Just signed up not long ago and this is kind of a work in progress, the profile has changed alot and is still evolving.

CROSSROADS

I saw a picture of myself the other day, i was probally

around 19 years old at the time. It filled me with sorrow

as i tried and tried to remember the person in the photo.

I suppose it was the fact that i can rememeber that by that

age i had already been forced to deal with things that

children just should not have to do.

I am the product of alcoholic and addictive parents who

divorced when i was five, so i have to say i don't have

many memories of my Dad in those years. I didn't know my

Dad until i was fourteen, before that he was absent. He

made excuses over the years but even later in life he never

could step up and take responsiblity for his kids. These

are the things that alcoholics do to the people around

them.

I have a relatioship with him now but there is always

something missing in the conversation. We can play in the

shallows but i suppose your don't get a father and son

relatioship with and absent father in the first 14 years.

My mother was drug addicted and incapble of raisig two

children at the time. I will admit she did at one point

seek help and my brother and i spent some time in foster

homes. A can remember so clearly as a child of probally 8

or 9 having to deal with my mom's problems. It wasn't right

its the kind of role reversal that really ****s children

up. And this contiues to this day although i have grown far

less tolerant over the years. Children should be able to go

to their parents for advice in life. NOT the other way

round.

I can remember myself at 19, with the wisdom of a 40 year

old and the yearing to have a family despite the fact that

i had known since i was at least 12 that i was also

attracted to boys.

I think back then i was on a mission to somehow create that

family i never had, and in some way do it right. You know

don't let history repeat itself.

I met my wife at 14, she was 6 years older than me at the

time, i was spending most of my time on the streets and we

happend to meet one night. I could relate to her because by

that time for me i already had more life expierence than

most 30 year olds. We lost touch by the time i was 18 and i

had had my first real sexual expierence at around 17 with

another older women, i think at least 10 years older. Of course i jumped right in, she had a kid so i though here's the perfect family. Thank God she had the insite to see what was happenig and break it off. Athough it broke my heart at the time i did move on to college which i suppose might not have happened otherwise.

It was my last year of college in toronto when my wife

rentered my life. I graduated a year later and by the time

i was 22 i had three children and was married. This lasted

almost 10 years before it fell apart. She had decide that

the grass was green with someone else. It devasted me since i felt i had now done to my kids what my parents did to me.

I must admit, when my marrage broke up i suppose i should

have felt remorse at that point but i did not. I really

believe that we need examples in our lives to mold us into

whom we become. I didn't get those examples in life so i

really don't have any templates to go by. I now i can love

but i can also remove myself from it as well very easily.

It rips me apart but if you've been hurt by the people in

your life enough you start to develop a skin for this. If

you do it long enough it become second nature.

Bad divorce, ten years of fighting and the alienation of my

children where the result of the sixteen years since my

divorce. My response was to just shut down. I didn't seek a

relatioship of any kind after that. Its a great defensive

mechanism if you can stomach it.

All my life people have been using me in one way or another

and i suppose i put up with it as it was better than

dealing with that lonesome feeling when you've been alone

long enough. I left a long time job for health reason and

moved from my home town back in 07 as i felt i was i a

crossroads with the people around me here and i guess to

get away from all the bad memories. It was some friends i

thought that were trying to help me out to have a better

life. I thought this was goig to be a new start but it

turned out they had their own interest in mind as well.

I moved back to my home towm a few months ago, a long time

friend was more that happy to help with the move. They

always say you know your real friends by the ones that show

up on moving day. I must say i have known this person since

he was 16 so its been at least 11 years. My friend is in a

relationship and has three kids of his own although he's

not happy in this current situation. I must say, i have

never been attracted to this person sexually, we have

always been able to talk about anything and i always felt

we had some kind soul connection as friends.

Since I have been back my friend has been using my place i

suppose as a place to hid from his own life. But he's been

lying to those around him about where he is. I know this

friend has always suspected i might me gay or something but

i never made an advance towards him, and seeing i haven't

done anything in 15 years i am not even sure myself. One

day i belive he may have actually seen something on my

computer that made him suspect this even more.

Now, i figured if he's really friend he would just ask if

he had questions but thats not what happened. Christmas was

aroud the time the homophobic comments or jokes started,

the only problem is that at the same time he was doing

other things, like causual touching or sitting right beside

me instead of any other free chair it the room. I don't

know if he was fishing or he has his own issues. In any

event what i need now is a friend not the other.

I think i need to let him go but its ripping my heart out

right now. I love him, as a friend thats it, and he's the

only person left in my life for support. I can't rely on my

parents, my dad is about as biggeted as you can get. My

uncle disowned his son because he came out, they both went

to their graves without resolving it. My Mom can't get past

herself to even seen me anymore any coversations quickly

revert to her problems and i am so so tired of doing it.

I turned 45 the other day and i am overwhelmed by a sense

of loss of both my childhood and the future.

Whats wrong with people today, why can't they understand

that maybe some people have the king of soul can love

another soul, desipe the body the soul is in, be it male or

female.


Someone once said "the greatest healer is the human touch"

I can't agree more.....

After fifteen years my soul is overwhelmed with the desire

to be touched in that way. Without it you are truly lost.

How do you start over when you don't have the required skills in the first place. How do you do it when time's runing out. I have never in my life been able to break that ice, all my relationships have been driven by others.


This confusion feeds a courage inside me that feeds the fear that this time i may not come out the otherside............I am truly lost