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| Topic: Toms add on thread | |
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 11/21/08 01:05 PM
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More may follow.
 Feel free to add your own contributions. Annual Nymphomaniac Convention A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?" "Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me Paddy."   The Gay Flight Attendant My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I f*cking outrank you b!tch. George W. Bush US Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of George W. Bush on it to honor his achievements. Unfortunately, the stamp has not been sticking to envelopes. This has enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, the investigation revealed three findings: 1. The stamp is in perfect order. 2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. 3. People are spitting on the wrong side. Hotel Prices Next time you think your hotel bill is too high...you might want to use this mans logic....... A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we did'nt use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife. But I didnt, exclaims the manager "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have." A woman was in town on a shopping trip A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her Mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husbands's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!" The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd you buy?"  Drunk driver in Paris Maybe you know him... A gendarme in Paris last night pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser". The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath". The gendarme said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample" The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way". So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then". The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays football for Washington, please don't take the piss out of him". Grandma's boyfriend A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' Grandpa's advice This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa. I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, " And be sure you marry a woman with small hands." "Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked. "It makes your cöck look bigger." It kinda' brings a tear to your eye  , doesn't it? |
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George W. Bush Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Australian Prime Minister John Howard on it to honor his achievements. Unfortunately, the stamp has not been sticking to envelopes. This has enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, the investigation revealed three findings: 1. The stamp is in perfect order. 2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. 3. People are spitting on the wrong side. And why is this under the header "George W. Bush"? Just curious  |
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George W. Bush Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Australian Prime Minister John Howard on it to honor his achievements. Unfortunately, the stamp has not been sticking to envelopes. This has enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, the investigation revealed three findings: 1. The stamp is in perfect order. 2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. 3. People are spitting on the wrong side. And why is this under the header "George W. Bush"? Just curious I have amended it appropriately. 
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 11/21/08 01:54 PM
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Prison v Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. . . WORK PRISON you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell WORK you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle PRISON you get three meals a day fully paid for WORK you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it PRISON you get time off for good behaviour WORK you get more work for good behaviour PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you WORK you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself PRISON you can watch TV and play games WORK you could get fired for watching TV and playing games PRISON you get your own toilet WORK you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit WORK you aren't even supposed to speak to your family PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required Work you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens WORK they are called managers |
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Prison v Work Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. . . WORK PRISON you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell WORK you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle PRISON you get three meals a day fully paid for WORK you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it PRISON you get time off for good behaviour WORK you get more work for good behaviour PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you WORK you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself PRISON you can watch TV and play games WORK you could get fired for watching TV and playing games PRISON you get your own toilet WORK you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit WORK you aren't even supposed to speak to your family PRISON all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required Work you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens WORK they are called managers ha ha ha ha i ganna print this put and post it on my desk for all to see!!! |
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Bob and a dumb blonde
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!' Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here' s your money.' Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.' |
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