I will be forgiven, I’ve got a big surprise for you! Even though I don’t work here anymore, I’m going to do my best to be there for the office picnic  
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Very funny read first thing in the am.
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