DEATH

Some of my favorite books: Vampire Chronicles, Lasher, Bram Stokers Dracula, Taltos, The Witching Hour, Guilty Pleasures, The Laughing Corpse, Circus of the Damned, The Lunatic Cafe, Bloody Bones, The Killing Dance, Burnt Offerings, Blue Moon, Obsidian Butterfly, Narcissus in Chains, Cerulean Sins, Incubus Dreams, Micah, Danse Macabre, The Harlequin, Dead Until Dark, Living Dead in Dallas, Club Dead, Dead to the World, Dead as a Doornail, Definitely Dead, All Together Dead, Eternal Love, Prince of Twilight, Eternity, Voices of Blood, Fantasy Lover, Night Pleasures, Night Embrace, Dance with the Devil, Kiss of the Night, Night Play, Seize the Night, Animal Farm, George Orwells 1984, The Satanic Bible

Some of my favorite Authors are: H. P. Lovecraft, Laurell K. Hamilton, Charlaine Harris, Anne Rice, J. K. Rowling, Edgar Allen Poe, J. R. Ward, Lara Adrian, Kerrelyn Sparks, Lynsay Sands, Sherrilyn Kenyon and Maggie Shayne.. .

Dear everyone,

Smile like you’ve never smiled before. Today is a special day, whether it is raining, cloudy, sunny, chilly, hot, or cold. Life is beautiful. Live as if you weren’t supposed to live another day. There is no day but today.

Today is the day that will change your life. Make today count. It doesn��t matter what people say about you. Do what YOU love to do. Let people judge and own it. Embrace the feeling of being watched. Express your individuality and your creativity. Let your mind speak for itself.

Love yourself. Love who you are. Love your body. You a��re beautiful. Those imperfections make you perfect. Appreciate that you look unique. Admire your flaws. Beauty is what is inside you, not what’s outside of you. Know that in a world of hate, there is still love.

Give thanks to those around you- you’ll never know when you wi��ll see them again. Speak whats on your mind, you may never have the chance to again.

Enjoy life- you will only experience it once. Live while you are alive. Do things you never thought you could do.

Appreciate the bad times, because they make the good times even better. Be thankful for failure, because it teaches you success. Understand that rejection only leads you in the right direction.

Love your friends, your enemies, and your frenemies. You wi��ll learn to make new ones in the future. Enjoy getting annoyed, enjoy feeling upset. These emotions teach you things about yourself. Be thankful for the hate, because only then will you know yo a��re actually good at something.

Remember to spread the love and spread it like an infection. Spending your day sulking and being upset is no way to spend the limited time we have in a world where passion overrules logic. Anything can be done in your advantage.

Today will be the best day of your life. Make the most of it.

I don��t understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you would do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you could no��t live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because its easier than working things out. I could go on and on...Im Aways thinking about things, and sometimes I wish that I could just stop thinking. Sometimes it hurts too much.

To name a few: Abattoir, Abigor, Abhorrence, Aborted, Aborym, Abscess, Absu,Adorned Brood, Adversam, Aeternus, After Forever, Agalloch, Agathodaimon, Age of despair, Agent Steel, Agony, Algaion, Amganshan, Amon Amarth, Amulance, Anacrusis, Anasarca, Angel Corpse, Anvil *****, Artillery, At the Gates, Autopsy, Ars Macabra, Barathrum, Bathory, Battle Lust, Battlezone, Benediction, Beheaded, Behemoth, Beherit, Beldriam, Belladonna, Belshazzar, ***** Cock, Black Dahlia Murder, Black Bleeding, Black Funeral, Black Sabbath, Black Winter, Blasphemy, Blood Feast, Bloodthorn, Bloodthrone, Bloodwritten, Bloody Gore, Bloody Wall Of Gore, Bound and Gagged, Bowel Erosion, Broken Hope, Bulldozer, Blyster, Cancer, Carcass (old), Cattle Decapitation, Crebain, Celtic Frost,Christ Complex, Children of Bodom, Cianide, Cirith Ungol, Coven, Cryptic Slaughter, Dark Angel, Dark Funeral Dark Tranquillity, Death, Decay, Decapitated, Dehumanized Dethroned, Death Angel, Death's Bride, Deathrow, Deicide, Demigod, Destruction, Devil Doll, Devourment, Diecast, Dimmu Borgir, Dismember, Divine Eve, Divine Empire, Dokken, DORM OF DEATH,Dying Fetus DRI, Edge of Sanity, Eat My ***, Engorged, EMBALMER, Emperor, Embalming Theatre, Engorged, Exhumed, Exmortem, Exodus, Fall Of Eden, Fallard Art of Dying, Fates Warning, Fear Factory,Fetal Disembowelment, Fleshcrawl,Fleshgrind, Forbidden, Freak Occurance, FRIGHTMARE, Goratory,Gored, Goreaphobia, Gorgasm, Gorguts, Gorerotted, Gorgoroth, Graveworm, Grim Reaper, Guillotine, Hallows Eve, Hardgore, Hateplow, Hecate Enthroned, Hell-Born, Hellhammer, Hellion, Helloween,Hellveto, Hemdale, Hetsheads, Hexx, Hirax, Hollenthon, Hypocrisy, Immolation, Immortal, Impaled Nazarene, Impetigo, Incantation, Internal Bleeding, Iron Maiden, Isengard, Juggernaut, Jungle Rot,Kalmah, Kaki King, Katatonia, Khert-Neter, King Diamond, Korpiklaani, Krabathor, Kreator, Kvist, Laaz Rockit, Leaves Eyes, Lethal, Lethal Aggression,Limbonic Art, Lividity, Lizzy Borden, Lord Belial Lord Gore, Mactatus, Marduk, Massacre, Master,old Megadeth, Mental Funeral, Mentors, Mercyful Fate, old Metallica, Miasthenia, Moonsorrow, Moonspell, MORBID ANGEL, Morgion, Morgoth, MORGUE, Morgul, Mortal Decay, Morta Skuld, Mortiis, MORTEM, Mortician, Mortuary ,Mortufairy, Murder Squad, Mutilated,My Dying Bride, Mykado, Mystic Circle, Mystigo Varggoth Darkestra, Mythic, Naglfar,Napalm Death,Nargaroth, Necro, Nightwish, Nile, Ninnghizhidda,Nocturnus, Nokturnal Mortum, Novembre, Novembers Doom, Nuclear Assault, Nuclear Death, Num Skull, Obituary, Obsidian, Obsession, Obtained Enslavement,Odes of Ecstasy, Officium Triste, Old Mans Child, Omen,Omnuim Gatherm, Oppressor, Overkill, Pain Killer, Pantera, Penumbra,Pestilence, Phobia, Possessed, Post Mortem, Punishment, Putrid Pile, Pyrexia, Queensryche (old),Radigost, Rain Fell Within, Ragnarok, The Ravenous, Regorge, Regurgitate, Regurgitation, Reinfection, Repulsion, Righteous Pigs, Rotting Christ, Rumpelstiltskin Grinder, Sacrifice, Sadus, Sargeist, Satan, Satanic Grounds, Satyr, Serpent Obscene, Serpens Aeon, SEVERE TORTURE, Siebenburgen, Siegfried, Sirenia, Sirius, Shadows fall, SINISTER, SLAYER, Slaughter (canada), Slechtvalk, Sodom, Solitude Aeturnus, Sorrows End, Storm, SOD, Suffocation, Summoning, Suidakra, Sword, Tankard,Tartaros, Terrorizer, Testament, THANATOS,old Theatre of Tragedy,The Black, The Legion, The Shroud, The Sins of Thy Beloved, Therion, 1349,Thou Shalt Suffer, Thy Infernal, Thyrfing, Torture, Trail of Tears, Tristania, Trollech, Tulus, Tvangeste, Type O Negative, Tyrane, Ulver, Unanimated, Vader, Venom, Vampiria, Vas, Vehemence, Vesperian Sorrow, Via Mistica, Vio-lence, Visceral Bleeding, Vital Remains, Unanimated, Uncanny, Unholy Ghost,Vinterland, Vintersorg, VON, Vond, VOMIT REMNANTS, Vomitory, Waco Jesus, War, Warspite, Wasted Youth, Whiplash, White Chocolate, Wind of the Black Mountains, Windir, Winter, Within Temptation, With Immortality,Wolfnacht, WOmentors, Wongraven, Wrath, WTN, Xentrix, Yacoepsae, Yattering, Yellow Machinegun, ZAO, Zeus, Zyklon.

Nothing. Changing something about myself means to also change my life, to be a different "me". I love my life, even if it isn't always bright, and though I'm far from being perfect in other people's eyes, I'm almost perfect in mine. I think that's enough.

The background for my diagnosis was bullying. In a perfect world, the bullies would be the ones referred for psychiatric evaluation. But I was the victim. It infuriates me to hear people talk about bullying as if it were some sort of childhood rite of passage that everyone experiences. Everyone gets teased, but teasing isn��t bullying. In my experience, every school has one or two kids who get singled out, maybe more if its a large school. These kids are the ones the resident bullies pick out, for whatever reason, and they are the ones who are subjected to almost continual physical and emotional torment. For years. I was the chosen one in my elementary and middle school.

I don��t know why I was chosen. I was quiet, introverted, and not naturally one to draw any attention to myself. I wasnt obviously dysfunctional, and I had no physical defects that obviously presented themselves as targets for peer ridicule. Of course, once you do get chosen to play the role of victim, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. You get bullied because you are the victim, you are the victim because you get bullied. It didn��t help that I would get incredibly angry. I dont believe I really have any anger issues. Years after leaving an environment of emotional and physical abuse, of being made to feel like your only value is as a toy that can be tormented for the sadistic pleasure of others, I dont anger easily, and would classify myself as a rather calm person. But faced with daily taunts, threats, getting beat up, spit on, ignored, excluded, having all sorts of slurs thrown after you and through clever manipulation on the part of my tormentors usually getting in trouble for any altercations that resulted I was violent, I was loud, and I was destructive.

I dont think my response to bullying was in any way evidence of my abnormal psychology. Fight or flight is a basic human instinct. Cuss or cry. Explode or implode. When faced with a situation that inflicts extreme emotional pain, I could either curl into the fetal position and be sad, or I could get angry. I have cried a lot, but I have also fought a lot. I never backed out of a fight, which is idiotic, since I was a smaller kid and everyone was bigger than me. I usually got beat up, if I didn��t get off the first punch; many bullies are also cowards who can��t take the pain they like to dish out. The supposedly mature response to a bullying situation would be to let the adults sort it out, but when all the adults in your life prove to be completely unable to solve the problem, and frequently put the blame on you, what is a child to do? Vigilante justice can happen because someones an ***, or it can happen because the official channels for administering justice fail completely both at rectifying the situation and at dealing out appropriate punishment to the perpetrators.

I a��m not advocating vigilantism. I am not saying violence is the answer to anything. But I believe my response was well within the range of normal human psychology when faced with a dysfunctional and abusive environment. Extreme situations breed extreme action. Of course, my actions were only extreme for a middle schooler. All I ever did was get in a few fights with my peers, yell and scream and insult and possibly do minor damage to school property. I didnt become a school shooter, I didn��t start bombing hospitals or office buildings, and obviously I don��t condone such actions. But I think I can understand the impulse, if I a��m right in the assumption that they are fueled by the same kind of righteous anger I experienced and I suspect people never placed in such a situation can never fully understand it.

Emotional logic doesn��t operate on rational principles. I dont pretend that being the victim of severe and prolonged bullying is anything like living in poverty under a repressive regime, or persecuted for your skin color. But suffering is a subjective phenomenon, and I truly believe bullying can be as traumatizing to a child as more generally recognized forms of abuse, and scientists are starting to see evidence of that in bullied brains. And if it��s true that it can be as traumatizing, then surely it makes sense that bullied children would react as extremely within the parameters of their existence as some victims of other kinds of abuse do, according to the parameters of theirs. Which is to say that I refuse to see what would in analogous situations be seen as dysfunctional, but normal mechanisms for coping with extreme stress as evidence of cognitive abnormality.

Defective, Un-fixable, Tired And Morbidly Hopeless....Years of therapy, different anti-depressant meds a day, great loving family. I was broken long ago but I have to take responsibility for being unable to rise above my obstacles. I spent a long time trying to manage the pain with drugs and alcohol. But I'm taking the steps now to be clean and sober so I can to be the kind of person I aspire to be but I'm failing.

My warped emotional landscape is littered with endless episodes where my anger and insecurity has led to bad behavior and poor decisions. I've alienated people, ruining relationships over and over.

It's all my fault. I'm too weak and self centered to rise above all the wreckage. I'm tired, I have no strength left to fight the good fight. Not enough character to let my gratitude for my family heal me in any way.

A long, slow downward spiral to another crash and burn. I want to die. Anyone who reads this is probably tsk-tsking at another loser feeling sorry for themselves. That may be true but I feel like I've fought hard and lost. I'm tired of losing.

So, today I need a Hug!

It doesn't get better, it never gets any better. I've wished I was dead pretty consistently since I was younger, that's years now of hoping I'll die in my sleep, get hit by a car, maybe some sort of random violence. That's how much of a coward I am, unwilling to pull the trigger on myself I keep hoping that someone will do it for me. Saddling them with that responsibility.

I have some family. I used to have some friends but as times gone on they've found me pretty much unbearable to be around the moment I stop wearing my smiling mask all the time. I'm sure I'm pushing away whomever still remains in my life as well but I don't know how to stop. In the end it'll probably be for the best. Once I'm out of their life it will be one less thing to keep me from finishing it.

The last time I tried to talk to someone seriously about feeling this way I was told "I don't want to hear this" and that I'm "only as happy as I want to be." That was my mother telling me that feeling this way is my own fault. I try not to talk about it to people anymore.

I've found ways to cope with the more self destructive urges though, when they get so strong I have to do something. I used to smoke a lot but I've cut down a lot, to make my family happy. These days when the whirling in my head gets too loud I like to trace the veins in my wrists with a pen.

I used to want to be a writer, these days I can barely force a coherent sentence out. This is the probably the longest written piece I've been able to sit and put out in around two years. I've tried I really have, attending classes, writer's workshops and similar. It only lasts a few weeks before I just can't see the point, I don't have any stories worth the telling in me anymore.

I keep hoping that writing this will feel cathartic, that I'll somehow feel purged. I don't though. It never gets better, sometimes it's quieter. I think that's the best I can hope for. Right now I can keep fighting that urge to be done with it, but at the end of the day I know it's a fight I can't win. It's a fight that never stops and one day I'll slip. I'll have a bad day, a weak moment, a few minutes where that desire is stronger than the desire not to hurt those people who care for me and I'll lose.

I can't stop it, I can just keep fighting, and keep hoping that something else will do it for me before I do it for myself.

It never gets better.