I need some help to understand something and I am sorry you must know
the whole story.

My wife decided that we needed to separate and no I did not see it
coming. I was in the process of planning two vacations for the year that
she did not know was coming (I did save several thousand on canceling)
and I did not cheat. This happened a few months ago.

Reasons she gave me
1) It is not me it is her
3) Refer to #1 (get the point)

She has a demanding job, as do I. She is trying to get her masters
degree, and we each get the kids for 7 days at a time because I cannot
be away from them any longer. I would have them all the time but she is
a good mother and my children deserve that. I always jump to get the
kids when she calls to say that she cannot make it, have no problem with
that and I even try to invent reasons why I need to have them a couple
of days when it is her week. She left me with everything; I have the
house and all the bills (she does help so not a big problem there
either).

Sorry that the story is so long.
The problem is that she gets upset with me because I have no desire to
have a conversation with her. I am sorry but I do not want to hear about
her job and the deadlines, or how her school is going, or even that her
car needs an oil change. I never get upset, or raise my voice. I simply
answer yes or no and hang up. All I feel I need from her is that my kids
are doing well and what days she will not be able to pick them up, that
is it. I do not feel that with the reasons that she has given me that
she deserves enough of my respect to spend my time being friendly to
her. I know why she left (and she was not cheating either), and the
reasons were not me and I respected her even less when I found out what
they were.

So the question is, if you can make sense of all that, is am I wrong for
being short and to the point with her. Am I wrong for not really caring
what is going wrong in her day. Am I of my rocker here.

No, sounds like you just want to move on with your life..and she's still
holding on to the past, somewhat. And whether or not she "means" to,
it's hard to break that connection.

Maybe indulge her a little bit, but I wouldn't feel guilty for cutting
the conversation short, if I were you.

In time, her need to converse with you will fade, as new things and
people become part of her life.

Nope...you're not off your rocker..
It was her Choice to want to separate. And it's your Choice to not want
to chit chat.
As long as the kids are put as the top priority, you're entitled to make
your own choice as well.

She gave up that privalage with the relationship what part doesnt she
understand. she wants what parts suits her.. OOHHHH WELLL!!

Thank you both.

Sorry thank all three.

I do think she wants what suits her and maybe that is why I do not wish
to have a conversation with her. Again thanks

set it up to where she leaves messages for you or thru the kids. so you
have time to heal. since she's the one that didnt hold up her end of a
commitment to something that is suppose to be a life time thru good &
bad. make her deal with 1/2 the problems that she left behind it
shouldnt be your burden since she left you could make her deal with
most of it..

getting way to deep here... sorry

Hey RK sounds to me like you are doing exactly the right thing, She
didnt give you a good reason for her leaving, why is you feel you even
owe her the time of day? Some women say that kind of stuff just because
something better came along, or so they think ... Be a man leave it
alone and if it was meant to be she will be back, (easier said then done
I know, but gets easier every day) good luck

Catch I did not even cover the commitment part that makes me feel even
more like I should do what you suggested. I will however not let my
children see me ignore her that bad. She is a good mother.

Tom I appreciate that. I was trying to understand if I was doing the
right thing by trying to leave it alone. The other part though, she is
not coming back, I will not take her.

I dont think your off your rocker.

However do you know what you want?

Do you want out of the relationship?


ps sometimes when we love someone we do need to be an active listener
even when we don't want to.

That is if you want a relationship to thrive.

JMHO

Even though its already been said, you're doing fine bubba.

Kudos on giving her credit where credit is due, and being able to
seperate her good qualities from her selfish ones.

If she tries to yell or berate you for your behavior, personally I'd
tell her, "You lost the right to yell at me when you gave up on us. You
are a great mother, but between us, that is as far as it goes. Now what
time blabbity bloo kids blibbidy dee?"

Perhaps it could be said with more elegance and tact, but the bottom
line is that it needs to be said.

Even in relationships that are still going, men are often a little
reluctant to hear about all the little details of a day in a woman's
life. It sounds like rambling to them, because men are direct and up to
the point. It's not a fault, but we are different that way.

I see no reason whatsoever why you should put up with that, when you two
split up. She's using you as a 'listener' because it makes her feel good
to get it out of her system. Let her find someone else to do the
listening - like a gf or her next bf. I'd tell her directly, yet gently,
that since you are not together anymore, it is not up to you to listen
to the unimportant stuff that doesn't concern the welfare the kids.

Sounds to me like she wants the benefits of a relationship without
having the constraints of a relationship. She needs to learn that there
are consequences for her actions.

If you want try to put things back together get help, otherwise get
divorced. Seperations just leave everythng in limbo, not going forward,
not going back. Hard on kids & both of you.
Can't agree with sending messages thru kids, puts them involved where
they shouldn't be.

Both of you need to "Fish or cut bait."

Move on either way.

Just my opinion, do what works for you.

rk ... it seems like we have the same problem only vise versa

That was one of the reasons why i left my exboyfrient cuz I got sick and
tired of listening all that boring stuff how bad his day was, and all
people are morons and ... he needs to change tires in 5 mins. God! why
do you tell me all that stuff, just do it and be positive. There is so
many more amuzing events to discuss. Right?

I'm trying to avoid any contacts with him ... and when he comes to pick
up our son ... My little one is already ready and waiting for him on a
steps.

Good luck to you.
You will be fine ... just find her a boyfriend

I'm a 100% with what oldsage said about sending messages thru the kids.
It would put a lot of stress on them which I'm sure they already have
since their mom went her own way. Try and work it out so the kids have
as much of a normal life as possible. (if that is possible now)
Sometimes kids suffer in silence.I think you should both sit with them
kids and talk to them. You're both good parents but there's more to this
than making sure they have food on their plates and clothes on their
backs. Good Luck to all of you.

No, the relationship is over. Yes, you both need to be civil to each
other for the childen sake, but you have the right t set some boundaries
including emotional distance. Especially, since she decided to end the
relationship!