TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WIFE:

10. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

7. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

6. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

5. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

4. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

3."I finished the Oreo's."

2. "Darned if you ain't due for a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."