I woulnt mind painting the sky and fluffing the clouds. i wish that was my life, that was what the powers that be had put me in charge of. wouldnt it be amazing to wake and say, today i want to see pink and purple and orange and blue? and what shapes do i want the clouds to be?maybe smooth and trasparent, or maybe today im a bit tired so ill make them soft and inviting. if i could use the world as my canvas and paint it the way i would like to see it,then wouldnt the world be a beautiful place?
last night i fell asleep with tears in my eyes and bile in my throat. last night i fell asleep wondering why i couldnt just leave and stay gone, cause who would it matter to anyway. i fell asleep wondering why my health and happiness should matter more to people i barely met than to people who i grew up with and people who i have poured my heart out to. i woke up wishing i could paint the world the way i wanted to see it, and i realize now that seems to be the problem of my life. i cant just accept things as they are, but rather i see them as i think they should be, as i want them to be.
reality is what you percieve and what you choose to accept right?only its not because it has a habit of choosing what it wants to be anyway.
i sit here pouring my heart out to a screen. typing out words that i hope give justice to my emotions. but i keep asking myself what it even matters anyway.
i could type out a buntch of whining crap. i could share whats going on in my life with people who are either spying on me or are ennamored with my words, but i dont see what good that will do.
ill just say that i really wish that for once in my life i wish people would see that i hate who i am, that i hate what i am and if i could give up everything to just be able to go back and see things the way everyone else does i would. i wish that people would look at me and stop seeing what the want to see and see what is really there.
i dont want pity. im not trying to be to selfish. or immature. im trying to make the best of my life. and i wish the people i love would see that

dang i'm to old