Everyone has issues.

This may seem to be a pretty basic fact to most, but not too long ago it was an epiphany to me. See, I grew up convincing myself that everyone in the world was better than me, I was the only one with insecurities, and if and when anyone had a problem it was always somehow my fault. Of course, this makes no sense, but when one is ruled by one’s insecurities and self-deprecation practically from birth, these things seem perfectly rational.

I ran my life this way for a very long time, and by the time I was an adult it was such a part of me that I no longer even gave it a second thought.

Then it consumed me.

The church was always right, therefore I gave my soul to the church.

My husband was always right, therefore I gave my will to my husband.

My friends were always right, therefore I gave my opinions to my friends.

Strangers were always right, therefore I gave my worth to strangers.

People were always right, therefore I gave my freedom to people.

So who was I? A mixture of what everyone else wanted me to be or thought I was. And who did I think I was?


Exactly what I was. Nothing.

I began to break out of that hold about 4 years ago. I attribute this to three things: my son, whom I was pregnant with and who gave me a shot of testosterone, aka "balls", college, which I had just started, and Mountainview Assembly of God, the church I had given everything to, that **** all over me the moment I started college. Together, they pulled me, or threw me, out of the box into which I had put myself. I started finding my own style, forming my own opinions, and seeing my own worth.

Over 3 years went by. I was a new person. I finally looked in the mirror and knew I was… Jessi. I thought I was free.

But I was not.

I have always had one attribute which I have considered positive. One thing about me I was bound and determined not to change. Not in any way, not ever. That was my empathy. Caring about other people is a good thing, and I swore no matter how I changed I’d always care.

Some things we have to learn the hard way.

See, I’ve learned within the last year or so that other people’s issues are not only existent, they can have a huge effect on how they act and react to you. No matter how accommodating, understanding, nice, giving, or empathetic you are, they can still have bad reactions to you. Three of these reactions specifically I have learned to watch out for: Clinginess (aka "Oh my god you’re so great! I need you I need you I need you!!! Help, help help HELP!!!"), pity (aka "Wow, she’s such a P*ssy! I have no respect for that."), and use (aka "Wow, she’ll do anything for me! How can I use this to my advantage?"). I have learned that sometimes I have to pull my b*tch out.

I hate that. So much.

I know, I know I can be very idealistic. People are people no matter what. I see flaws now, though I don’t hold them against anyone – people are flawed. Still, it would be so nice if people would follow the Golden Rule, but they don’t. Again and again I have seen my care and concern used against me by people who simply don’t deserve it.

ANYway, moving on…

So I have decided that for the sake of my sanity, my self, and my children, I will only give my empathy to those who return theirs to me from now on. Everyone else will get a wall I have erected over the course of the last 4 years, guarded by a sentinel named b*tchy Jessi. She won’t push if they don’t, but she won’t care about their issues either.

See cuz guess what? I have issues too, and I need someone’s shoulder sometimes myself. It’s called real friendship, true care… the Golden Rule.

Thank-YOU for being a true friend. Here’s the key to the door in the Wall.

Thanks for reading my rant.

THANK YOU. You have no idea how much I personally needed that reminder today. I generally live by that philosophy too...but lost it somewhere.

no more.

Still, it would be so nice if people would follow the Golden Rule, but they don’t. Again and again I have seen my care and concern used against me by people who simply don’t deserve it.