what's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?
a bloke will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball.

why is working in an office just like christmas?
you do all the work, but the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

what are the three worst things about being an egg?
you only get laid once
it takes ten minutes to go hard and the only bird to sit on your face is your mum.

what did the whirlwind say to the coconut tree?
hold on to your nuts this is gonna be a hell of a blow job!

a plane flying along, at high altitude, starts getting engine troube, the captain starts to worry when one engine dies on him completely, not to worry we can fly on one engine he thinks, a few moments later the second engine dies completely, he calls the cabin crew and tells them to inform the passengers and they should prepare for a crash landing! the cabin crew make the announcement then procede to check that all passengers are in correct positions, as a stewardess is checking she comes across a lady putting all her make up on and straightening her clothes, she asks what the lady is doing, the lady says "ive heard that when a plane crashes the first person they rescue is the most beautiful woman", the stewrdess just looks at her and carries on, she comes across another woman putting all her jewelry on, again she asks what the lady is doing " ive heard that when the plane crashes the first thing they look for is the richest woman and rescue her first", the lady says, again the stewardess just carries on, next she comes across a big west indian woman who just lifts her skirt drops her knickers and sticks her butt against the window, "what are you doing" the stewardess asks, the lady says "ive heard that when a plane crashes the first thing they look for is the black box"!!!