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Topic: Ride Home [[please crit??]]
Lozer Joined Wed 01/02/08 Posts: 198	Thu 01/03/08 01:18 AM
::new here, just thought I'd post a little something I've been working on diligently lately..crits welcomedd..:: _____________ Ride Home. Sitting there alone, You're beside me screaming, and my voice is rasping such a lowly response. I tap quickly the buttons to the one I love, While you make such remarks about his manhood And how he'll never become anything. Tears fall once more, and the scene becomes blurry. A sharp pain in the back of my head agrees. Once more a smack with your strong hand, And then your knuckles ungracefuly collide with my tearful cheeks. Reddened and bruised, I lose service, as you continue to rant. Unapologetic, I continue to cry. I fight back with words and attack your flaming ignorance with my schooled mind. He's more of a man than you'll ever be. __________________________ Like I said, Crits appreciated, and I'll crit back. Promise<3 -Lozer =3

justkev08 Joined Tue 12/18/07 Posts: 1897	Thu 01/03/08 01:23 AM
Id say it sux Bro but I dont want to hurt ur feelings so ill say its good

Lozer Joined Wed 01/02/08 Posts: 198	Thu 01/03/08 01:40 AM
Id say it sux Bro but I dont want to hurt ur feelings so ill say its good Wow..how..sweet..^^;; Oh, and I'm, a girl... Not a guy. ^^;; Well, any..erm..crits?

Enya Joined Mon 11/26/07 Posts: 2077	Thu 01/03/08 01:50 AM
yes...i thought you were a girl. usualy,people write what they go thru.

Lozer Joined Wed 01/02/08 Posts: 198	Thu 01/03/08 04:25 AM
Yesh, sure am a chick. xD Well, I know..I've been writing poetry for as long as I can remember... erm, this is what I've been through...yew guys confuse me here...

JaceKnows Joined Mon 11/12/07 Posts: 5110	Thu 01/03/08 04:30 AM
Good stuff, Lozer. The passion for writing is undeniable.

Lozer Joined Wed 01/02/08 Posts: 198	Thu 01/03/08 04:08 PM
Good stuff, Lozer. The passion for writing is undeniable. Thankiez... This is prolly the last thing I post on here.. I get too confused..xD

shadowdog Joined Fri 10/13/06 Posts: 12773	Thu 01/03/08 04:38 PM
interesting read and understanding--

Lozer Joined Wed 01/02/08 Posts: 198	Sat 01/05/08 12:31 AM
Well, thankiez... ^^;; Any crits..?!? xD I'm dying to make this better..

Sweet_Lea_Evil Joined Mon 12/17/07 Posts: 175	Sat 01/05/08 12:34 AM
I say leave it as is........ almost brought a tear to my eye.. very moving.. kudos! Keep writing and posting!

Lozer Joined Wed 01/02/08 Posts: 198	Sat 01/05/08 12:39 AM
Well thankiez! I mean, I know there doesn't need to be tons of changes, but it's not very 'poetic' if yaaa ask me.. maybe I'm just too much of a perfectionist? xD well, thankiez ferrr teh crit<3

tombraider Joined Wed 09/12/07 Posts: 5042	Sat 01/05/08 02:44 AM
you write what you feel how can one criticize i hope things get better for you......

Pete026 Joined Sun 10/14/07 Posts: 14799	Sat 01/05/08 04:27 AM
Great work, Lozer You say it's not very poetic. If the purpose of poetry is to express feeling and instill that feeling in others, then you have suceeded with honours. I cannot abide violence toward women and if you wrote this from personal experience then I hope that guy gets back TENFOLD what he dealt out

Lozer Joined Wed 01/02/08 Posts: 198	Sat 01/05/08 04:40 AM
Great work, Lozer You say it's not very poetic. If the purpose of poetry is to express feeling and instill that feeling in others, then you have suceeded with honours. I cannot abide violence toward women and if you wrote this from personal experience then I hope that guy gets back TENFOLD what he dealt out ..o.0 It was my Dad. xD

Pete026 Joined Sun 10/14/07 Posts: 14799	Sat 01/05/08 04:45 AM
..o.0 It was my Dad. xD

Lozer Joined Wed 01/02/08 Posts: 198	Sat 01/05/08 04:51 AM
..o.0 It was my Dad. xD ...Well, it's totally fine. That was, what? A month or two ago. xD

Pete026 Joined Sun 10/14/07 Posts: 14799	Sat 01/05/08 04:55 AM
..o.0 It was my Dad. xD ...Well, it's totally fine. That was, what? A month or two ago. xD Lozer, that makes me so sad and angry that you say it's fine. Violence is never fine and should not be suffered. My heart goes out to you

Lozer Joined Wed 01/02/08 Posts: 198	Sat 01/05/08 05:04 AM
..o.0 It was my Dad. xD ...Well, it's totally fine. That was, what? A month or two ago. xD Lozer, that makes me so sad and angry that you say it's fine. Violence is never fine and should not be suffered. My heart goes out to you But.. it doesn't bother me anymore? xD I promise ^^;; But thankiez <3

Pete026 Joined Sun 10/14/07 Posts: 14799	Sat 01/05/08 05:06 AM
..o.0 It was my Dad. xD ...Well, it's totally fine. That was, what? A month or two ago. xD Lozer, that makes me so sad and angry that you say it's fine. Violence is never fine and should not be suffered. My heart goes out to you But.. it doesn't bother me anymore? xD I promise ^^;; But thankiez <3 You're a stronger person than I My mind would be filled with revenge lol

Lozer Joined Wed 01/02/08 Posts: 198	Sat 01/05/08 05:13 AM
..o.0 It was my Dad. xD ...Well, it's totally fine. That was, what? A month or two ago. xD Lozer, that makes me so sad and angry that you say it's fine. Violence is never fine and should not be suffered. My heart goes out to you But.. it doesn't bother me anymore? xD I promise ^^;; But thankiez <3 You're a stronger person than I My mind would be filled with revenge lol ACTUALLY, I'm not a very strong person at all. xDD But I'm also not a revenge-seeking bxtch..