Strong *** coffee, first thing
My eyes still puffy and half shut, I am out the door
I have my keys! If I lose them now, I'll have lost my mind
For sure

Strong *** coffee, **** me
I drew lines around my eyes, I painted
Awake eyes on, out the door, to work
Cold calls for cold cuts, a gallon of milk

Strong *** coffee, **** me
Another day, please not like the others
Don't let today be like all the others
I poor another cup, of some Strong *** Coffee

Went to elementary school orientation, for my daughter
Like that will help
School is such a joke, as if it will prepare children for life
Ridicule and bullying and not being popular or loved or
Even liked,
Prepared me for suicide

What stops some from calling it quits?
It was not the crowded halls of name calling
It was not the bumping and shoving, like cattle in a chute
Off to slaughter, off to slaughter
What stops some of us from calling it quits?

I picked up some school supplies, printed on a list
What was of use, in my mind? The empty journals and lined paper
Not for assignments or equations, but for drawing and writing
What hate could only be turned inward
Volumes and volumes of hate, illustrated
My memoirs of school

When a bed starts out as a crib
And we are left alone to watch mobiles and listen to
The stars
When we get our first bed of our choosing
One that we spend teenage nights dreaming
A bed with just me, sleeping, picking a favorite side
When there is no one else there to crowd me

When does a bed become empty?
When the isolation of self discovery makes us
Aliens, and there is no one else of our kind?
When the unfounded loneliness, that had been buried
Under heavy blankets called "comforters" that were anything
But comforting
When did my bed become lonely?

When did my bed become empty?
Empty even when I lay, spread and stretched to cover
As much square footage, my not so square figure can cover
When, no matter what book or movie or dream may come
You cannot come to me, and so, no matter how hard I wish
The fact, being, bitter and true and painful
My bed is empty, without you

Very nice

Only seven hours ago?
I was with you, as with you as not
Physically possible
But not impossible, to be close to you

Seven hours ago, you made me
Made me do it, say it, things
Things I thought I wouldn't say again
Seven hours ago, when most were sleeping

I am still asleep, I cannot be awake
For every confession I make, you take gratefully
Parts of me still asleep, before we part and go to sleep
for another seven hours, at least, we are divided

Divided in half, for have the waking hours
together, when most, sleep soundly in shared beds
We share the only thing possible, our own, impossibles
The impossibles that we show each other are possible

If my life were a movie, there would be no stopping me
The opening credits would be of highway, dry and dusty
Empty malt shop cup rolling in an arc while a burger wrapper
bounces by like a tumble weed, and I am on the road

If I smoked I would light one up, hit the play button and crank some
Clash, if I still drank, I would grab a bottle and take a swig
But this is not a movie, and I am not a star, headlining
I am only his shooting star, en route through deepest sky

If I gave those with noses a choice, an answer to my life's destination
I would tell them the Moon or New Jersey, and laugh
If anyone believed one to be true, I would not have to lie
Their answer would be the Moon, and I take the wheel, laughing

In this motion picture, of things first drawn on storyboards
The story goes, not like any fiction told, of old suitcases filled
Relics wrapped in lingerie, time pieces telling wrong time zones
I have my hands on the wheel, laughing,
While my dog laps at the wind, ears blowing

the lessons never end and my lessons never learned

what degree is not earned still register on the Richter Scale

my fault line, written in these lines, over and over again


I hated school and the cliques I never clicked in

I hated myself and the family I didn't belong in

So much like life, they never taught us

Only what was, is wrong with being different


I can't learn lessons, not of use to me

If what is learned, teaches me, to never believe

If or when my answer was wrong, the answer

Was of multiple choices to trick questions


Pass or fail, it never will matter

Never will matter, the end of year rolls

Into a new year of the unlearned

And I graduated on to this, degrees of fails


Pass or fail

Heads or tails

It is all the same to me

I pick up the coin, and go on

Thank you , dear
I was having trouble writing today.
xxx

The cutting open of me, does not bleed me
Anymore, than does a cut flower to it's stem
What may flow, is in me, coddled in the membrane
Of memories, both good and bad, on high security
My heart on lock-down, you penetrated my fire-wall
I was on alert and vulnerable, more caustic, less malleable
Your kindness, I observed, while in the shadows of me
Began to soften scarred tissue, turn frigid to pliable
Dry ice vapors collect and swirl over your Love's flame
My loves flame, I carry, keeping from Hurt's wind, blowing
We are the same
You cry for me, I hate for you
We compliment
You step foreword, naked, I am scared and armored
We are balanced
You are loyal, I am loyal
We are book ends to one heart
We are the sum, one plus one, equals one love

Of places gone and not returned to

Not for not trying

Because of you, I remember them

Of storms I have stood under

Clouds crashing and light burning

The rain does not come

Because of you, I remember them

The rain that cleanses, is not from me

My eyes dry and my head aches, but my heart

Does not, because of you

Not for not trying, it is easy with you

So easy to stand alone, with you next to me

So hard to say good bye with hello around the corner

What miles are to go, are miles of dreaming

Colors of day into night, streaming, wheels turning

Not for trying, I do need you, want you

I will come to a stop, my foot on the brake

But I am not balking, I am turning the key to off

I am opening my car door, I am stepping out

Into the light, not produced by a screen, and I love you

Not for not trying, the rain will come for me

You will stand, finally in finality for the rest of time

You will be by me, it will be so easy

I know you well enough to know
When I lay here on my belly thinking of you
I am next to you thinking of me
And we are together

I know you well enough to know
When I gaze at something beautiful
You feel my eyes on you, even when you sleep
And we are together

I know you well enough to know
What hurts may come, will be bearable
If what hurts is kissed by you and me, soothing
Bonding us closer together

I am the one that holds you in hands, cupped
I am the one that draws pictures of you with eyes closed
I am the one who writes of your beauty and love
I am the one, who is with you always, even, if far away

I missed the train today

I walk along the tracks, looking for it, listening for it

Such a beautiful train, with presence to take my

Breath away, my beautiful train


Every day, I step along the ties, my heart plays

Hop Scotch and my feet follow, along my Love's path

Today, I missed my train. still miss my train

So much bigger than life, still, obscured by my life


I missed my train today, although I heard it's fine whistle

Call to me, to remind me, to visit the tracks

My heart plays Hop Scotch, and my feet follow

For thousands of miles my feet will go, to catch my train

I think they must think I am crazy
I think I wonder myself
I think too much, I think
All I can think of is you

Too many ideas, not enough to do
With you and to you
Not enough ideas, I have ideas about you
All I can think of is you

Nothing has ever been so uncertain
I am certain of you, you have proven yourself
You have, you are, you
All I can think of is you

I have been so empty, that
I can feel you rushing in
I am bottomless, deeper than anything
I have room, so much room for you

I feel myself let go, letting go of
I feel myself letting go, to empty my hands for you
My hands are empty, so they may hold you
All I can think of is you

I am a terrible navigator, and when the seasons change
The landmarks become unrecognizable, and I am in a foreign place
I am a terrible lover, and when the seasons change
What was loved becomes unrecognizable, and I am in a foreign place

I have learned to write only in bold, to be heard, for so many years
Sometimes, not heard at all, still, but I write in bold, cursing, cursing in bold
To be heard, for my heart to be heard, I cursed in bold, I am a terrible lover

My arms make strokes, led by my hand, and words crack like a whip
And I make my words hurt my antagonist, my so called partner in this
Crime of passion, this lie of love, this tragic combination that produces
Such pain, such angry words, cracking
My arms swing the whip up and down, with a shattering crack

I am a ruined lover, after bone chilling evenings of bitter confrontations
I am almost destroyed, I am hardly recognizable, barely me at all
But you recognize me, you are witness to my season's change
With you, I lay the whip down, and pick up pen, instead

I am an unsure, participant in your life, my image of love, almost
Unrecognizable, and then I see you, and I begin to remember
I lay down my whip and pick up a blanket, to wrap myself tight
To be your arms, so far away, so I can try to remember being held
I am a terrible navigator, on my way to see you
I am already lost, but you recognize me

The faucet on, the cupboards slam
I cannot even handle the daily noise
I want no noise

The appliances running, and I cannot
The house with unlocked doors, I cannot
Escape, keep people out

There is only one not of blood
Welcome
Only one, not near enough to call upon me

I call on him, I write to him, he is my keeper
To keep me safe, or notice me, missing
I am invisible to all but him, he is my keeper

The house is quiet, no footsteps to shake
Weak floors, no silent treatment that shatters
No dodging bullets, now

He has talked me down, Beloved Negotiator
He has slowed my pulse to match his heart's beat
We breath in, we breath out together

Beloved Negotiator, may I take your breath in me?
Will you kind eyes always watch me?
Beloved, negotiator, you have my life, Love

mig25,

I cannot say how much I appreciate you

I am naked, here, just made coffee
My hair is wet, water dripping down my
Neck and back, I am naked
I walk to the closet, pick out white panties
I am naked and wet, and I pull on white panties
I pick out a bra and blouse, still almost naked and wet
I walk into the kitchen and pour a cup, hands shaky
Almost naked, and still dripping, my hair clings to me
I look you up, sitting in white panties and nothing else
Holding a cup, of steaming coffee, steaming like me
We talk, I am dressed now, but still naked and wet
For you, my love, there are no veils, no curtains drawn, no
Doors locked
For you, no matter what I am wearing,
I will always be, naked and wet

As grateful as any animal released from a snare, that is me
As afraid as any animal, given freedom by hands similar to those
Hands that took freedom away, I do not run away from you
As driven to keep hands over ears, to make distance from bitter words
Your voice, soft and calm, my impulse is to stay, be covered by you

As small as I tried to make myself, you invite me to grow to full size
Life size, me, with life to live, you invite me to join something Larger than Us
You make room for me, in the room of your house, a house we share
The house of us, hours of us, you invite me into, and you into Me
I go, I share the fear that won't go away

I can't compare myself to anything else, but an animal, I don't see

Myself as anything else, but an animal, wild and trapped for bounty
The bounty of one who values my flesh for trade, to be traded and
Discarded, you want me, I am good enough for you
For you, I would try, I want to go back to the day,
when trust was
Given, without reservation, I want to go back to a place called now
With you

When we talk, and when you listen, listen quietly
When my anxiety is almost more than I can stand
More than I can sit down, without falling down
When, what hurts begins to hurt a little less
I owe you for masterfully directing my thoughts, toward you
Toward your direction on screen, on maps, on mental itineraries
I am a rocky riverbed, with cold water moving fast, but not as fast as
Our love
I have river stones, polished by your constant care, your thoughts, caressing
I have bones, fragile, threatening to break
Under an other's constant pressure, and I almost
Drown
But I do not, only, for your love, your gentle waters caress me
I am alone, but you are here, and there is no reason to be
No reason to be lonely, no reason to be alone,
I say this, while you sleep, 1400 miles away
I write this before you have seen the sun, following our good night
A very good night,
A very sweet conversation of words and looks
When we talk, and when you listen, with love, unconditionally
You hold what is most dear, and that is my love
My Love
You are my Love, most dear

It has been most recently, that I have seen me
We had lost touch for many years, but
As friends of old, go, the ones who were there to listen
It was as if no time had passed at all

I saw me the other day, while talking to my Love
I heard a haunting laugh, and realized it was me
I squealed with joy, as I often did, a long time ago
And, my Love made it feel like those yesterdays

He was not with me, then, when I explored the forest of me
He was not with me, when I lost my way, and had no one
To call for help, I had no beacon, for help to find me
But, he was there, all along, waiting for me

It has been most recently, that I introduced myself to my Love
The self that hid in me, when we first met, and shook hands as friends
The same hand that gently reached across broad, dark skies
With arms, my Love welcomed me, as myself, the one I thought I had
Left behind