Jeep, no sweat. I'd like to respond with some thoughts, though. First, you've accepted the premise that in order for me to have sex with a good friend of mine that I would be compromising my moral fiber. That's quite a leap to make. Where do you base your standard on what is or is not moral, and why is compromising my morality necessary in order for me to become sexual with a woman that I am friends with and whom I care about, but simply am in agreement with that neither of us are seeking an LTR at this time in our lives?

Second, you seem to be lumping two very different issues together when you suddenly jump to an instance of a past FWB situation in which your partner "suckered" you, misled you, or in some way was not fully authentic. This is called deceit, and is the antithesis of what FWB is all about. FWB is about avoiding the serial monogamy game, in which so many players are lying serially because they aren't really emotionally available for an LTR anyway. But they pose as eligible candidates becasue that's the only way they know to experience the intimacy that all humans crave. FWB, if done correctly, is a way to have a deep friendship and extended intimacy between two people who are honest and clear that they are not ready for an LTR. If more people understood this and practiced it correctly, the dating pool for men like you would be less cluttered with posers incapable or unwilling to commit, and you would find it easier to find what you are genuinely seeking, a partnership with a like-minded lady. FWB is about honesty and clear communication, not lies. And, it's not for someone who wants partnership in his or her life at that moment.

If I were psycho-analyzing, I'd say that you just projected your repressed predator onto me. I never said anything about preying on the innocent or justifying hurting others. I am very clear about where I am and very sensitive to a woman I'm in relationship with. It's ME that I am courageoous with in regard to feelings, because I know that I have the skills and attitude to utilize grief well. My point was that we are often scared of getting hurt, when it's really just designed to teach us that there was never anything to be afraid of at all...just gifts and lessons for our journey.

I might add, though, that although we can be sensitive to another's feelings, and can communicate authentically and honestly and behave with integrity to our word, that's all we can really do, as each person is responsible for his or her own feelings. My hurt is my own...I can be a victim in a moment, but I choose whether or not to stay there and suffer or to forgive them and myself and heal (and to use better discernment next time). Again...I am talking about myself...I realize that most people are not approaching the world from such a perspective.

The question no one is bringing up is why we humans are so afraid of getting their feelings hurt. Anyone who knows about shadow work realizes that projecting our expectations onto another and the invariable disillusionment that follows when the person can't measure up is a gift that allows us to feel and address our core rejection/abandonment family of origin issues. Heartbreak and grief are healing if done correctly...and yes, I've grieved very heavily in my life...I just used the opportunity to heal some core wounds and reclaim repressed parts of myself. Deep stuff, and most of us just try to run and hide from the pain and so are doomed to repeat the same stories over and over.

I've found that following my bliss leads me to great gifts...and no, I'm not confusing lust with love, I'm just saying that living a life intent on avoiding pain is a life that misses some opportunities. Yeah, often in a FWB situation, one person ends up developing a deeper attachment than the other, but if they communicate well and are authentic and honest, each person can learn a lot about themselves, which is a very good thing. Since they are not in it for the long-haul, with the pressure that comes from that dynamic, they can choose to work on becoming more non-judgmental, unconditionally loving, honest to themselves and another, and able to openly speak their truths. We need more of these things in the world, and a FWB situation can be a great practice for expressing as these when the stakes are higher when we meet that special someone down the road, when we are ready for such a commitment.

As for it being immoral, I say the key is the friends part of the friends with benefits. It is using a person if you don't care for her and you have sex. If you both are truly friends, though, and you communicate well and have clear expectations, and don't have the puritannical christian sexual shame baggage creeping in and destroying things, then a FWB situation can be a great way to experience friendship and intimacy and sexuality while avoiding some of the health dangers and other pitfalls of the serial monogamy game that those who cry "immorality" usually play. I guess I'm just encouraging others to be willing to look at the cultural blinders that we wear in the modern day western world...there are many ways to climb a mountain, yet we often never even see the multiple paths all around us (and that were used by other civilizations for millennia) because we are too intent on the road that the old dead white men paved for us...