I'm sorry I need to rant to someone.

They say once you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. This isn't true, I found ways to break through the rocky underground and keep chipping my way through the stone, going further and further down towards the center of the earth. Eventually I will either start climbing back up, or I will get close enough to the center that gravity will flatten me. Every time I climb up a little bit, I fall down and crack the rock below me getting closer the center. Gravity is starting to take it toll on me. In this past year, I have lost my wife, I have been homeless, lost my license, am probably losing my cat whom I love very much. Then I get grades back today, C- in a class I tried in, and got A's on everything returned to me, it doesn't compute. If I can't do this **** when I try then what is the ****ing point? I emailed my professor asking for an explanation, if I don't get a very good one then I quit. I am done with school, if I am not smart enough to pass that class with a better grade than that, then **** it there is no point, I might as well move to alaska and become a fisherman. I give up, I can't handle the disappointment of trying and failing because that is all that seems to happen. I tried with my marriage, I failed, I tried to work hard and be a good citizen, I failed, I tried to be a good friend to my cat, I have failed, and the one time I tried to be a good student, I failed I am too stupid, you can't fail if you never try. Dreams are meant to be shattered and hope is meant for the hopeless. My only chance is to give up on it all and just go through life like everyone else, consuming the **** they do, eating what I want, drinking when and what I want, doing what I want even if it screws over someone else and just working for more stuff.

Virtues take you no where, back handed actions, lying with smiles, and going against what you think is right will take you where ever you want to go.

HUGS AND JELLO JT

Awww JT! That stuff MIGHT get you ahead for the moment, but that isn't a way to live ones life and I think you know that friend. You hang in there. I've wondered about you.

Believe me when I say that I know what you mean.....But please don't give up. I was at rock bottom a year and a half ago, and did something really stupid. I almost let myself get squished, as you say. But I looked around at the people who care about me and who need me and decided that I wasn't going to give in.

Right now most things in my life are going well, I say most because I have a big problem going on but I can deal with because I have talked to people and see that people still care even though I have failed in this area.

Just don't give up.