Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever D*ck

try another one

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

later,

. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours

not thats one I havent heard before

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

thats true, but not funny try again

WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF CHRISTOPHER REEVES




CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing$1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collectedand saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope onthe plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome bycuriosity, approached her.'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week inthe collection plate,' he stated.'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money,and I give some of it to the church.
The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are yousure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what doeshe do for a living?''He is a veterinarian,' she answered.'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made thatmuch money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

One day a nun got into a cab. The cab driver, noticing she was a nun, and asked her if she would ever have sex. After she had thought about it for a while she said "Well, yeah I would have sex with a man if he had never been married, did not have any kids and went to church every Sunday." So the cab driver said "What do you know, I don't have any kids, never been married and I go to church every Sunday!" So he asked her if she would have sex with him and she agreed as long as he would take her from behind. So they had sex and afterward the cab driver said "Ha ha, I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!" And the nun pulled off her mask and said "Ha ha, I'm a man going to a costume party!"

ok so 3 imigrants arrive in New york... Excited to start their new life they want to absorb anything and everything they can... see all the sights and try all the new things.. Become an American as they wanted so desperately... As they're walking down the road one of them points out a hot dog stand.. They look at each other excited and talk amongst themselves for a few seconds before one of them approach the man and tell him they will take three. They pay the vendor and start walking away when all of the sudden the first one stops and gasps as she opens up the knapkin... she quickly runs to the trash and throws it away.. The other two look at her in confusion as she walks back over all flush in the face... They ask what is wrong...and she reply's what part of the dog did you get?