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| Topic: This Poem is Called: As Lovers Meet | |
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Hi all, I'd really love your input on my writing good or bad. This is a poem that I really adore but, feel free to rip it apart if you feel the urge, haha.
Eye’s meet as lovers meet; as lips meet together for the first time. A choice made in haste. A lifetime made in a second of closed-eyed bliss. How wonderful to feel the world rock you to sleep, or awake. How perfect to be in his arms; to feel a caress through a glass of wine. To see the reflection of another’s heart in the shinny, designer shoes and shirt. All by chance, all for the moment, that the watch stopped and something magical was woven into real life. A love story for the storybooks. A tale for the children. For the mothers to gossip and the Daddy’s to cry. A little girl becomes a woman; giving herself completely to a man. |
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 nice
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call tina
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some nice expressions but it needs some work...
if you want to read some amazing poets read CCP and Sharris and Oya and slowhand and and and ......so many great poets if you want constructive feedback i think the metre...the rhythm is off somehow....ya got to keep the integrity of your poem(because it's beautiful) and play with the metre....
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o yea !! and d4tc....very cool read..
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I understand what you're saying- I intentionally "chopped" the flow. it's meant to help visualize those first lines "eye's meet and lovers meet"
I'm trying to find the words to describe it but, I think if you think of that Britt Spears commercial with her perfume (the tag line was "do you dare?"). It's meant to pop images into the mind, you have to read it on a flow, not on a line by line. This is by far my favorite I've ever written so I'll defend it, but I also appreciate your comments immensely. Thank you. |
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i liked it alot as well....just didn't get the cadence
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Edited by
MsWizard
on
Fri 05/16/08 09:16 AM
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Hi all, I'd really love your input on my writing good or bad. This is a poem that I really adore but, feel free to rip it apart if you feel the urge, haha. Eye’s meet as lovers meet; as lips meet together for the first time. A choice made in haste. A lifetime made in a second of closed-eyed bliss. How wonderful to feel the world rock you to sleep, or awake. How perfect to be in his arms; to feel a caress through a glass of wine. To see the reflection of another’s heart in the shinny, designer shoes and shirt. All by chance, all for the moment, that the watch stopped and something magical was woven into real life. A love story for the storybooks. A tale for the children. For the mothers to gossip and the Daddy’s to cry. A little girl becomes a woman; giving herself completely to a man. I'm going to go with Enigma...it's a bit too choppy to get interest. Each individual line is a good line, but its as though this was pieced together with many individual lines. By the way, never "defend" your work. We write to please ourselves...after all, if WE'RE happy, or not happy with our work, that's really the important thing. We have to be ourselves satisfied yes? Keep writing...
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o yea !! and d4tc....very cool read.. Awwww!  TY! IrrelevantEnigma Good write Luna! I liked it. I know what the others are saying and they are giving constructive advice. Don't take it negatively. Keep writing the way YOU write. Everyone here has their own style. I can see you got talent. So, keep the pen flowing!   |
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Each person has their own style in writing as long as it comes from the heart the longer you keep trying. It will flow just as a river smooth and soothing.
So just keep writing you will know when it flows. nice piece and welcome to the site 
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