REPUTED ACTUAL LETTER:

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078


Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:


A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.



(1) ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.''

(2) ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'

(3) ''I would not allow this employee to breed.''

(4) ''This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.''

(5) ''Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.''

(6) ''When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.''

(7) ''He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.''

(8) ''This young lady has delusions of adequacy.''

(9) ''He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.''

(10) ''This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.''

(11) ''This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.''

(12) ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.''

(13) ''A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.''

(14) ''He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.''

(15) ''He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.''

(16) ''I would like to go hunting with him sometime.''

(17) ''He's been working with glue too much.''

(18) ''He would argue with a signpost.''

(19) ''He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.'' {Maybe it just saves time!}

(20) ''He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.''

(21) ''When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.''

(22) ''If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.''

(23) ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.''

(24) ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.''

(25) ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.''

(26) ''Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.''

(27) ''Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.''

(28) ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.''

(29) ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.''

(30) ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.''

(31) ''It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.''

(32) ''One neuron short of a synapse.''

(33) ''Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.''

(34) ''Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.''

(35) ''The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.''

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELLDOESN'T WORK)

Yes, but film is autonomous, like all art forms. Otherwise it has no integrity as art. Filmmakers are authors. But an adaptation is not plaigarism (they need to get copyright clearance of course) because film is a series of images not words. I think we agree, just stating things differently.

I'm a bit worried about global warming; Toowoomba will be a coastal city this century! I should live so long!

'Transamerica' is a low budget indie production but its in my top ten of all time (at the moment). For those who don't know, its ostensibly about a transexual but really about reconciliation of loved ones in a world where we tend to be alienated. My favourite line is the mothers, when her stepfather says 'We love you' she says 'but we dont respect you!'. There are so many other good lines.

Its a road movie of course and cliched to some extent. The writing, direction and performances are all superb. The Director, Duncan Tucker, doesn't have too many credits on IMDB (i don't understand why not). Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives) is, well .....words cannot do her justice.

I want to emote about 'Corner Gas' (Canadian sit com).

Its had six seasons and is ending now. What a shame. Its set in the middle of nowhere (Sakatchewan I think) and is superficially, well ... superficial! The characters are so flawed, but endearing. Its microcosmically a metaphor for all our lives because we are all flawed and living on a nowhere planet!

Anyway, I love it! Its strange that when a good sitcom ends, with characters that you have come to care about (yes, care about, because the writing is so good) it is as if they have died. I feel like reaching out to the characters through the screen and saying: 'dont go, you guys'!).

I love Lacey (Gabrielle Miller I think). I bet she appears on American movies soon, if not already. Remember Laura Linney (also Canadian, first in 'Tales of the City')? She is big in Hollywood now.

Dignity is important. Do you think Madonna would like to adopt me?

I guess Queensland is too nice. All the baby boomers have retired and moved up there. More to come too! I still want a piece of it. Whats a good place? Toowoomba seems relatively good value. I have friends who went up there a few years ago. They have no regrets.

I'm a Canberra kid. I read your profile. I can sense a poetic soul there.

Poor misswiz! She has deactivated. I felt it was a cry from the heart. England is depressing I guess, particularly in winter. You should have cheered her up.

I've been reading some other discussions that seem to attract Americans mostly. They often seem angry. I guess I would be too if I lived there.

Queensland is a good lurk during winter. You're lucky. Australia is so great! The world's best kept secret!

PS: 16443 posts!?

Hi

Re "The Shining". I regard films as autonomous works of art without reference to their origin. A film adaptation is not good or bad in relation to a novel or play on which it is based. Are all art forms to be judged with reference to what may have inspired them. For example, Van Gogh's 'Irises' is not a faithful representation of "real" flowers; it is impressionistic.

The "artist" for "The Shining", as a FILM, is Kubrick. He can adapt the book any way he likes, presumably. He was inspired by the book and brought it to life visually. And, I think SK was an alcoholic when he wrote the book. Anyway, even if he wrote it after he had dried out, I think he was writing it from the point of view of what it was like to be an alcoholic.

May I interpret films anyway I see them? Its a free country here (Australia)!

The Shining can only be undertood if you know that Stephen King is an alcoholic. The protaganists fantasies are delusional and the maze is symbolic of his state of mind (as an alcoholic). I think his photo in the foyer, from a much earlier time, is meant to say that his delusion (that he has lived before) is "real" from the writer's (SK's) point of view. That is, SK is living through his characters because that is what an alcoholic writer does autobiographically. I think its just a literary indulgence. It makes you think and put yourself in the character's shoes, who is a writer of course. I'm not sure I've explained that clearly.

Anyway, its a good movie. I've watched it many times. Its Kubrick's best movie I think (along with Paths Of Glory and Dr Strangelove).

I really wanted to say I enjoy 'Corner Gas' (Canadian) on TV here in Australia.