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| Topic: The art of being sexy | |
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Believe it or not there is a fair amount of work that goes into being as sexy as I am.
You would think that being a towering 5' 4 1/2", shaved head (mostly just shave the sides, mother nature takes care of the rest), stocky build, neon-glowing white skin (except where the sun makes it a kind of rust color), 40-year-old divorced dad of two would make me pretty much the sexiest thing on the planet next to George Clooney. Nope. I'm here to tell you it takes a lot of work to be like me. For instance, I get up at the crack of 6:00 (not that I want too, but the damn alarm clock goes off and then the cat makes sure I get out of bed), I lay there and think real hard about going jogging, so hard it almost makes me tired already. Then I stumble out of bed trying not to step on the cat who insists that the most important thing I do in the morning is feed him first. I try to find my jogging shorts only to remember I put them in the laundry last night, so I go down and find them still slightly damn in the dryer. Start the dryer. Go upstairs, finally feed the cat who is giving me this indignent look. Microwave a cup of coffee because I am too damn tired to start a new pot. Find a pack of smokes and go light one up outside while waiting for the shorts to dry. Finally the shorts are dry enough to put on. Time to jog. Now I like to work up a really good sweat when I am out jogging, which for the most part starts to occur at about the tenth step. I get into a really good rhythm where the cadence in my head kinda goes like this "Oh god this sucks, oh god this sucks OH GOD THIS REALLY SUCKS!" Keeps me inspired being that religious of a person. It usually feels like I have run about ten miles by the end of my run when in actuality it is probably closer to one. But I have to save a little energy for my push ups and sit ups. Back at the house I cool down with another smoke and the rest of the luke warm coffee while waiting for my wheezing to get back under control. I will often resort to yoga techniques to control my breathing. Inhale slowly, long deep smoke filled breaths of air, exhale slowly through the nose watching the smoke swirl out, followed by extreme hacking for about 5 minutes. I lay down in the floor and hook my feet under the couch, and then lay there some more preparing myself for the agony, I mean sit ups that I am about to do. I know that I already have washboard type abs, well if a washboard was slightly soft and had very few ridges then my stomach would look just like one, but I insist on doing my morning sit ups anyway. After studying the inside of my eyelids for about five minutes during which I frequently try not to fall back to sleep I finally burst off the first couple of sit ups. This is usually followed by nausea and the beginning of wanting to use the bathroom, but being the extreme athlete that I am I force myself to keep going until my body is ready to just drop from exhaustion. Damn, those 5 sit ups take a lot out a guy. Slowly I roll over onto my belly and contemplate the different strands of carpet my face is now resting on. Maybe I should clean the carpet once in a while, or better yet, just get a blanket to do these sit ups and push ups on. After another bout of wheezing I figure I better get these push ups over with. Thank god I have such a great physique cause I am able to whip those push ups out. I can, however, feel the burn of them. Especially when I get to push up number two. O the burn! But I continue until I do all them just to prove to myself that I can. Whew! Ten push ups, I must be the most physically fit male specimen on the planet. Or at least that is what I tell myself. I go check myself out in the full length mirror and after sucking in my gut and standing kinda sideways I can see where all those women out there find me so attractive, especially when I do that six-shooter thing with my fingers. I know that they are shy about approaching a guy as sexy as me and that when they make those looks of disgust its really just a come-on. That's alright ladies, I understand. As men get older their hair seems to migrate from one location to another. So instead of having all that stuff on your head, now it is in other places. The best thing to do about this is to get one of those hair trimmers thats kind of like a weed wacker and go to work trimming down the hedges. That's right guys, while women do like a little chest hair, they don't want to be sleeping with a monkey. And that goes for the area down below too. I don't suggest completely shaving it all off your genitals as razor cuts down there take forever to heal and they bleed quite profusely. But when your bush is nice and trimmed it sure makes your penis look larger! A really good, long, hot shower is the next thing in line. There are a lot of men out there that believe a man only shaves in the sink, but to get a really good shave, especially of the whole head you gotta do it in the shower. And shaving gel is for p*ssies. Nope a really tough, sexy man uses regular shower soap to get his scalp and face all soapy and slick, then with long, sure strokes gets rid of all that unsightly hair that other men think women like. We real men know that women don't really want to run their fingers through thick, curly hair like Dr. McDreamy. Nope, they prefer a sexy, smooth bald head. The nice thing is that once you are done with your head and face you can use the same soap on a nice louffa to scrub your body. Yeah! Who's the smart one now. I save all kinds of money on just buying a little soap and none of that other girly-man crap like shampoo and conditioner! Gotta be sure to wash between the cheeks and make sure there aren't any klingons down there though. No one likes to be surprised by one of those. Brushing your teeth, or tooth in some guys case, is a must. Be sure to get each and every tooth one at a time, even inside those big cavities. And use lots of listerine, don't worry about that burning sensation all over your mouth, that's just its way of letting you know it's working. Women like fresh breath, even if it is followed by the subtle smell of tobacco. I, personally, use a ton of Axe deodorant. You ever see the girls all over those guys in the commercials? I want to be like that. It hasn't quite happened for me yet, but I know it's only a matter of time before I find myself in a situation where women are chasing me down the street. And hopefully next time they won't be carrying torches and yelling things like "kill the freak!" Or "Dead men don't lear at our daughters!" Dressing for success is a complete art in itself. There are many books written on the subject, but don't bother with those. Not only do those books cost a bunch of money, but the clothes they suggest you buy are freaking expensive. Nope. Stick with the tried and true. You can get many expensive looking clothes from your local Walmart, and you can save a bunch of money by not buying needless crap like "underwear" or "socks". Those are just marketing ploys to get you to spend more money on things you don't really need. All you really need are a few semi-clean shirts, a couple of pair of levi's and 1 pair of shorts (which double for swimming if you don't have any cutoff jeans available.) Yep, staying this sexy is a whole lot of work. An art really! But it's all worth it when I am down at the beach and I see some sexy young 20-something year old and I flash her my famous smile and throw those six-gun fingers her way knowing that she is only trying to impress her friends when she gives me that "I have just been violated by some old guy" look. Yep, it's all worth it!  
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 i want to read it but its just too long
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LOL!!!!!!!!!! Great stuff! Totally worth the read.
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You sound like a real sexy beast. |
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