An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up."
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was
riding with her boyfriend and he said his hands are freezing cold.
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the
boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied," Put it between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he
said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother
again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes.
Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess
when they defrost, don't they!?!"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really
good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it,
then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat
stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you
an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the
evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be
better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a
tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who
begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and
offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's
not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up
front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again
increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally
agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the
money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been
worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't
worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco,
and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly,
completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila,
unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air.
He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle,
spraying tequila all over everything and everybody.
The patrons at the bar shouted, "Hey, bud, why'd you waste that
tequila?"

The Texan said, "Heck, it's just tequila. Us Texans go across the border
all the time and get all the tequila we want."

Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked
a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed,
commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the
bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little
chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with
wine.

The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for
their safety, expressed their displeasure and astonishment, to which the
Californian replied, "Well, I'm from Napa Valley, and we have more than
enough wine where I come from."

The Boulderite, a quiet observer up to this point, touched the crystal
hanging from his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his
ponytail, put down his guitar, and borrowed a bottle opener from the
bartender. He popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it
back, threw the empty bottle into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took
careful aim, shot both the Californian and the Texan, and caught the
falling bottle.

The patrons screamed in utter disbelief, "Why'd you do that?"

The Boulderite replied, "I'm from Colorado. We've already got too many
Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles, now those can
be recycled!"

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching
two tampons.

Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the
other, "Should we say hi to those two tampons?"

The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up ****s."

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can
have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14

Got Vodka, Got Long Island Ice Tea, Anyone got some saki

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on
his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of
hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to
set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the
better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed
away.

They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They
downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did
every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain
poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his
blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted
their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's
gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the
past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait!
He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves"

mucho gracias amigo

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come
work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and
feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

I am Chubby asian male who loves both Spanish and Asian women. I am
learning Japanese but, not much is know but few words.. I just wanna say
I seek open-minded females for dating,hanging out, or even LTR. It you
play Videogames it's a plus.

Oai dekite ureshii desu