THE PHANTOM ****
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.

reminds me of a song...

Scuse me while i drop some friends at the porcelan swimming pool

Hey Gamma,you got a hatch in that suit or does it have it's own handel to flush when your done

takin a pass on that one

have a great day guys got to go

Laters,
Don't forget be nice to your local poop

Poop Karma

I knew that one day the poop gods would turn their attention to me. Several family members have "bathroom issues," as I would call them. Many times I have been with them when they didn't make it to the bathroom, and I would laugh and laugh, finding their misfortune funny. So I knew this would turn around on me. Poop karma, you could call it. I was just waiting for the time my name would be called by the mighty bathroom gods to make me pay for the laughter I have had at others' expense.
Last Christmas, my time had come. I was shopping with my mother. It was just me and her, going to eat dinner and then hit some stores. We went to this Italian restaurant that serves the best spicy sausage I have ever had. So that's what I got -- a plate of make-you-break-out-in-sweats spicy sausage. It was wonderful. And when we left to go shopping, I was feeling fine.

Fast-forward thirty minutes. We are in the store. My stomach starts to cramp. I think nothing of it, because until then, I could always hold it. It never occurred to me that my name is being called.

After about five minutes of cramping, the gas comes. They are SBD'S and they are so foul I have to turn and look to make sure clouds of green smoke aren't trailing behind me. On top of that, the store is packed. I try each time to find an empty aisle in which to fart, feeling sorry for anyone who comes into that area after I left.

Finally the farts are getting so noisy and the cramps so bad that I can't stand up straight. I know I have to leave. I believe I can make it home.

The small seconds of relief before another cramp hit are my only salvation. I waddle, very slowly, over to my mother, and whisper that we have to go and go now.

So we got into the checkout line and from there to the car. By then, I had no cramping. No gas. It was like it had magically gone away. I was happy. My one final thought: "I will make it home."

Into the car we got and onward we went. After about twenty minutes, it all came back full force. It was a tsunami of poop slamming at my back door. I tightened every muscle in my body and fought waves of cramping and gas -- because I knew that with the gas would come an explosion of the watery kind. I started telling my mother to drive faster and faster and all the while she was laughing at me. The cramping reached unbearable pain and I was breathing deeply, slamming my fist on the door, yelling that I am going to let go all over her leather seats if she doesn't go faster. Five minutes from a toilet, the most wonderful thing ever invented, and I wasn't going to make it.

I wanted to cry. All I could think was that I didn't want to go like this. Not so close to Eden!

I looked up -- I'm there! I'm SAFE! The car had stopped and a bathroom was now just a few short steps away.

Then I looked up and remembered the stairs: the fourteen steps I would have to take to reach that glistening white angel. I sat in the car and, for the first time during all of this, felt pure panic. I opened the car door and decided then and there I was running. Nothing was going to stop me.

I took off like I was going for gold in the Olympic hurdles. I charged up those steps and into the house, and I was in the bathroom in less than thirty seconds.

Sweet relief! I ripped off my pants and underwear, and sat.

And waited.

And waited. The cramping and gas came -- and nothing followed.

Finally it all came rushing out of me like someone going down a Slip ‘n Slide. It was a normal poop. After all of that, nothing major happened. Not even an odor followed the ordeal I had endured. I was slightly disappointed and very tired, to say the least. After all of that, I just wanted to nap.

It was a warning.

A warning from the poop gods, telling me that what I had just experienced was like riding the teacups at Six Flags compared to what they had in store for me. I am a toy for their amusement and there is nothing I could do about it.

Slightly disappointed at the end of this story? Don't worry. I am sure that, in the future, I will have a story that will go down as a poop legend. For karma, as they say, is a *****; and karma had just given me a taste of what is planned for my future. I have a poop destiny.

I found this thought I it would fit in here

vacuum container

very nice

A sh*it sucker

Bali Belly ****

You **** so much you lose 5 kilos.



Right Now ****

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

The Frightened Turtle

The kind of **** that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in



The Ring of Fire ****

The kind of **** where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.



The Crippler

The kind of **** where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

WORLD RELIGIONS PHILOSOPHY AND OTHER THINGS

THE COMPLETE AND UNCENSORED **** LIST


AGNOSTICISM What is this ****?

ALTRUISM Want some ****?

AMISH **** dost occur.

APATHISM I don't give a ****.

ATHEISM I don't believe this ****.

BA'HAI All **** is truly ****.

BUDDHISM **** happens.

BAPTIST FUNDAMENTALISM **** happens because the Bible says so.

CAPITALISM How much will this **** cost?

CARTESIANISM I ****, therefore I am.

CATHOLICISM If **** happens, you deserved it.

CLASSICAL Marxism The workers take all the ****, but they're gonna dish it back out again.

COMMUNISM It's everybody's ****.

CONFUCIANISM Confucius say, "**** happens."

CREATION SCIENCE We have proof that God created all the **** that happens.

CONTRACT THEORY If we don't agree to form society, everything will go to ****.

DADISM Your mom knows her ****.

DARWINISM We came up from ****.

DESCARTES I **** therefore I am.

DIANETICS **** your way to a better life.

DOMINICANS Belive in ****, or we'll boil you in it.

DYSLEXIANISM Hits shapnep.

DISCORDIANISM This MIGHT be ****, but is instead a fuzzy 1955 Mustang.

Logical-Positivism **** = S+H+I+T

MARINES It's not just ****, it's an adventure.

MCCARTHYISM Are you now, or have you ever been, ****?

MENNONITE None of this modern **** now.

MOMISM You'll eat this **** and like it!

MORMONISM Your **** is ****, but our **** is the ONE TRUE ****.

MURPHISM **** always happens at the worst possible time and place.

NARCISSISM My **** don't stink.

NIETSCHE If you're not Ubermenschen, you're not ****.

NIHILISM Everything is ****.

NIXONISM **** didn't happen, and if it did, I don't know anything about it.

Nonsequiturism Route 176 goes south.

Objectivism (Ann Rand) **** is ****.

PAGANISM **** happens. And is a part of nature.

PANGLOSSISM This is the best of all possible ****s.

PLATONISM There is an ideal ****, of which all the **** that happens is but an imperfect image.

Protestantism Let **** happen to someone else.

RASTAFARIAN **** happens, but if it's all right with Jah, it's all right with me.

ROBINISM (tv) Holy **** Batman!

RUSSEAU Only natural **** is worth ****.

Rastafarianism "Let's smoke this ****."

SHINTO **** is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it, show it some respect.

SKINNERISM If eat then ****.

SOLIPSISM All this **** is a creation of my imagination.

SOLIPSISM The only thing I can be sure of is that my **** happens.

SPOONERISM Hit shappens.

STALINISM The state treats you like ****.

SUBGENIUS Bob happens -- SO GIVE ME SOME SLACK!

SURREALISM **** is shiny and shaped like a buick.

Scientific-Creationism **** happens all at once

Secular-Humanism **** happens, but there's a rational explanation.

TAOISM The **** that happens is not the true ****.

THE-FORCE Do not be swayed by the Dark Side of the ****.

TV-Evangelism you need our ****, but it'll cost you.

UNITARIANISM There's only one ****, but you can have it happen any way you want.

Utilitarianism Do that which generates the greatest **** for the greatest number.

VANDALISM I'm gonna wreck this ****!

VOODOOISM **** doesn't just happen - somebody dumped it on you

Xeno's paradox It's logically impossible for **** to happen.

YUPPIEISM It's my ****! All mine!

ZEN What is the sound of **** happening?

COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS OF WORLD RELIGIOUS PHILOSOPHIES

TAOISM **** Happens

CONFUCIANISM Confucius says, "**** Happens."

ZEN What is the sound of **** happening?

YOGA There's a full lotus **** happening.

TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION ****. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****.......

HINDUISM This **** has happened before.

ISLAM If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.

CATHOLICISM If **** happens, you deserve it.

FUNDAMENTALISM If **** happens, they deserve it.

PROTESTANTISM Let **** happen to someone else.

EPISCOPALIANISM When **** happens, make it tasteful.

JUDAISM Why does **** always happen to US?

MORMONISM ****'s going to happen. Stockpile.

UNITARIANISM Deal with your own **** happening.

TWELVE STEP PROGRAMS. We're powerless over ****. Turn **** over.

ASTROLOGY Uranus transits.

PERESTROIKA We can't control ****. Let **** happen.

AGNOSTICISM **** may or may not be happening; we don't know ****.

ATHEISM No ****.

GNOSTICISM Know ****.

My own list (to be edited in later)...

Taoism **** happens

Confucianism Confucius say, "**** happens."

Buddhism If **** happens, it isn't really ****.

Zen What is the sound of **** happening?

Hinduism This **** happened before.

Islam If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.

Islam If **** happens, take a hostage.

Protestantism Let **** happen to someone else.

Protestantism **** won't happen if I work harder.

Catholicism If **** happens, you deserve it.

Judaism Why does this **** always happen to us?

Atheism I don't believe this ****

Agnosticism What is this ****?

Unitarian What is this ****?

Hare Krishna **** happens rama rama ding ding.

7th Day Adventist **** happens on Saturdays.

Jehovah's Witness Knock, knock, "**** happens."

Mormon **** happens again & again & again.

Rastafarianism Let's smoke this ****!

Now thats FUNNY SH*IT

Pooping at Work


We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the...
Unofficial Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

Escapee
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walk of Shame
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

Out of the Closet Pooper
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

The Pooping Friends Network
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Safe Havens
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burglar
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-Cough
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Astaire
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Havana Omlet
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

Uncle Ted
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly By
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

I love the work poop.Gives me an excuse to get away for a while and play poker on my phone while the rest are slaving away down stairs.3 cheers for the work poop

hahahaha

The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag."

The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

ya i found that one too but didn't post it

Man....this is the krappiest excuse for a thread I've ever seen.

and you know this....................man