By Elina Furman

For years, it was the men who had the monopoly on commitment-phobia.
But what about commitment-phobic women? Yes, women! Raised to believe
that men are the commitment-shy gender, many women coast through life
completely oblivious about their own commitment anxiety—believing they
want a relationship yet systematically pushing away one perfectly
suitable candidate after another. Isn’t it high time we looked at
ourselves and admit that maybe, just maybe, we are the ones who have
become commitment-challenged? If you’re ready to finally face the truth,
go down the list of these common symptoms and see if any apply:

* - Once the excitement of first romance has passed, you get bored in
most of your relationships.
* - You have a habit of dating unavailable men (married, involved with
someone else, geographically or emotionally distant, etc.).
* - You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal
mate.
* - You consider your married friends’ relationships boring and feel
that many of them have settled for too little.
* - You cultivate larger networks of friends and acquaintances at the
expense of romantic relationships.
* - You date more than one man at a time to prevent becoming dependent.
* - You have a difficult time getting over past boyfriends.

By now, you probably have a better idea of where you stand on the
commitment meter. If you’re now thinking: “Yep, that’s me,” now what? Is
there any hope for getting over these issues? The answer to that is a
resounding yes! Here’s how:

Accept your uncertainty:
One of the biggest mistakes many of you make is thinking that any
uncertainty, however slight, is a sign that your relationship is doomed
to failure. You think, “If I’m so confused, that must mean something is
wrong with my relationship. Shouldn’t I just know if it’s right?” But
indecision and anxiety are a very normal part of making a commitment to
someone. If you weren’t a little uncertain, then you’d have something to
worry about! Face the fact that there’s never going to be a time when
you’re 100 percent certain of anything. So if you’re 80 percent sure
that the person you’re with will make a good partner, then that’s all
the certainty you’re ever going to get.

Just do it:
Once you’ve determined whether you’re 80 percent confident, it may be
time to take some good-old fashioned action. Be conscious, be
circumspect, and be careful, but take the leap. As with any phobia, we
often have to face what scares us the most in order to conquer our
fears. So it should come as no surprise that one of the best cures for
commitment anxiety is just to make a commitment. And if you make a
mistake? Well, so be it. After all, one of the ways we learn to trust
our instincts is through hindsight. In the end, following the 80 percent
rule will help you take calculated risks, not reckless ones.

Avoid the crystal ball:
If you’re on the brink of becoming exclusive, cohabiting, or getting
married to someone, it’s all too easy to panic and wonder, “But how will
I feel one year, five years, or ten years from now?” After all, people
change, right? How do you know you will feel exactly the same way five
years from now? The answer is: You don’t! No matter how tempting it is
to worry about the future of your relationship, you have to accept that
there is absolutely no guarantee that things will work out. Worrying
about the future is one way to avoid making a decision. No matter how
many psychics or astrologers you visit, no one can tell you what to do
with your life or what the future holds. In the end, the best thing you
can do is focus on the present. Ask yourself: “Am I getting what I want
out of the relationship at exactly this moment?” If the answer is yes
(or 80 percent yes), rest assured the prognosis is as good as it’s going
to get.

Quit nitpicking:
Okay, so men can sometimes act like dominating control freaks, but it’s
important to note how often we’re guilty of the same offense. Picking
fights, acting moody, and making your partner feel like he’s always
doing something wrong is a great way to get someone to break up with
you. In fact, that’s exactly what many of you do so you can get out of
the relationship or avoid commitment. Many of us commitment-phobes have
a perfectionist streak that makes us try to control every aspect of the
relationship. Unless our partner fits some preconceived mold, we feel we
can’t possibly commit to him. Whether it’s his sloppy ways or inability
to dress himself, it can be all too tempting to want to change him or
control the relationship. Of course, if you’re not ready to commit, no
one will ever be good enough for you. So either accept your partner for
who he is or leave the relationship altogether.

Make room
While it’s important to have a full life, many women overdo it. It may
be impressive that you have a gazillion friends and unique hobbies, but
if you don’t make room in your life for a committed relationship, don’t
be surprised if it keeps eluding you. Think of it like this: Once you
make room on a table and clear all the stuff away, something new is
bound to appear on it. This rule applies to everything. If you’re
obsessed with your pet, work 24/7, are absorbed with your children, or
are a clutter bug who’s embarrassed to bring people home, you probably
don’t have as much time or space for a committed relationship as you
think. So if you fit any of these categories, it may just be time to
clean up your act and make some physical, emotional, and psychological
room in your life.

Wow.... I think u just described me to a CAPITAL T. Thanks for the
article, it's nice to know, I'm not alone. I always say, I am a work in
progress attempting to improve in this area.

Sluggo ya did it again very good read yes alot of this applies to
differnt women not that all apply for I know at times I feel as if I'm
ready for commitment then at times I really wonder. But maybe that is
due to I have not found the one that is really ready for commitment
themselves.

I wish you would also post the one for Men who can't commit sure there
is one maybe if more men and women read these it would help all.

Thanks for the article it is a good one we should all think
about.

great article

YIKES! I won't admit to that! LOL YIKES again

YIKES!!! here too

are you talking about me?