i dont really know where else to say this... i've been cutt off from my world because of a recent move and have no one to talk to.

pretty much my whole life i've hated myself... no, more than that. i've loathed myself.

someone once told me that the bigger the purpose someone has in this world the harder it is to see through their own eyes. so i just want to know that what if you really don't have a purpose and you just slipped through the cracks? what if your actually just a body filler? i know i'm really young to be thinking about stuff like this... but i've been thinking a lot about mortality and purpose lately.

i guess my real question is how does someone actually LIVE when they have no real idea of who they are and what they're going to do for the rest of their life....or even what they're gunna do with the next year of their life?

am i making sense or am i just rambling? i dunno... i just kind of needed to put this out there, somewhere.

i come from a very abusive background where my ex step father would make me eat more than i should, while at the same time he would call me fat and tell me i should eat less. i'm not trying to put out my life story but to say that there are reasons that people begin to get fat that most people wouldn't even consider as a possability. now onto actual facts... when you over eat, it stretches your stomach. it's true that it does go back to normal size if you don't over eat very often. but the more time you over eat the harder it is for your stomach to go back to normal. and with a larger stomach you have more space to fill before your "I'M FULL!" alarm goes off. in the modern age we have also lost the good ol' table maners of eating small bites. small bites (in an odd way) fill you up sooner, because your stomach starts digesting the food usually while your still eating which in turn tells your body when it has gained everything your body needed. big bites take longer for the stomach to digest so your body gets the alarm late when you've most likely already eaten too much.

it takes 5 hours of running on a tredmill to burn 1 pound of fat... now imagine that you weigh 300lbs... the time it would take for weight loss to show is a lot longer than on someone who weighs 160lbs.

now FAST FOOD!!!!

the average blue collar worker doesn't have time to eat very healthy. so many people grab fast food in the morning because they were so tired the night before that they over slept and didn't have time to get something healthy to eat. and most people who have worked a hard day want to eat something quick and get home to relax.

i personally rarely eat at a fast food place. i haven't eaten at Mc Donalds 6 years. i have eaten a fairly strict asian diet for 3 years... and i have even tried curves and personal trainers. and not in the past 6 years have i seen a noticeable amount of weight loss.