Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Dialing Heaven


Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others


I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.


If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.


For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.


For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please

wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.


Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.


If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your

local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

Pass this on if you wish to brighten some one's day

wow...so there's a langage barrier in Heaven ....even Star Trek had a universal translator

Hi sweets.....How is the big giant huggable funches today?

well you know ..just the same old same old...and how's the squeezable feralcatlady

meowwww prrrrrfect

So are you out their causing grief in the forums or kinda laying low....My Matchmaking thread is insane and out of control...so I haven't gotten to alot of thread lately......but I miss the funches.....

feralcatlady all I'm doing is the Lord's work by placing these heathousness christians back on the path to true rightousness

Honey you can't teach others if you don't first have a clue yourself...It just would not work....your sounding a lil delusional my sweet.

sorry sugar-baby...but I'm merely a humble shepherd tending the flock ....I'm getting the flock out ....of heathenous

whatever make you happy

giving you a spanky spanky on your tushy tushy

ty ty and runs away........that hurt you big meany....lmao

Hi Debs,

well, I hope you didn't dial heaven and leave the speaker on



Thank God, that won't happen.

come on I know someone that took forty whacks and I'm far more gentle than that

Does the Heaven Hotline have really crappy elevator music?

no sweets.......no elevators.....

I hang up on God, he pisses me off sometimes.

I would never blame God.......I would just ask him for help and then wait for him to answer....I always find it interesting that when people have peace God is not thought of....but when they have problems they blame God......hmmmmm

well they probably blame God because god undoubtly created the problem they now face..it's also funny how God takes the credit for everything good but never the bad

I didn't mean actual elevators I ment that horrible musak that plays. And then every 30 seconds have that awful message "Your call is important to us".

Hi funches,
I meant God will not need to install voicemail, it's a direct connection, no waiting, no hangups.

I know you are a sweety really.