It's Thanksgiving day and I'm sitting here alone, cooking a chicken for myself. My father is coming over in a bit, but he's currently just as single as I am. My mother has left him after 35 years of marriage.

I'm not especially sad, I could be spending this day with someone, but I choose not too. Maybe that's a sign of healing. In three years time, dating the same woman for the majority of it, I've spent three holidays with her, and she broke up on one.

Such is life dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

This is not about her though, this is about me. I was awakened this morning by texts from an ex-girlfriend. She has had three dates that I know of this week. Guys are literally fighting over her time.

Another ex-girlfriend messaged me yesterday. She was upset because she wasn't seeing her boyfriend enough.

"I'm only seeing him for five minutes at a time and I need more".

I'd kill to be seeing someone for five minutes at a time. Honestly, I'm nowhere near where I need to be to be dating. My last relationship kicked the living **** out of me. I put so much into it, tried so hard, so many ways and failed everytime, but not because of anything I did. I failed because she has an illness and nothing I could do would ever matter.

I've loved three women in my life. My ex-fiance I met when I was 18. We dated for a year before I asked her to marry me and she said yes. Ten days before our wedding date, she disappeared. I know where she went, and I know why she did it, and I also know that within a few months she had realized she'd made a mistake. By that time I had moved on.

I hadn't just moved on, I hardened my heart. I became confrontational, angry, arrogant, overbearing. I did not like myself much.

My second love was my ex-wife. I met her at a party and she got so drunk that we had to change the party's location because of her crying. A few days later a mutual friend set us up and we began dating. We married in 1992 and had our first and only child in 1999.

My ex-wife did not get a good deal when she got me. I was not the good guy I had been before my ex-fiance. She married the hardened, sarcastic man that I became afterwards, but that was ok, that's what she had grown up with, so it felt right for her.

Having my son changed me. Joshua amazed me. He gave me life. He made me want to be worth him, and my walls dropped. I remember one day specifically where I could literally feel the anger seeping out of me.

I began to like people again. I fell in love with my wife and I became a great husband and wonderful dad. I learned to cook, to clean, to care for people. I began to like myself again. My church asked me to work with the youth based on my relationship with my son!

This unsettled my wife and she found someone else. I'd just become too good for her. How crazy is that? She married her boss within a few months of our divorce.

Amazingly enough, the judge at our divorce trial gave me custody of my son. I lost custody of him 2 years later.

My third love was my recent ex-girlfriend. I met her at a church meeting and for the first 6 months we were friends she was morally and ethically above reproach. She made me sit on a different couch so that we wouldn't be faced with temptation. We tried doing everything in a Godly manner. She was so very impressive! Beautiful, intelligent and joyful. I knew she had a past, a very sordid past, but I also saw daily evidence that she was working on herself and making changes. I knew this was possible because, after all, what had happened in my life?

After being friends for months we began dating and everything changed in an instant. I remember going to her house to prepare for our first date, and this woman who demanded that we not share a couch answered the door topless! She walked around her house asking me what shirt she should wear and I just stood there confused. What the hell was going on?

Our first date ended with me driving her home and her completely naked in my car. I had to carry her upstairs like that and put her to bed.

Needless to say, I gave in and hell ensued. Three years of dealing with massively changing moods and her sexual instability. Demanding we be celibate and telling me that I needed to be a man that could say no to her, and then an hour later walking up to me in nothing but a miniskirt and 6" heels and telling me, "Say no now".

I've finally, after three years, rid myself of her emotionally. She still harasses me with texts and calls, but I can deal with them now.

No, I cannot just change my number, its a business phone, but I am able to ignore her and not respond.

This does not mean I like being alone though. I think about it a lot. Thank heavens I'm not the kind of guy that will take any warm body to fill the emptiness. I'm too stubborn for that.

I demand chemistry. I will no longer settle for less than I deserve. Less than my son deserves.

I have messed up some good possibilities in the last couple of years too. I have hurt people I care for because I was not over my borderline girlfriend. Who knows where I would be right now if Id been thinking levelly?

So, I'm sitting here alone on thanksgiving and I'm giving my thanks

Thank you to my good friends who have been through all of this with me and still accept my calls.

Thank you Anna and Good Jennifer for still being my friend after I mangled your hearts.

Thank you Joshua for being my son. You amaze me and you make me so proud.

I promise you I will be strong and be worth your consideration.

I just see it as another day came gone an went lucky I have a big family but man another birthday with out someone that not good but oh well.. got my friends lol

Very well said and maybe you are healing. It takes so much time for that. Everyone makes mistakes. But at least you're learning from them. That's what really matters. When you don't learn from them you are doomed to repeat over and over again. It's good that you can sit there and be Thankful for what you still have instead of so many others just complain about what they don't have instead. Happy Thanksgiving to you

It takes time to heal.........I know where you're saying because I am single, have no one in my life. I never experience in long relationship or even marry. I would just let it take is course and see what happens. I just want put smile on your face coming from a good girl who been broken heart so many times........... Happy Thanksgiving to you too.......

(((Tuck))) <<< that is just because everyone needs a hug now and then.

This is an amazing write and I love the way you just bared your soul to us. It takes a pretty stand-up guy to sit down and put his thoughts and feelings out there for others to scrutinize.

Right this moment I am giving thanks to God for letting me read this and letting you write it.

Thanks again

Stay strong.

These are some Scriptures that helped me through the pain in my life...


Matthew 5:3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

Psalms 30:For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Psalm 55:22 Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.


This right here is my FAVORITE Scripture and has helped me down in the valley and dark nights of my soul...

Psalm 34:17 The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

God bless...

Susan

Very very well said. Iam in a relationship right now just like your last girlfriend,,,mood changes like you wouldnt belive. He supper nice on minute and as like a nut the next. Iam trying to end it but Iv ben going out with him for 1 year now. I met him at a church dinner. I grown to love him, so now what iam I to do?. So I know where your coming from but I know I must end it. I was married for 25 years and my husband passed away and he could be alittle crazy at times. I said Iam going to find a caring , loving person this time. What happens, I hooked up with the same kind of man.I spent thanksgiving with my mother , my dads in a nusing home. But Iam thankful too for all the friends I have and the new church I go to. And I think we will both heal,,,WITH Gods HELP!