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| Topic: How To Tell If You’re a Werewolf | |
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Perform these tests exactly as described. The Thread Poster will not be responsible for the consequence of any deviations from the prescribed procedures. He will also not be responsible for the consequences of any non-deviations from the prescribed procedures.
1) Shoot yourself in the heart with a silver bullet. If you die, you’re a werewolf. Now, I don’t mean to quibble, but this test isn’t exactly fullproof, is it? You could also be a werebeagle, a werebadger, or a wereferret, all of whom are sensitive to silver projectiles. 2) Examine your body. If you’re hairy, you’re probably a werewolf Again, this doesn’t pass the sniff test. You might just be Robin Williams. 3) Set up a video camera beside your bed on the night of a full moon. Turn on the camera before you go to sleep. When you wake up in the morning, turn the camera off. Take it into the bathroom. Fill your bathtub. Drop the camera into the bathtup. If it floats, you’re a werewolf. 4) Purchase a full-body human suit from your local disguise shop. Make sure it’s large and durable enough to survive a transformation into a werewolf, and that it can convincingly disguise a ravening werewolf as a mild-mannered human accountant. Put it on before you go to bed on the night of a full moon. When you wake up in the morning, check the papers to see if there were any accountant sightings the night before. If there were, you’re a werewolf. Finally, some sense! Those few people who survive werewolf encounters are generally loathe to talk about it afterwards, because they’re crazed with fear. But accountants don’t scare anyone. The problem is that accountant suits are largely impossible to find. There are lots and lots of actuary suits, of course, but the ILR says those won’t work. I checked. 5) Become supreme leader of a country that has both a space and a nuclear program. Cause your scientists to create an arsenal of nuclear missiles that can travel to the moon. Launch those missiles. Destroy the moon. If, afterwards, you stop turning into a werewolf, you’re a werewolf. This seemed promising, at first, until I remembered that most world governments have been infiltrated by werewolves posing as politicians. They won’t let this happen. 6) On the night of a full moon, mix some wolfsbane in with holy water. Drink it. If you swell up and explode, you’re a werewolf. But if your skin melts and you turn to ash, you’re a vampire. The obvious problem here is that if you’re both a werewolf and a vampire this test will be inconclusive. 7) Find a tailor who specializes in vegetable apparel, and cause him to create a set of clothing made entirely out of wolfsbane — underwear, hat, trousers, suit jacket, everything. Wear it to work every day. If this makes you uncomfortable, you’re probably a werewolf. Not bad, but completely impractical. Most wolfsbane tailors are eaten by werewolves soon after they graduate from wolfsbane-tailoring school. 8) Come to the Institute for Lycanthropic Research for a complete werewolf assessment. And so we come reluctantly to the conclusion that the Institute for Lycanthropic Research is a pack of swindlers and charlatans. Which is sad. Vampires have their IVR, witches their IWR, zombies their IZR, all reputable institutions. Don’t we potential werewolves deserve the same?   |
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Edited by
Pete026
on
Sun 01/13/08 09:47 AM
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 I'm quite hairy and I'm not Robin Williams. Does this mean I'm a potential werewolf? |
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I have always been a Robin Williams....
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