PMS: preMENstrual syndrome

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for
your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.




9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Isn't it great! Gotta love jokes like this, especially when they are sent from someone you don't expect something like this from....my grandma! LMAO

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind
of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him
to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie
detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11
year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was
over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late
getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra
credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped
Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now
tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said
Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped
him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
"I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex
Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your
age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a
whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and
said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be
too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.

Medication Alert... Deadly read and pass on
>
> This was forwarded to me. If you follow the FDA link at the bottom you
> can find it is true.
>
> Subject: Phenylpropanolamine (PPA)
>
> I would like to thank those of you who expressed condolences on the
> recent passing of my m other. She suffered a hemorrhagic stroke while
> she was driving home from my house on 7/30 and passed away on 8/3. My
> mother's stroke and passing was an enormous shock to my family because
> she did not have any symptoms or risk factors for a stroke. Just the
> week before she had gone to her doctor for a check up and received a
> clean bill of health. She did, however, develop a cold while she was
> visiting me and had taken Alka Seltzer Cold Plus for 3 days. Since her
> passing, we have learned that Alka Seltzer is one of the many cold
> medicines that conta ins Phenylpropanolamine (PPA) which can cause
> hemorrhagic stokes or cerebral bleeding even with the first use. I am
> forwarding a list of other medications that currently use PPA. These
> medicines are supposedly being recalled but my mother just purchased
> this medication less than two weeks ago. Pharmaceutical companies have
> known about this danger for years, we unfortunately, did not.
>
> I urge you to review the list of medicines with PPA and avoid these
> medications. All drugs containing PHENYLPROPANOLAMINE are dangerous.
> You may want to try calling the 800 number listed on most drug boxes
> and inquire about a REFUND. Please &n bsp; read this CAREFULLY. Also,
> please pass this on to everyone you know. STOP TAKING anything
> containing this ingredient. It has been linked to increased
> hemorrhagic stroke (bleeding in brain) among women ages 18-49 in the
> three days after starting use of medication. Problems were not found
> in men, but the FDA recommended that everyone (even children) seek
> alternative medicine.
>
> The following medications contain Phenylpropanolamine:
>
> Acutrim Diet Gum Appetite Suppressant
> Acutrim Plus Dietary Supplements
> Acutrim Maximum Strength Appetite Control
>
> Alka-Seltzer Plus Children's Cold Medicine
> Effervescent Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold medicine
> (cherry or or ange) Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine
> Original Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold & Cough Medicine
> Effervescent Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold & Flu Medicine
> Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold & Sinus
> Effervescent Alka Seltzer Plus Night-Time Cold Medicine
>
> BC Allergy Sinus Cold Powder
> BC Sinus Cold Powder
>
> Comtrex Flu Therapy & Fever Relief
>
> Day & Night Contac 12-Hour Cold Capsules
> Contac 12 Hour Caplets
>
> Coricidin D Cold, Flu & Sinus
>
> Dexatrim Caffeine Free
> Dexatrim Extended Duration
> Dexatrim Gelcaps
> Dexatrim Vitamin C/Caffeine Free
>
> Dimetapp Cold & Allergy Chewable Tablets
> Dimetapp Cold & Cough Liqui-Gels
> Dimetapp DM Cold & Cough Elixir
> Dimetapp Elixir Dimetapp 4 Hour Liquid Gels
> Dimetapp 4 Hour Tablets
> Dimetapp 12 Hour Extentabs Tablets
>
> Naldecon DX Pediatric Drops
>
> Permathene Mega-16
>
> Robitussin CF
>
> Tavist-D 12 Hour Relief of Sinus & Nasal Congestion
>
> Triaminic DM Cough Relief
> Triaminic Expec torant Chest & Head
> Triaminic Syrup Col d & Allergy
> Triaminic Triaminicol Cold Cough
>
> I just found out and called the 800# on the container for Triaminic
> and they informed me that they are voluntarily recalling the following
> medicines because of a certain ingredient that is causing strokes and
> seizures in children:
>
> Orange 3D Cold & Allergy Cherry (Pink)
> 3D Cold & Cough Berry
> 3D Cough Relief Yellow 3D Expectorant
>
> They are asking you to call them at 800-548-3708 with the lot number
> on the box so they can send you postage for you to send it back to
> them, and they will also issue you a refund. If you know of anyone
> else with small children,
>
> PLEASE PASS THIS ON. THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF!
>
> DO PASS ALONG TO ALL ON YOUR MAILING LIST so people are informed. They
> can then pass it along to their families.
>
> To confirm these findings please take time to check the following:
>
> http://www.fda.gov/cder/drug/infopage/ppa/
>
>
>
>
> You can also check it out at snopes.com. It is true, but it's
> outdated. Some of these have probably already been taken from the
> shelves. It dosen't hurt to check.
>
> http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/ppa.asp

LMAO! Who wouldn't want to be the mailman?!?

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

I thought it was cool. What better to have splattered all over you than roasted marshmellow?!?

"Excuse me your balls are showing.....bumble bee tuna....."

Ace Ventura when Nature Calls

That sounds like the reply I would get from my husband if I said something like that!

That is just wrong!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars , pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

"Nice goin......Ya f*cked up date night"

"Whooo drop the probe and step away from my @ss!"

Love Stinks

Also from that movie....

"Here have a twinkie snapperhead!"

And gotta love Robert Englund

"Hello hello hello. "

"So what are your names Neal and Bob or is that like what you do?"

Adventures of Ford Fairlane

I kissed a girl! By Katy Perry



Oops sorry wrong spot to say that!!