These are the first few pages of my novel. It's a human-interest/romance novel about two girls, named Cathy and Tanya. It heavily involved with horses too (once it gets underway).

This is just the first few pages of the first chapter. The intent here is just to introduce Cathy's family. The book is mostly about Cathy, but Tanya is a secondary story.

Please critique this. I'm not seeking a pat on the back. If is sucks please feel free to say so (especially if you can tell me what you hate about it )

If you only read a couple paragraphs and can't even get into it I'd appreciate knowing that too, just post, "Couldn't get into it". You don't need to say why unless you want to.

Of course if you like it don't be afraid to say that either.

I'm seriously not seeking a pat on the back here. If it sucks I want to know it!!!

Please note that nothing major happens in these pages. It's just an intro to the characters, nothing has happened yet at this point. Things are going to start happening pretty soon, but not in these few pages yet.

If these were the first few pages of a human-interest story would you keep find this lead into the first chapter interesting enough to keep you going on to the next page?


Chapter One - Greetings


Silence is broken only by the murmuring drone of the engine of the 1955 Buick Roadmaster. Stan sits at the wheel of his brand new car. The speedometer needle pointing steadily at 60 mph. He removes one hand from the wheel and jiggles his arm causing the sleeve of his suit coat to slide down revealing his wristwatch. He glances at the time, it's about 9:12 AM. He looks at the clock on the dash of his new car and smiles as he sees the hands pointing to the same places on its dial.

Dorothy, his wife, looks over at him. "Is it right dear?", she asks. Her voice breaking a long period of almost meditative silence.

"It's right on the dot, Dot.", Stan quips as he uses Dorothy's nickname as a pun.

The chatter coming from the front seat, as brief as it was, brings the two girls who are sitting in the rear seat, out of their dreamlike states. This is the second day of their road trip and they have been on the road since early morning. All of the windows of the car are closed tight even though it's a warm and sunny spring day. The ride is so smooth that if it wasn't for the passing scenery it would be almost impossible to tell that the car is moving.

Tanya is the first to open her window. The rushing sound of air instantly fills everyone's ears as Tanya holds her power window button down and the window sinks into the door.

Stan feels the warm breeze flowing across his neck from the open window behind him and realizes that he too should have his window open. He reaches for his power window button and presses it watching the window glide effortlessly down its fresh felt tracks.

Cathy had previously been watching the farmland pass by through the glass of her window almost in a hypnotic trance. It had be much colder early, and several miles back, and this is why the windows were closed. But now with the warmer air Cathy too enjoys operating a brand new power window. The heavy glass descends silently into the door as turbulent gusts of air rush in to fill her nostrils. The fragrance of freshly tilled farmland laced with a bouquet of scents from meadow flora is adulterated only slightly by the pungent aroma of the new car scent

Dorothy adjusts her large bonnet as the car fills with turbulent air. She too opens her window, but only a crack. She enjoys the fresh air, but not the squalls. The fragile lace on her eloquent pink dress flutters softly in the gentle draft. You'd think she was going to an Easter Day parade dressed so formally. She stretches slightly in the confines of the car, then turns to sit at a angle with her back against her door. She looks back at Tanya, her eldest daughter, who is sitting directly behind Stan. "Not too much longer dear", Dot promises Tanya with a smile, and then glances down at Tanya's short shorts. Dorothy doesn't approve of Tanya's attire, but she doesn't dare say a word because Tanya is not happy being on this trip.

"I have one", Stan proclaims. "It's Vegetable", he says as he peers into the review mirror at the girls in the back seat. His eyes are bright as he jiggles his thick dark eyebrows as though taunting that he's onto something clever.
"Does it taste good?", Dot asks as she reaches back to close the slight opening she had in her window.

"Ah,... no", Stan replies with a smile.

"Is it edible?", Tanya asks from the back seat. Her tone nonchalant as she takes a compact from her purse to check her appearance. She looks into the mirror at her large brown eyes. Eyes that are heavily outlined, not gaudy, but pristine. An amount of makeup that borders on being too much, but is actually the perfect amount to ignite any man's libido. Tanya is twenty years old. Twenty-one actually, but not officially for at least two more months. Still looking at her own face in the compact mirror she briefly imagines herself as a movie star standing on a stage with cheering fans applauding her. She moistens her deep red lips with her glistening tongue, then puckers and kisses toward her own image in the mirror. Finally she gives herself a wink with her sexually tantalizing eye before snapping the compact closed and dropping it back into her purse.

Stan leaves out a noticeable sigh, almost soundly like he has been defeated, "No, it's not edible"

"See mom. That's how you can narrow things down real quick", Tanya snaps at her mother.

"I know how to play the game dear", Dorothy assures her oldest daughter.

Cathy has been listening to the conversation going on between her parents and older sister, but the meandering meadows have held her gaze captive. She's particular fond of watching the inhabitants. This is horse country and she has been noticing all the different breeds of horses. She doesn't own a camera, but if she had one the shutter would be fluttering like a butterfly on moonshine. Much like her light flaxen hair is currently waffling in the wind.

"Cathy, don't you have a question?", Dorothy asks as she turns in her seat to get a better look at her younger daughter sitting directly behind her.

"Is it made of wood?", Cathy asks, only momentarily glancing at her father before returning her gaze to the fields as she awaits his reply.

"Oh you guys are too good", Stan replies as he confesses that the object he's thinking of is made of wood.

"Is it a jewelry box?", Tanya blurts out.

"No", Stan asserts as he slows down the Buick in preparation to stop.

"You're using up all the questions by guessing Tanya", Dot suggests.

"Guesses don't count as questions mom", Tanya snaps back as she shakes her head giving her mother a disgusting look.

"Is it big or small dear", Dorothy asks her husband.

"Hmmm? I'm not sure. Kind of in-between I guess", he replies with uncertainty.

"Can you hold it in your hand?", Tanya asks as she unwraps a piece of bubble gum and unfolds the little paper cartoon that came with it. She then tosses the wrapper out her wide-open window.

"Tanya! Don't throw things out the window", Dorothy retorts in a pleasant but chastising voice.

"It was just a piece of paper mom", Tanya barks back with impudence.

The car comes to a full stop as a farmer leads a team of four large Clydesdales across the road in front of the glisteningly new Roadmaster. The sounds of hooves clattering against the pavement fills the air as Cathy sticks her head out the window to get a better look at the massive but graceful beasts.

"Those look like grandma's horses", Dorothy comments.

"They are the same breed mom. They're Clydesdales", Cathy informs her mother. Cathy may only be twelve years old, but she knows quite a bit about horses. This isn't the first time she's been to her grandmother's horse farm. It isn't often that they make the trip as they live many miles away in a large city. They don't come to visit Dorothy's mother nearly as much as Cathy would like. Only once a year. Maybe twice if she's lucky.

The car smoothly accelerates again, almost like a boat on a glass-smooth lake. The new Roadmaster and the newly paved highway combine to make the ride seem more like riding on a magic carpet than riding in a car. As they begin to pickup speed an oncoming tractor trailer whizzes by very close. It had swerved over toward their lane and passes them only inches away. The sound of the passing semi is almost deafening as it instantly fills the car with a huge blast of air and sound, almost as if a bomb had exploded.

"Oh Dear God! What was that?", Dorothy shouts in the aftermath of the gust as she grasps her large bonnet.

"It was a truck mom", Tanya sneers as she makes yet another disgusting face at her mother as if to indicate that her mother should have known what it was.

"I know that dear. But why did it sound so terrible?", Dot clarifies her query.

Stan proclaims, "The idiot swerved over into my lane!" He then grumbles obscenities as he peers into his side-view mirror at the vanishing truck.

Cathy wasn't affected so much by the passing truck as she was on the far side of the car with her window fully open. Her attention still immersed in the sea of pastures that continue to roll by almost as if they are the pages of a surreal fairytale being magically turned before her eyes.

Tanya blows a small bubble with her bubble gum, and then begins chewing it loudly as she repeats the question she had asked some time ago, "Can you hold it in your hand?"

"Can I hold what in my hand dear?", Dot asks her daughter in a pleasing motherly tone sincerely interesting in trying to understand what her daughter is asking.

"I'm asking Stan mom. Can you hold it in your hand?", she repeats her question to her dad. Actually Stan is Tanya's step-father. Tanya is Dorothy's child, and she's quite a bit older than Cathy. Although, she's still a bit immature for her age, at least in terms of responsibility, though she does have a fair amount of street smarts.

"Ah,... yeah,.... two hands", Stan replies as he settles back into the game while checking the speed reading on the speedometer of his brand new car.

"Is it heavy", Dorothy asks as she realizes that they never finished guessing the object. The blast of the closely passing truck had distracted her from the game.

"No. It's fairly light", Stan reveals.

Tanya reports, "Ok, so far we have,... It's make of wood, it's medium size, it fits in two hands but it's not heavy, and it's not a jewelry box:"

"A toolbox!", Cathy shouts out of the blue.

Stan shakes his head, "Nope, it's not a toolbox either".

"That was a good guess", Dorothy praises her youngest girl.

"I just saw a farmer carrying a large wooden toolbox", Cathy explains as she points back toward a farm they had just passed.

"Is it a tool?", Tanya asks, just before she blows a larger bubble with her bubble gum. The bubble pops and the gum hangs from the tip of her nose. Cathy hears the bubble pop and turns to see the gum on her sister's pretty face. She breaks into a giggle. Stan looks into the rear view mirror to see why the girls are giggling and notices the gum on Tanya's face.

"Don't get any of that gum on the interior of my new car!", he yells in a stern voice as if it's an emergency to obey his command immediately.

"I'm not going to get any gum on your brand new car", Tanya snaps back.. Then she reaches into her purse and takes out a tube of lip stick and draws a large bold red X on the back of Stan's seat in total defiance of his concern. Dorothy doesn't notice the prank, but Cathy can't help but see the devilish deed. Cathy looks at Tanya with a look of disbelief. Her mouth drops open in silence as Cathy is not the kind of person to tattle-tale. She knows that what Tanya did isn't right, but she also doesn't want to be the one to start trouble by reporting the nasty act to her father.

"Bazooka Joe?", Tanya asks Cathy as she holds out the little cartoon that came with her bubble gum .

Cathy accepts the cartoon as she looks at Tanya with disapproval.

"I think I'll get the heart locket", Tanya tells Cathy as she tosses her head back to throw her long dark hair over her shoulder.

Cathy looks at the advertisement for the heart locket on the Bazooka Joe cartoon. "It's pretty", she agrees.

"So is it a tool Stan?" Dot repeats Tanya's question.

"Well,... not really?", he explains with some hesitation.

"You don't sound real sure", Dot suggests to her husband.

"Ok, it's not a tool. At least not the kind of tool you do work with", Stan explains as he slows down once again to negotiate a clover-leaf as they change onto another highway. The sun changes direction in the sky and Dorothy pulls down her sun visor as does Stan.

"It's a toy!", Tanya blurts out.

"Well, you can buy a toy one, but I'm thinking of a real one", Stan reveals as he accelerates up to speed on the new highway. A couple tractor trailer trucks whiz by the new Buick before it gets up to speed.

Tanya updates the game again, "It's made of wood, held in two hands, of medium size, lightweight, it's not a jewelry box, it's not a toolbox, it's not a tool, and it's not a toy. Ok, is it a box of any kind, like a breadbox, or a toy box?"

"No, it's not a box", Stan says as he presses down on the accelerator and begins to pass a car. The engine of the massive Roadmaster hums louder as the speedometer needle moves up to point to 80 MPH.

"Stan! Do you have to drive this fast? You're scaring me", Dorothy pleads as she braces her feet against the floorboards and her arms against the dash.

"I just want to get by this guy quick before something comes over that knoll", Stan replies. No sooner does he finish his sentence than a large tractor trailer looms from the knoll ahead of them heading straight toward them. They are side-by-side with the car they are passing. Stan slams the gas pedal to the floor as the speedometer needle rises, 85, 90, 95, 100! He pulls forward passing the other car just barely swerving back into his own lane as the oncoming semi whizzes by blasting its air horns to let Stan know that his driving isn't appreciated.

"Oh dear God!", Dorothy screams as she slumps from her defensive poster into an emotionally exhausted poise. Her heart beating frantically.

"I give up! What is it?", Tanya says as she continues to blow more bubbles with her bubble gum.

"We almost had an accident! And you're still playing the stupid game!", Dot screams at her daughter in a state of emotional angst.

"It wasn't that close mom", Tanya corrects her mother as she blows another bubble.

"This car sure has power! No wonder they call it the Roadmaster.", Stan comments as he takes a deep breath puffing out his chest with pride in the performance of his new car.

"Power to get us all killed!", Dorothy yells at her husband.
This is something Dorothy doesn't do very often as she's typically quite meek and submissive to her husbands stance on almost everything. But this time she felt threatened and felt that her daughters had been placed in jeopardy as well. If anything can bring out her dominant nature a threat to harm her daughters will certainly fit the bill.

The Roadmaster slows down once again as Stan turns off the major highway and then proclaims, "We're on the last leg of the trip. Only a few more minutes and we'll be there"

As they start down a lesser-traveled highway Cathy notices that the farms are less ritzy. The horses are smaller, and less showy. As they pass a farm she notices a violin hanging on a clothes line. Then she realizes that it's made of wood, needs two-hands to be played, it's lightweight, it's not a tool or a toy, but a musical instrument. She turns to her father and calmly asks, "Is it a violin?"

A huge smile grows on Stan's face, "Man you're close! But that's not it"

"What could it be?", Dorothy asks, a she has calmed down a bit from their close call on the pervious highway.

"It's a guitar!", Tanya shouts, sounding as though she had guessed the object correctly .

"That's it! Man you girls are smart!", Stan congratulates, as he confirms that the object has been guessed.

"I got it!", Tanya brags as she blows another bubble.

"Ok, I have one now", Dorothy offers.

"So what is it?", Tanya asks.

"Well, I'm not going to tell you", Dot replies, "You're supposed to guess".

"No, I mean, is it animal, vegetable, or mineral", Tanya queries.

"Oh. It's an animal", Dot reveals.

"Is it a horse?", Cathy asks almost out of pure curiosity more than for the sake of playing the game.

"Oh you're too good! You got it right away!", Dorothy exclaims to Cathy with a sound of disbelief.

"Oh come on mom! We've been passing horse farms all day long!" Tanya shouts, then she gives her mother another disgusting look indicating that she thinks her mother isn't very bright.

"We're here", Stan announces as he pulls into the long private lane of a fairly large horse farm.

I thought there was gonna be lesbians

Could use more about the car :D Shouldn't "mom" be capitalized?

No, no, no, they're sisters.

And they are quite young.

This is actually PG material (or even GA), at least at this point.

There are actually a few x-rated scene in the finished novel. But they are rare and heterosexual.

It's a human-interest story about "Innocent Love".

Maybe it's too innocent for today's world.

It could almost be a Walt Disney tale, except there are some sexually explicit scenes in it. Quite vulgar in the beginning (abusive and demented sex), but then it ends with loving sex (innocent love).

I'm giving it away now.

But that doesn't matter I just want to know if anyone would even bother reading beyond these first few pages or have they already tossed the book in the trash can.

Great read! more more more. Shouldn't you be writing now James

I don't know about mom being capitalized? Good question.

More vivid descriptions of the car? Actually in the very next scene (still in this first chapter) he's going to show off his new car to some people I'll have quite a vivid descrition of it then. By chapter six the car will be totalled anyway.

But yes, I have five chapters to show off Stan's new Buick before it gets totalled.

But what about the rest of the read? Was it "readable" with no major objections or confusion?

Patience patience.

I'm still trying to figure out whether it's even worth continuing or whether I should just scrap it and become a human bard in a town cafe playing sultry blues.

I'm pretty sure "mom" would be considered a proper noun, so it would be capitalized.

Total the Buick? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

One thing about the car is that I did kind of want to mention the chrome metal frames that were around the windows in those days. But I wasn't sure how to squeak that in here without sounding to akward.

Originally I wanted to write this as a screenplay and see it made into a movie. Then for some stupid reason I decided to try to write I as a novel. I'm really excited about the whole story in generally. Lots of stuff going on in the overall novel. It's a story about the two girls as the grow over a 6 year period. It's maingly about Cathy coming to age (from 12 to 18). Her sister goes from 20 to 26.

They both have love stories involved so there are two young men who grow from youth to manhood. Todd (14 to 20) and Jon (19 to 25).

There are also five special horses that become characters in thier own right.

I love the actual story. But I'm not sure if I'm a worthy writer for it.

I know!

I was thinking the same thing. If they actually make this into a movie are they going to need to total a beautiful antique Roadmaster?

Or would they do that with computer animation?

Abra I enjoyed it very much. You are good, please keep writing. You kept my attention throughout the reading. Yes I am waiting for the next page. I felt as if I were riding in the car playing the guessing game with them, looking out the windows at the country side.

I forgot about the advertisements on bazooka joe comics. Damn I'm getting old.

Very good! You have talent.

I got a good feel for the family dynamics, which is important for the beginning of the book, particularly the indifference of Tanya. The bonnet threw me for a minute, because it makes it sound older. I think of bonnet and I think Little House on the Prarie and then I was thinking they had power windows. I had to read back to see what year the car was-I don't remember power windows when I was younger. This car must have been pretty fancy for the time.

Your descriptions were great and I would definately read more. What a great beginning. Good luck.

i think it is very well written. i can not wait to read the whole thing. thanks for sharing




blue

Instead of adding something about the chrome window moulding, how about writing something about the chrome port-holes on the fenders?

I don't think they'd destroy one of those cars if made into a movie. I'd imagine they'd either use CGI or change it so they can use a car that wouldn't bring them as much hate mail.

Thanks to everyone who has responded thus far. Such positive reviews are definitely encouraging. Sometimes I feel like just scraping the whole thing and confessing to myself that I'm silly to think that I could write a novel. But when I read positive reviews it makes me feel that maybe it's not so bad after all.



Your words are very encouraging and definitely inspire me to get back to the pen so-to-speak. I'm really glad to here that you were drawn into the scene and felt like you were there. That was certainly one of the goals I was hoping to achieve. I'm trying to be as invisible as possible as the author. I wanted to write more details about what Cathy was seeing as she looked out her window, but at the same time I didn't want this first scene to turn into a chapter in its own right. In fact, I almost started the book at grandma's farm. I chose to back up and bit and start with the ride to grandma's house as a lead-in introduction to Cathy's family. (Cathy is the "star" character of the story). But Tanya is certainly the second most important character.

You're not alone in having forgotten about the advertisement on the Bazooka Joe comics. I remembered the comic but forgot the advertisements myself. When I was writing I just wanted to have Tanya chewing gum to give her an 'immature' flavor. Then I decided to use something 50ish so I made it into Bazooka Joe bubble gum. And then I actually went and looked up a Bazooka Joe comic on the web. I felt that just seeing one again might help to inspire my writing and description. That's when I realized that they had those little ads on them. I remembered them immediately when I saw the picture of it.

So then I milked the gum for all it was worth. Having Tanya toss the wrapper out her window sparking an interaction from her dad. Sharing the comic with Cathy and showing her interest in trinket personal adornments. Then having her dad yell at her when the bubble gum is all over her pretty face.

Also, having her draw that big red X on the back of his seat came out of that. And act is about to be discovered by Stan whilst he's showing off his new car to other people.

The story is already taking on a life of it's own and I've only just begun to writer it.



Thank you for your generous comments. I honestly don't know what make me give Dorothy a "bonnet". I was thinking of a large showy one. Part of the reason I did it, I think, was to convey to the reader that the women isn't real smart. They're on long trip riding on the road and she's wearing a bonnet!

It's like I'm saying that this woman just wants to be a good mother to her daughter, wife to her husband, and daughter to her mother (Cathy's Grandmother). She's a really good-hearted decent person but has almost no pragmatic common sense at all. That's what the bonnet and the over-dressed pink dress are suppose to represent.

And yes, a 1955 Buick Roadmaster did have power windows as an option. But it would have been considered a very fancy option for the time. That's one reason why I wanted to really focus on pushing power window buttons to try to bring out the flavor that they were very special for 1955.



That's coming. You can hardly have a Buick Roadmaster without mentioning the chrome port-holes in the fenders. But they are external to the car and wouldn't fit well in this interior ride. Soon Stan will be showing off his new Roadmaster to people at grandma's farm. We'll get an external description of the car then. We might even lift the hood if I can find the time. I really don't want this to turn into a story about cars though.

In fact, we'll "meet" a another fairly new old car. A 1954 Oldsmobile convertible. That car will also play a bit of a role in these early chapters. It will be described along side the Buick and compared with it. Possibly giving the owners a chance to lift hoods to compare engines. So car buffs keep reading! Although in truth, I'm not planning on describing them in too much detail. After all I'm not writing about old cars. I'm writing about Cathy, her horses, and a fellow named Todd. All else is just fill.

1955 Buick Roadmaster

http://www.worth1000.com/web/media/180993/Buick-Jay_Lenos_Roadmaster_1955_1280x960_wallpaper_01.jpg

That was a good read. If I can get passed the first page and it holds my attention it's good.

Abra,,, I have read it twice since yesturday,, and each time I want more,, You have an incredible mind and I enjoy your work,,I do hope that one day I can add your Book (s) to my collection,,

What if Todd turns out to be a mechanic?????????