I have been single for 5 years. I have been on 1 date.

I thought I was ready to start another relationship but during the date
I realized I wasn't. The thoughts of my past relationship came back to
me. The thought of having someone telling me, "you need to do something
with that part of your hair" , because it wasnt in the right place? give
me a break, "why are you dressed up?" instead of saying "You look nice",
"you need to iron that!" even though I wasnt going anywhere!

I changed for him, being something I wasn't, to be someone he would be
PROUD of, I lost MYSELF. I lost my friends focusing on what he wanted,
trying to feel more loved!! Trying to make him happy. Doing everything
he wanted out of me, because I loved him so much. Him standing in the
kitchen, me in the living room, saying baby get me some tea. I said you
are right by the fridge. Him saying "If you love me you will". OMG!!

I had times he would come home LATE, in the A.M. hours, wanting to know
why I was mad. Saying his dog treated him better. That when he would
come home, no matter what time, she was happy to see him.
OMG...I am not a dog. Was he trying to make a future with a dog? Was he
raising kids with a dog? I lost all self esteem. Comparing me to a DOG?
What else?

Physical abuse. He would come home drunk. I would ask where he had been,
caught him in several lies, but gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Sometimes he was quiet, other times I would have a pillow in my face, be
thrown against a wall, pulled across the floor, thrown into a wall, shot
at, have a knife put in my face, spitting in my face numerous amount of
times. Punched in the back of the head while I was feeding our 8 day old
son.

One day, I found a friend, after wanting a job and him saying none were
good enough, he didn't want me working although he said he did. He
didn't want me to find strength. He wanted me to think he was the
greatest. I found Cynthia. I was working at the YMCA nursery. The only
job he would let me have since the nursery only usually consisted of
women bringing their children. He didn't want me around men. Not that he
couldn't trust me. I have never cheated on anyone. But because he knew
eventually I would realize life wasn't good like he lead me to believe.
I knew it wasn't but I was in denial. I wanted love from him so much
that I cried all the time. I use to be so STRONG! What lead me to be so
weak?

Well Cynthia...My angel, once I knew I could trust her with what was
going on with my life, I told her what was going on. She said things to
me I knew. But didn't want to mentally face. I did not deserve this. She
brought my strength back. She brought TOI back. I felt so good.

During my relationship with him, I went from 200 to 155 pounds. I am 6'1
so I was SOOO small. I looked sick.

When I started getting my mental strength back, I started gaining
weight. IT WAS GREAT...yes it was. I felt like me again. He wasn't sure
what to think, my kids dad. He thought I was cheating on him. I stopped
wondering where he was, where he had been etc....he started coming home
early. He started calling if he was going to be late...etc. It felt
good. But I knew I had to get out. This was only for a short time he
would act this way. When I would slightly let myself get to thinking
this is great, the man I have always wanted. There it was again.

I realized he would never change. He wasn't like this when I met him,
only when he new I loved him.

So I had to go, it took another 2 years to actually leave him and it
didn't go well, for a year I had to endure threats. I will kill you if I
see you with anyone else. Stalking me all the time..etc. The only
contact besides Cynthia, was Daryl. One of his friends. He saw what was
going on, he new I didn't deserve the way my kids dad was treating me.
He would let me know when the close was clear so that I could get my
stuff from my kids dad house after I left him. When he found out what
was going on. He came to my house and told me in so many ways he had
killed Daryl. But he didn't, he just tried to scare me back to him,
thinking he was going to kill me if I didn't go back with him. I
pretended to scratch my foot, my purse right below my foot, with cell
phone inside and dialed, hoping it would go through, the police. And
screamed to my kids dad, that nothing was going on. That at "saying my
address at the time" out loud they would hear it and send someone during
this time I thought I and my roommates were about to be killed, thinking
he had just killed his friend. He wouldn't let me go to the bathroom,
said "pee on yourself", sat in my room whispering things he was fixing
to do. Kill my friends, Wanted me to take him to hide the body, then I
would be next. Crying out of control, in the stormy weather outside, I
saw the blue lights, him thinking it was lightning, I begged him to go
to the bathroom. He let me go only under his watchful eye. I darted to
the front door. Where the police stood. Thanking God for that. They just
made him leave and told me to let him use MY raincoat.
Thinking finally he was gone, within 30 minutes he was back. Scared I
woke my kids, knowing he would not do anything with them there.

Several months pass, with the feeling of death at my door. He shows up
one night and cries for 12 hours by my bed side, wanting to die. Finally
letting me go. Apologizing for everything, telling me that he took me
for granted, I didn't deserve anything he had done to me, I was the best
thing that ever happened to him. That he didn't like failure, that he
had failed at being a good man. It was finally over. It was. He left me
alone after that. I was FREE!!!

Not that during the five years since that night of accepting that he
failed. I haven't had to deal with issues with him. I have not felt as
if death was at my door anymore. The life in me has come back and I am
now the person I was before and stronger than ever.

I am so independant now than I have ever been and being single is lonely
sometimes, but the thought of being in a CAGE of a relationship will be
with me forever. I would love to find someone that thinks asking where
you are going, is just a question, and respectful I should know, as he
should if he asked, would be great. That my clothes, if not ironed,
because I am going to sit in for the day, isn't a sin, would be great.
That LOVE doesnt HURT..that trust is earned, not given. That would be
great.
For someone to LOVE my kids as I do, would be great. But deep down, I
don't believe that will ever happen. I would love having someone to hold
me, kiss me....to say I love you and mean it would be great. Someone to
pamper me when I am sick or because I had a bad day. Would be awesome!!
As I would do the same.

Single, I am. Lonely, at times. Scared of a realtionship, everyday. I
just want to be loved. Possible..? Not sure.

Thanks for reading.

Single and free.

Toi

Thanks for sharing, and Im so glad you were able to get out of that
HELL.

Now its time to forget the past and start anew.
Dont let the bad from the past stop you from a better place you can
have, if you let it.

I try not to let it...
But I am not going to lie and say it doesn't haunt me.
Kind of like a bad car wreck. I was a passenger of one in 1987, head on
collision, and I can't drive at night without swerving if I think
someone is coming in my lane. Not a bad swerve just a slight one.
But still that is what it does to me. I think I am ready and then..in
the back of my mind It hits me with fear. I am a strong person I think,
but things like that stay with you forever, no matter how hard you try
to let it go.
It is going to have to be a strong man, mentally and emotionally to come
into my life, I hate to sound HORRIBLE, just that I will have such fear
that he will be tested, not meaning to, just a reaction I guess, kinda
like the swerving I do when I drive.

Wow 2tall,
Sure is easy to understand why you would so cautious. You found one
person to trust. With each person you meed and call friend, with each
friend you trust, you become more able to give and receive, to allow the
give and take. Keep finding those you can trust, they will be your
support and your life line in times of trouble. They will also be your
comfort and your strength when you finally find that one right person to
risk giving your heart to. Thanks for your honesty, good luck!

Thanks RED...
I have 3 REAL friends right now..all women, in my life right now.
I have TWO online a male and female, I can tell anything to.
It is hard to find new friends that I can trust, me being a single mom,
I rarely get to get out as it is and to find NEW friends is almost if
not always impossible. So finding the RIGHT GUY to give my heart to will
be a MIRACLE!!

Miricles happen every day, I know that from experience.
It's good to have you on board, maybe you'll find some new friends here
too.

You bet, Im your friend, just drop me line, and Im a single parent to
boot, but they are 22 and 19 now, but Ive been there and know how
difficult it can be sometimes, but worth every minute of it.

It will get better, just wait and see.

Your always gonna remember that situation. Thats the sadest part of it.
No one should have to go through that type of ordeal.
Just don't let it close your heart....Please! Take it from someone who
did for the past few years.

Thank you!!
I hope to find more great friends...
Other than the 5 I have

HI 2tall, I know what you mean... I've gone through a very bad
experience, too. Been single for over 20 yrs..... fear? I don't know...
lonely?... at times... However, independent and happy many times!!!!

Tue 03/06/07 08:39 PM
HI 2tall, I know what you mean... I've gone through a very bad
experience, too. Been single for over 20 yrs..... fear? I don't know...
lonely?... at times... However, independent and happy many times!!!!

Ocean,
You knowing what I have gone through is horrible and understanding at
the same time. Knowing there are many women out there going through the
same thing is HORRIBLE.
Thinking of being alone for 20 years..that is something that may happen
to me...although i PRAY I doesn't. I know by being independent and happy
is GREAT!!! don't get me wrong, but being without someone to love for
that long is scary in itself. Right now I have my kids, 3 girls and my
son, he is the youngest helps RIGHT NOW!! they keep me busy enough, but
having to be alone after they grow up and start there own life, I don't
know, I think part of me would GO CRAZY!!!
It is great that you are so strong. I pray I will be, right now I am
....
Although i miss someone to hold, kiss and cuddle with.
Or just have an ADULT to talk to

hi new here.. not sure if its my place to say anything.. so i will leave
it at this..

sometimes you have to let go who you were... to...
become who you will be..

kisses

Thank you red for your comment.
That is so true.
I feel like I have let go of who I was during that time, and become a
new, but as in growing up, you are taught right from wrong, good from
bad, etc...so if you do or say something wrong, it hits you in the
gut(guilt).
So, when I talk to guys, just TALK, this is sad, but true, when they say
something that even reminds me of something my ex put me through I feel
it in my gut, it hits hard. I don't always respond with anger,well never
really, unless it is something like WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO STAY HOME AND
COOK/CLEAN/and please the man when he needs, other than that...I keep
comments to myself. I don't meet a guy to compare him to my ex or see
if he is the same type person, but you know when you experience
something in life, that was meaningful or tramatizing, you remember
those things when it something that reminds you of it.
I am new here also....it is great so far...

You're both right. My children are grown and it is difficult feeling so
lonely... I've filled my life with work since I haven't found anything
better out there, but that's not the best thing... years go by and you
feel the need of somebody to be there for you and you to be there for
him.