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| Topic: Frustrated With Needy Disabled Friend | |
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About a yr. ago we hired a very nice woman with a disability (MS)she is a lovely person at all counts. At the time she was being evicted from her apartment (4 months behind on her rent). We all helped her all we could (move to new place,money, food ect.)Its not even a year later.... and she is being evicted again,she constantly complains of no money or food . She is forever borrowing & crying about her situation.
I have tried to gently talk to her about getting help from social services...and she refuses as she thinks she will end up in a nursing facility because of her disability.She for the most part does well at her job..except she can manage to work only about 16 hrs a week. My boss will not let her go because he is worried about her.She is in debt with him. She tries to be independant and almost refuses her disability. We are all growing weary of helping her. any advice? |
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You must first be able to help yourself.She has come to the point that she relies on everyone for help.You will just have to tell her no more unless she can show she is willing to make an effort to handle things on her own.
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I am the first to step in and help someone when it is needed...but I experienced a situation like this not to long ago and I came to the conclusion that this person would not help herself because everyone was doing it for her...the hardest thing we had to do was to stop.....she has managed to get back on her feet and actually recovered very well...now remember we did not throw her to the wolfs, we just aided her in a different way...I hope that helps a little....
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very difficult situation. While I understand her stance I also can wholeheartedly feel for you. Very difficult .
i have never had this type of experience to lay down my solution I will think it through and write something later 
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You must first be able to help yourself.She has come to the point that she relies on everyone for help.You will just have to tell her no more unless she can show she is willing to make an effort to handle things on her own. Agree with that 100%. You are only feeding her c0-dependency by helping her out with money, food etc. There are times when we all need a little help, but one must put forth an effort to help themselves. |
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As a disable person,,, Well you are just going to have to either tell her to get lost or keep helping her???? No one can do it for you.... Good luck
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I don't know how it works where you live but I can speak from the experience of needing help and living in Alabama..about 2yrs ago I got an injury to my leg through no fault of my own or my mothers whom I live with..well..instead of them giving the in home help that I needed they basically said "Get your act together or she will be a ward of the state and you got 30 days to do it".So yeah I understand where she's coming from because those people have no compassion or sympathy for anyone or anything..She's right to be afraid because they'll do it..it happened to my aunt and uncle too.
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Everyone needs to forget about getting paid back.
No one likes to leave anyone in a lurch, but her resistance to get and accept assistance from anywhere other than all you people is going to have an effect on your work relationship and keep enabling her. There's already a lot of resentment and it's going to fester and come out. I hope your boss has been consulting with an attorney with regard to "what ifs" for this situation. This whole thing could turn into a lawsuit in a very short time. Perhaps contacting social services on her behalf is in order, and at least it would be a matter of record and you all know you have done what you can without continuing to open your wallets. I can't stand the thought of anyone being homeless and doing without, but this person will tap you all dry, and not just in the wallet! |
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You must first be able to help yourself.She has come to the point that she relies on everyone for help.You will just have to tell her no more unless she can show she is willing to make an effort to handle things on her own. From time to time we do tell her no..she will move from person to person asking for money... and she gets herself so upset she cries and says she feels sick.This is happening more &more as we get to know her. 
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I am the first to step in and help someone when it is needed...but I experienced a situation like this not to long ago and I came to the conclusion that this person would not help herself because everyone was doing it for her...the hardest thing we had to do was to stop.....she has managed to get back on her feet and actually recovered very well...now remember we did not throw her to the wolfs, we just aided her in a different way...I hope that helps a little.... We couldn't throw her to the wolves as she is a good person but... it's almost like she is manipulating us. |
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About a yr. ago we hired a very nice woman with a disability (MS)she is a lovely person at all counts. At the time she was being evicted from her apartment (4 months behind on her rent). We all helped her all we could (move to new place,money, food ect.)Its not even a year later.... and she is being evicted again,she constantly complains of no money or food . She is forever borrowing & crying about her situation. I have tried to gently talk to her about getting help from social services...and she refuses as she thinks she will end up in a nursing facility because of her disability.She for the most part does well at her job..except she can manage to work only about 16 hrs a week. My boss will not let her go because he is worried about her.She is in debt with him. She tries to be independant and almost refuses her disability. We are all growing weary of helping her. any advice? Help her help herself. Back away with the help a little, let her do things on her own, and be there for her when she needs you. You're a good friend, but let her help herself. |
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I have been down that route before and it was me that didn't have what I wanted,,, But I didn't ask for money I ask for something to eat and didn't bi*ch about what it was,,, I don't need cable tv or even a car I just wanted something to eat,,,LOL,,, Danny was hungry!!!!! I drank really bad back then and that is where the money would go,,, I would never ask for someone to get me drunk,,,, That was 19 year's ago that I stopped and have been doing great ever since....
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I don't know how it works where you live but I can speak from the experience of needing help and living in Alabama..about 2yrs ago I got an injury to my leg through no fault of my own or my mothers whom I live with..well..instead of them giving the in home help that I needed they basically said "Get your act together or she will be a ward of the state and you got 30 days to do it".So yeah I understand where she's coming from because those people have no compassion or sympathy for anyone or anything..She's right to be afraid because they'll do it..it happened to my aunt and uncle too. That is it..and we do not want that to happen to her... she won't even finish up with medical help because she don't want to be on experimental drugs...she maintains a vegan-organic diet (which she can barely afford) so we try to help but what she wants is costly ..and we're not rich either. |
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There are support groups for people with ms. Maybe contact NAMI or even County Mental Health. Your freind needs a hand up not a hand out.
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Everyone needs to forget about getting paid back. No one likes to leave anyone in a lurch, but her resistance to get and accept assistance from anywhere other than all you people is going to have an effect on your work relationship and keep enabling her. There's already a lot of resentment and it's going to fester and come out. I hope your boss has been consulting with an attorney with regard to "what ifs" for this situation. This whole thing could turn into a lawsuit in a very short time. Perhaps contacting social services on her behalf is in order, and at least it would be a matter of record and you all know you have done what you can without continuing to open your wallets. I can't stand the thought of anyone being homeless and doing without, but this person will tap you all dry, and not just in the wallet! I agree with you there...and I spoke to my boss as she also has mild siezures occaisssionally and I am worried she will hurt herself) but she told him it is under control) and he is not worried about a law suit there. (which he is an idiot..lol) |
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There are support groups for people with ms. Maybe contact NAMI or even County Mental Health. Your freind needs a hand up not a hand out. She won't allow it...I've talked to her it's almost like she don't accept that she has a disabillty ...she'll brake out crying and telling me what doctors do. |
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I have been down that route before and it was me that didn't have what I wanted,,, But I didn't ask for money I ask for something to eat and didn't bi*ch about what it was,,, I don't need cable tv or even a car I just wanted something to eat,,,LOL,,, Danny was hungry!!!!! I drank really bad back then and that is where the money would go,,, I would never ask for someone to get me drunk,,,, That was 19 year's ago that I stopped and have been doing great ever since.... Sad part is she has nothing, no t.v. or phone and she says when her food stamps run out each month she eats catfood. She asks for everything on a continuous basis including weed and cigarettes. She will come to work asking around for bus fare back home because she is so broke. |
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I don't know how it works where you live but I can speak from the experience of needing help and living in Alabama..about 2yrs ago I got an injury to my leg through no fault of my own or my mothers whom I live with..well..instead of them giving the in home help that I needed they basically said "Get your act together or she will be a ward of the state and you got 30 days to do it".So yeah I understand where she's coming from because those people have no compassion or sympathy for anyone or anything..She's right to be afraid because they'll do it..it happened to my aunt and uncle too. That is it..and we do not want that to happen to her... she won't even finish up with medical help because she don't want to be on experimental drugs...she maintains a vegan-organic diet (which she can barely afford) so we try to help but what she wants is costly ..and we're not rich either. Well I am open to trying any type of drug that the docs can find me because I have been in pain everyday for 29yrs and I'm sick of it..but they won't give me anything because they think its impossible to have had 30 surgeries and still be in pain. |
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Being disabled I can understand needing help and I am one of the lucky ones who have friends and family who can help when I need it, but never do I take advantage of it.
Now I have never come to the point of eating cat food, but if she is eating cat food and then wants weed, well I think there is something really wrong here, not to mention all the rest of this crap she is throwing at you. Yes, I said crap. She is playing all of you and although I do agree that social services are assholes and will mess with your life, she needs to learn to manage her own money and life and learn to do without the weed and cigarettes....... I know I know, that is easier said than done, but it can be done and she doesnt even want to deal with saving the money she needs or working the hours she needs to get by. This is totally wrong in all respects and I wish I had a good answer for you. I can only say what others say. Tough Love. If she ends up in the hands of social services, then maybe that is where she is supposed to be. If she cant take care of herself, then she needs to be taken care of, and that is not your responsibility. I hope this helps validate some of your feelings at the very least. I have delt with social services and if handled the right way, they can help in a lot of ways. |
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Edited by
Unknow
on
Sun 06/15/08 10:34 AM
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Being disabled I can understand needing help and I am one of the lucky ones who have friends and family who can help when I need it, but never do I take advantage of it. Now I have never come to the point of eating cat food, but if she is eating cat food and then wants weed, well I think there is something really wrong here, not to mention all the rest of this crap she is throwing at you. Yes, I said crap. She is playing all of you and although I do agree that social services are assholes and will mess with your life, she needs to learn to manage her own money and life and learn to do without the weed and cigarettes....... I know I know, that is easier said than done, but it can be done and she doesnt even want to deal and with saving the money she needs or working the hours she needs to get by. This is totally wrong in all respects and I wish I had a good answer for you. I can only say what others say. Tough Love. If she ends up in the hands of social services, then maybe that is where she is supposed to be. If she cant take care of herself, then she needs to be taken care of, and that is not your responsibility. I hope this helps validate some of your feelings at the very least. I have delt with social services and if handled the right way, they can help in a lot of ways. I totally agree It still feels bad though. Sometimes I see through the crap but can't do anything. Last week I let her make personal calls on company time to take care of things ..maybe 1/2hr she was on personals calls.Now friday she asked if she could do it again and I told her no because her job was incomplete...she carried on crying and saying she thought I was her friend it was important calls and continued to dis someone else in the room for personal calls. So I gave in and let her make her calls. I did go to a higher up but he just said okay. |
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