Cop "how much did you have to drink today?"
me "I don't remember"

Nice gun, check out my AK-47.

Can I hold your gun?

I was speeding to get away from you.

Drinking? Yes, drunk? Probably.*

*This message is not intended to endorse or promote drunk driving, kids...call a cab, it is cheaper in the long run.

when getting a ticket for doing 120 mph in a 65 mph: but officer, my car only goes 85 mph- see the little gauge says so RIGHT HERE!!!! hee hee- he ONLY ticketed me for the 85, good thing he thought i was funny....

I know you said not to drive and drink...and now look I hit a bump and spilled my drink all over the place....

Great! you guys took away my license yesterday

And you want to see it now ?

officer: Miss do you realize how fast you were going?

Lady: Humm well you have the radar gun don't ya know?



Officer: Miss I will need to see your licenses please.

Lady: WELL I wish ya would make up your mind you just took them away 2 days ago and now you want to see them did you forget where you put them?

This story comes from a lady friend of my son's.

Driving rather fast, one hot summer's day.
Wearing a rather low cut top with support built in.
Officer pulls her over for speeding.
As officer approches, she leans over to the right to get registration & then sits back up.
Being upset about getting ANOTHER speeding ticket, already been warned by ins. company; 1 more & rates take a big jump.
Looks at officer, trying to think up a good story.
Officer IMMEDIATELY turns back & says, "Mam, would you mind covering yourself?"
Seems shoulder belt had caught her top & left 1 of her (rather ample) breasts exposed.
She is so upset, breaks down into bawling fit,trying to explain what happened.
Officer finally says, "Just slow down & let's forget the ticket. Please take a few minutes to calm down, before you start driving again."
Set behind her till she composed herself & drove slowly away.

Now she wants to always wear tops like that to get out of tickets.

What you hear from your kids friends.

Didnt I just see you speeding past me to go to the coffee shop?

LOOK OFFICER, I WANTED TO KEEP GOING STRAIGHT DOWN THIS ROAD , BUT THE SIGN SAID " NO U-TURN "

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in...

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer..

I was just trying to keep up with traffic... Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!

Aren't you that guy from the Village People?


Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.


You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

one i used.....sorry officer.. its just exciting picking up speed fast..i guess you may not know unless you ever drove a fast car..... wait a minute.. im sure you do know!! everytime you turn on your blue lights hence he smiled and i didnt get a ticket im sure an azz cop would of gave me one though maybe even larger than normal

AFTER GETTING A TICKET FOR DOING 110MPH......" YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT, THAT WASN'T THE SPEED LIMIT SIGN I SAW BACK THERE?

If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?


No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.


No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.


Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.


Want to race to the station, Sparky?


I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!


On the way to the station let's get a six pack.

AS THE OFFICER STANDS BESIDE THE DRIVERS SIDE WINDOW....." AAAHH OFFICER, YOUR FLY IS OPEN, BUT DON'T WORRY, EVERYTHING IN THERE IS TOO SMALL TO SEE"

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.



I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.


Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?


Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.