Honestly you have to just move on...you can't hold on to what isn't
there...the longer you try to hold on to it..the longer you're unhappy.
...
...

think about this...do you really wanna be with someone who cheasts/ Why
didn't she break it off with the other guy all together before she
started seeing you....once a cheater..always one darlin'

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While
they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in
the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he
would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you
spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be
buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a
man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the
dead. I just can't take that chance."

go to the cops..take out a restraining order on that fool.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"

The many meanings of P-M-S:
1.Pass My Shotgun

2.Psychotic Mood Shift

3.Perpetual Munching Spree

4.Puffy Mid-Section

5.! People Make me Sick

6.ProvideMe withSweets

7.Pardon My Sobbing

8 Pimples May Surface

9.Pass My Sweatpants

10.Pissy Mood Syndrome

11.Plainly; Men Suck

12.Pack My Stuff

...and my favorite one..

13.Potential Murder Suspect

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My
fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me
to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit
beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just
stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where
the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five
minutes and finally decided
that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight
out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he
congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my
fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test"
was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole
thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to
my car was to get a condom?
Confused

ok...i just seen the title..but similar..i guess..LMAO

baseball game right :D

Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot
of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman
at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a
minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.


One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue.


The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,
the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

you make me want to go take a gingerbread shot..LMAO

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual
favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of
jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend
their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard
Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!"
"3rd time this week!!!!!"

8. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."

There was a little old lady who was very spiritual who would
step out on her porch every day, raise her arms to the sky and yell
"Praise the Lord"

One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her, and he
became very irritated with the spiritual lady. So after a month or so of
her yelling, "Praise the Lord" from her porch, he went outside on his
porch and yelled back, "There is no Lord." Yet, the little old lady
continued.

One cold, wintery day, when the little old lady couldn't get to
the store, she went out on her porch, raised her hands up to the sky and
said, "Help me Lord, I have no more money, it's cold, and I have no more
food."

The next morning, she went outside, and there were three bags
of food on the porch, enough to last her a week. "Praise the Lord," she
yelled.

The Atheist stepped out from the bushes and said, "There is no
Lord hahaha, I bought those groceries!"

The little old lady raised her arms to the sky and said,
Praise the Lord, you sent me groceries and you made the Devil pay for
them!"

ODY MEETING :

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and
give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was
toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!

MasterCard Wedding
You gotta love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University. It was in the local Newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned
it.
It was a large wedding with about 300 guests...At the reception after
the wedding, the groom got up on Stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone
for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token
of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special
gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift
to ev eryone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila
envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his Bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching
the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes! , he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage
annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have
canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair,
this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and
best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This
guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of
this:
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends.........$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
and the best man having sex..........Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there 's
MASTERCARD....

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He
marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, just HATE
coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather
have a job".The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants
a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply
all of your clothes Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll
have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is
$200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

lmao...i was replying to boot...LOL

boat

WORD GAME: CHANGE ONE LETTER OF THE BOTTOM WORD POSTED AND SEE WHO
GETS STUCK AND CAN'T CONTINUE! (YOU CANNOT ADD LETTERS OR USE FOREIGN
LANGUAGES)


Starting word: Foot

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past
a 4th grade girl's house. One day he is carrying a
football, and he stops to taunt the little girl.
He holds up the football and says "See this football?
Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells
her mother about the encounter. She runs out and
buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and
the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah
na nah!"
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike.
"See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't
have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is
riding a new boy's bike.
Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points
at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS?

Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you
one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the
little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

So she pulls up her dress and says... "My mother
told me that as long as I have one of these, I can
have as many of THOSE as I want!"

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never
let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
Qantas'
pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded(as marked with an
S) by the maintenance engineers.

BTW, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only Major airline in the
world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the ****pit.
S: Something tightened in the ****pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.

And, ( the best one saved for last)......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget