A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot
asked him,” if you're blind, why do you want to fly?"
And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience.
So off through the skies they went!
The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the blind man felt
around and found the mike and keyed up and said, "Help, help, I'm a
blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has
passed out!"
A voice came over the speaker that said, "if you are a blind man, how do
you know you're upside down?"
The man said, "because **** is running out of my collar!!!!"

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a
bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.

With a couple of sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and
shags
her senseless.

He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight,"I promise!" Well,
the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9
times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 Cuckoos
=
MIDNITE!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight".
He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why? he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three
times,
Then said, "Oh. crap.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
Cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the coffee table and farted."

Good One! Needed a good chuckle

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket
according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.

If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a
pile on the floor.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making the
"woo-woo" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy
and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
"woo-woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING NOW BECAUSE MOST OF IT IS TRUE! ! ! !

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they
have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right
wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream,
too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I
dreamed I was skiing!"

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man
with rugged, masculine features.
And just before she is menstruating, she prefers a man
doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes
and a cricket stump shoved up his arse

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream shop and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

" No," he replied, "arthritis."

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota,Florida...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream
at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get
out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like
mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so
shaken
that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried,
and
then it dawned on her why...

For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a
Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat... A few minutes later, she
found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded
her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her
mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He
pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large
handgun. No charges were filed.

MORAL OF THE STORY?

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

Hello and welcome!