A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
So he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed t heir lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out snacks and got the kids to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,

Breaded the chops and snapped the fresh beans for supper.

After supper he cleaned the kitchen,
Washed the dishes, packed away leftovers and wiped the table,
Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,

He went to bed where he was expected to make love without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!"

The Lord, replied: "Since you have learned your lesson I will be happy to change things back. You'll just have to wait 9 months. You got pregnant last night."

Long ago when people cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called......


GOLF!

How to use the rebate

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice $600 rebate.

**If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
**If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs.
**If we purchase a computer it will all go to India.
**If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
**If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.
**If we purchase useless crap it will all go toTaiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy beer and whiskey, since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

'That's me before the surgery.'

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.

Try a Smile....

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

Please use your best judgment when referring to these people,

so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.


And furthermore ....

How to speak about Women and be politically correct:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'

3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.'


How to speak about Men and be politically correct:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not ' BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'

7 He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8.He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'

11 It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people "appear" bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable-- except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When going to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Summer Classes for Men

at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday April 21, 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.



Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.



Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM



Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM



Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.



Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined



Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.



Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined



Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.



Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** when I tell you the price.

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.

'Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic,' he says. 'I want you to take care of the clinic and all
me patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Seamus. The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, 'So, Seamus, how was your day?'

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.'

'Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,' says Seamus.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, 'Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!'


'Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?' asks the doctor.


'I put drops in her eyes.

I knew it was going to happen, but we just didn't know when. Here it is!

Men's answer to Maxine.
Meet ------- MAX

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------- -----------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------- -- ----------------------------------------- -----
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.'
------------------------------------ -------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't; there is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
--------------- - ---------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, And still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested .
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------ ------------ -------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle a good joke!


AND MAXINE SAYS.....






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jewish Logic...
Moshe is waiting on the platform at the station. He notices a Jewish man standing nearby and asks him for the time. But the man ignores him. Moshe then asks him again, and the man responds in the same way.

Frustrated, Moshe asks 'Excuse me, but I've asked you for the time twice, why are you ignoring me'

Suddenly, the man looks up and says,

'We're both waiting for the train, if I answer you, then when we get on the train you will come and sit next to me, we will probably start talking, and I may invite you to my house for Shabbat , there you will meet my daughter, you will probably like her, you may eventually want to marry her, and to be honest with you, WHY WOULD I WANT A SON IN LAW WHO CAN'T AFFORD A WATCH?'

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.....

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'

WARNING : If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson will be comin' right over to kick your white honky ass !!!!

TEN
....the number of years Leonardo Da Vinci took to paint Mona Lisa's lips

TWENTY TWO
.... the number of years Engineers worked on to make a Zipper




A little bit late....ahhha still good...just have a laugh...will you..?


I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, a woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number-Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number-Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number-Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Smartbutt. But you still get a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number-Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number-Six Idiot of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number-Seven Idiot of 2006

It seems that this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexi-glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, here's your sign.

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

I wish I could say the same.

But due to my career I must have one.

Thank you for your reply.