The full title (that got cut off is...)

"Opinions needed about flirting... (while your partner is waiting for you in Yahoo Messenger)"

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OK, so here's the scenario...

... you meet someone and mutually fall for them, and from time to time you get to talking all hot and bothered in the Yahoo messenger thing.

... you partner falls out for a few in the midst of it getting pretty steamy in the Yahoo room... and you discover by mistake that they had been (at this very moment due to recognizing the time stamp on the posts) off in a thread flirting with somebody else.

The story they give you is... they like to flirt, they have always flirted, they will do whatever the hell they want to and if you don't like it... pretty much tough cookies.

You like the person, but are in shock that they were off flirting considering the heated nature of the conversation in the Yahoo messenger.

Also, you suspect and have witnessed the person being overly flirtatious for your taste, and this isn't the first time the discussion of this person flirting has come up.

I really don't know how to react. I am still shocked that they were off flirting with somebody while they had me all hot and bothered in the messenger.

My one comment in our discussion was "damn, can't you leave Mingle alone for five minutes while you talk to me?"

Her one comment that stands out in my mind the most was... "I like to flirt, I have always liked to flirt, and you either love me for who I am, or you don't"


So...

... do you break it off and tell them to go to hell? My first initial response was to tell her to go to hell. I kinda felt like most men would feel the same way.

... do you forgive them and just move on? And she has promised it is going to happen again, even after talking about it afterward for quite some time.

I don't know how this will go posting it out on the forums like this, but I would really like to see the reaction of other people in this same situation. This is a place to ask for relationship advice, so here goes.

I wouldn't stick around.. there may be a little flirting here or there, could be harmless.. but if she chooses to do it as a hobby knowing you don't like it thats just disrespectful.. she is flirting becasue she likes the attention.. what happens when the time comes that the flirting on line isnt enough and she needs to do it in person? what happens when it gets even further than that.

Thank you for your comment.

I told her that I didn't believe in asking her to stop. I think that is the beginning of a controlling relationship and I'm not going there. I also told her that I did not think it was a good match up, because I felt different about her flirting.

Since we met and have become kinda serious, her flirting hasn't let up one bit.

She claims it is harmless fun and means nothing. I have a different opinion. I am just trying to sort this out.

She says she cares very deeply for me, even says she loves me. I don't know if I can go for it or not. I'm admittedly not the most experienced in human behavior, but it just feels odd. It isn't something I would do. Especially in the scenario described above. We were talking very intimately one to another, she left the chat for a bit, and I discovered by mistake she had in that exact moment been flirting with some other dude, while I was all hot and bothered in Yahoo.

The Internet... haha... screw it all... LOL

Thank you for your comment.

I told her that I didn't believe in asking her to stop. I think that is the beginning of a controlling relationship and I'm not going there. I also told her that I did not think it was a good match up, because I felt different about her flirting.

Since we met and have become kinda serious, her flirting hasn't let up one bit.

She claims it is harmless fun and means nothing. I have a different opinion. I am just trying to sort this out.

She says she cares very deeply for me, even says she loves me. I don't know if I can go for it or not. I'm admittedly not the most experienced in human behavior, but it just feels odd. It isn't something I would do. Especially in the scenario described above. We were talking very intimately one to another, she left the chat for a bit, and I discovered by mistake she had in that exact moment been flirting with some other dude, while I was all hot and bothered in Yahoo.

The Internet... haha... screw it all... LOL

whoa

going crazy here...

I dont believe that being controlling... if she couldnt speak to men at all or you told her what to do.. maybe.. but anpother thing.. she is leading these men on.. and again if you see a man with a woman.. and that woman comes to flirt with you and the man does nothing.. how would you look at him?

I dont believe that being controlling... if she couldnt speak to men at all or you told her what to do.. maybe.. but anpother thing.. she is leading these men on.. and again if you see a man with a woman.. and that woman comes to flirt with you and the man does nothing.. how would you look at him?

Is there such a thing as relationship discipline?

Instead of just flat out breaking it off, figuring out some way to take a step back if certain values are encroached. I am trying to put the thought together, but all I can think of is taking the phone away from a teenager.

So, when something like this happens, maybe I don't call or contact for a time. If she is sincere about what she says her feelings are for me, then maybe she would notice the difference in me not being so available.

If it persists, then I draw back even further to protect myself. I care for her, but typically, I'm not going to put up with sh!t like what is described in the OP. I don't feel I deserve to be treated like that. Held as a sexual object, then like "speak to the hand" while she goes and plays on the threads, then comes back to the conversation as if nothing had happened.

It doesn't matter who it was she was flirting with, just some random "friend"... and it doesn't matter what was said in the thread... what matters is the timing of it.

It just makes me sick to my stomach because I am simply shocked that it happened. I don't expect her to bow to me as if I were a god, but show me, or herself, or somebody a little respect if you are in a conversation that is intimate, and go on a fluke to flirt with someone on the forums.

Just doesn't add up to me.

No, not controlling, I told her to go and do whatever made her happy, but don't expect me to have to put up with it or like it. And don't expect me to be here when she comes back looking. And that I wasn't about to tell her to stop. If in the process we find irreconcilable differences, then so be it.

-----Leading men on... that is an interesting point. That seems to be maybe the thrill of the whole thing... daring to say some kind of risque stuff to someone who is basically a stranger, howbeit claimed to be a "friend"...

She accuses me of being jealous. I don't know what to think, actually. I'm just shocked still. Not mad, not upset, it just boggles my mind. What she did I would not dream of doing in a million years. Not at that timing, not in this scenario.

Well, the only thing I can say is that if you're not comfortable with it, and clearly you aren't, then she's probably not the one for you. Lots of people like to flirt but there should be very clear boundaries, boundaries BOTH parties are comfortable with and willing to honor. If she's not willing to compromise to ANY extent, than I just don't see this working out for you, sorry to say. Nothing wrong with a little HARMLESS flirting, but when it crosses a line, wherever that line may be for a couple, than it's no longer harmless, in my opinion.

I think you are right. It is going to be the death sentence for this relationship.

I'm definitely NOT comfortable with it at all, and that makes me not comfortable with her.

No, she made it pretty clear in saying she was going to do "whatever the hell she wanted to do", and was in no way going to compromise. So, at that, she is in control of her half of the relationship. She made her choice, I didn't put it out there as such, I was just going to let her have enough rope. But her choice was pretty much to say (infer) "screw you, I'm going to flirt, get over it"... doesn't seem like she thinks much of me with that attitude.

I deserve better.

I really do.

When I hold someone in a special place in my life, stuff like flirting and such comes to a large change because I honor the person I am with. One of two things, either that just does not register to her as an option at all... or, she could really care less about me, and her "affection" toward me is all a game. In affect, making me just a toy when its convenient. I thought it was different than that, but maybe I need to open my eyes.

Actions speak much louder than words.

ps. SuzinVA, thanks for your honest comments.

More folks can chime in as people wake up and log on. I'm curious to see what folks have to say.

Wow, I would break this off completely.
Just not worth it.

You're more than welcome. I agree, since I've been with my boyfriend, the flirting on here has been cut waaaaaaaaaaay back, we both consider our behavior here to be well within acceptable limits. We still have a good time, just in a different way, because we both honor and respect each other and out relationship.

Yup.

I stand to lose my heart and lose my mind in the process of going against my belief system.

Meanwhile, she loses nothing.

Except me.......

... which supposedly (from her words) is everything....

... I wonder what is more important, really.

I just have a suspicion that her actions on her are a bit out-of-control, and have been for some time.

She's had friends mention it to her, but I think all-in-all, it is something she actually struggles with. I wish her the best, but I can't stand by and be run over like being hit by a Mack truck on the freeway because of it. I think more of myself than that...

It (the relationship) is so perfect in so many ways, its a shame to have to give up, but I have to guard my heart first, as no one else is going to do it for me.

Get this.....

....she even suggested that I de-activate from Mingle so I don't see her flirt with the other guys.

Yeah, that's really fair to me.

What about all my friends here that have developed some kind of friendship with me.... I guess I just ditch them all and de-activate so she can flirt full speed ahead.

I told her it's all about choices. She can choose to do whichever thing she wants. And I left the choice up to her, and this is as far as its gotten so far.

Like I said, looks like the death sentence to the relationship to me.

it is the nature of the beast....I am the devil's advocate here because I am a terrible flirt.

It seems to me that you are well aware of her flirty patterns....no offence when I say this but, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen man.

I assume you liked this chick for who she is. It don't seem right to expect her to change....which I doubt she will anyway. I mean, we are grown adults....who among us is gonna change decades of patterns at this point in our lives?

Not me, that's for DAMN sure.


I deserve better.

then best of luck in your continuing search bro. I just hope she wasn't flirting with me....(she could have been)...while giving you IM.